In which I try to make a friend on Friendster. And fail.

[Ed. Note: An email exchange I had with someone who who read my profile on friendster, and emailed me because he thought I was "interesting." We had been corresponding for about a week, and were discussing our mutual desire to expatriate from the U.S. (an incredibly prescient decision, given the election held later that year].

From elvi slives
Sent Tuesday, February 24, 2004 5:51 pm
To [redacted]
Subject Re: elvi from Friendster

How have you been? I am amazingly slammed at work (as usual) so I've not been able to respond to you until now.

If I were to go ex-pat, I would move somewhere benign, like London or Toronto -- I have to admit, London has such an amazing draw because it's an excellent base to travel from. Ideally, I would eventually learn another language (I'm thinking German or French as they are v. internationally-recognized languages, in addition to English-- When I was in Germany, my host family didn't speak English, so I learned it pdq -- especially the really important phrases, like Frühstück" (breakfast) and "Einkaufen" (shopping) and "Ach mein Gott, ist ihr haar in brand" (Oh my god, your hair is on fire!" ...

Music has suddenly become v. important part of my life for no good reason (although I do not own massive collections of CDs as I frequently lose the CD (but never the CASE!)). I listen to all kinds but country, and even some of that too ... I'm not too into the whole Dave Matthews kind of music (I always feel like he's on the verge of coughing), but everything else is pretty game (right now I'm listening to The Hours CD, which is great if you are into string instruments (mostly piano) -- it has a very ambient quality to it, but is perhaps too powerful to be a film score.

I'm lazy when it comes to calling people (I am much more email-oriented --the voice-box I've had to use since the tracheotomy freaks people out sometimes, jk, maybe), but you can buzz me if you want (my cell is [redacted]).

cheers

elvi slives

PHOTO: This man is a douche. I don't know why I hate him, I just do.

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This photo answers queries about what I did this weekend.

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Who is this person, and how did they get access to my email?!?!!

[Ed. Note: This is an email I sent to an old boss inviting her to have drinks with me. Surprisingly, she still went (against her better judgment, no doubt).]

From elvi slives
Sent Tuesday, June 29, 2004 12:07 pm
To T-
Subject elvi slives

You are cordially invited to

Lunch with elvi slives
Former Assistant to T- &
Event Planner Extraordinaire

To discuss life, work, and the pursuit of the perfect diet

RSVP to [redacted]

This invitation is non-transferrable.

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He's so sweet I want to punch him.

[Ed. Note: Ah, the classic getting to know you email... Once Facebook got a hold of you, you were never the same.]

From elvi slives
Sent Friday, April 11, 2003 10:33 am
To distribution
Subject Re: Getting to know your friends questionnaire

1. What color are your kitchen plates? PLATES?!?!? I don't own no stinkin' plates!
2. What are you reading now? What A- and J- should be reading ... specifically How to Be Good by Nick Hornby. I've learned nothing yet. NOTHING!
3. What's on your mouse pad? It's black, and has a slot for putting pictures in. I keep the latest top ten list I'm working on in it.
4. Favorite board game? Board Games are what happens when a party runs out of beer. NEVER RUN OUT OF BEER!
5. Favorite magazine? Erm ... I don't know. OH! Maxim.
6. Favorite Smell? Clean clothes. That somebody else washed.
7. Least favorite Smell? Um, that would have to be the gas in my kitchen ... on a related note, does anyone know how to light a pilot light?
8. The first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Nap for 25 more minutes. Everyday. Seriously.9. Favorite color? Black. Until they discover a color that is darker. And then, that shade.
10. Least Favorite color? Too many to enummerate.
11. How many rings before you answer the phone? Assuming that the battery isn't dead. Assuming that the phone is actually on. Assuming that I haven't left it in the back of a cab. 4 rings -- but I'm only assuming.
12. Future child's name? Whoops and Nother-one.
13. What is most important? Three 24 hour drug stores within a five minute walk of your apartment. IN ANY DIRECTION!!!!!! (Except for the river, but I haven't looked yet)
14. Chocolate or Vanilla? Heavenly Hash ... where Chocolate meets Vanilla ... and they make sweet sweet love.
15. Do you like to drive fast? Urm, does L- like Old Navy? I think so!
16. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? George is not a stuffed animal -- he's just deanimated.
17. Storms - cool or scary? Depends -- if I'm drunk, then yes. Just kidding ... I'm always drunk!
18. What type was your first car? A tractor. But it was a John Deere, so that made it all good ...
19. If you could meet one person dead or alive who would it be? Alive. Seriously though, it depends. Would he worship me like a god? Then, Hugh Jackman.......................................sorry, was just thinking about what that would be like. On a related note, does anyone know Hugh Jackman?
20. Favorite alcoholic drink? I like pina coladas. And getting caught in the rain. I don't go for yoga, but I do like champagne.
21. What is your sign and birthday? Septemberish, 19-something or other. I'm twentyish. And a virgo. Which means I HATE YOU. Unless you're my friend. Then we cool.
22. Do you eat the stems of Broccoli? NO -- that would require me to actually eat broccoli. And that would be gross.
23. If you could have any job what would it be? Tough call. Professional Hockey player -- cause then I could play grabass with them without all the legal ramifications. Mmm, grabass.
24. If you could have any color hair, what would it be? Probably the color it is now -- I'd say blonde, but then Beyonce has helped me to discover that I would look like an idiot.
25. Is the glass half full or half empty? If there's liquor in it, probably all empty.
26. Favorite Movie? Mallrats. "I love the smell of commerce in the morning."
27. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Of course. Do you pee with the door open? What kind of sick bastards write this stuff?
30. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey. Mmmm, grabass.
31. What is your single biggest fear? Living forever. I've been told that it won't happen, but that person also told me that I looked good in pink (really, what were you thinking, Mom?), so I don't know what to believe.
32. Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you. She's moving in with this really great girl! And she calls me when Old Navy puts out their new line of flip flops. That's friendship, people.
33. Person most likely to respond? Erm ... no one. I don't have that many friends.
34. Person you sent this to who is least likely to respond? I hate these questions ... didn't you just hear me? I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS! I nearly shit myself today when I got four emails ... but then I realized that three of them were from my good friends, Emil and Zargost, giving me directions on how I can become longer and harder to better satisfy my many womens. Did you hear that L-?? That's another perk about living with me!
35. Favorite CD? Right now it's Philip Glass' The Hours CD. BUt only because it was free, and my CD player at home refuses to play any others. DAMN FASCISTS! Now they make CD players. I should have known -- it has pics of Mussolini on the speakers.
36. Favorite TV. show? Good Morning Miami (I love Jake -- he's so sweet I want to punch him!)
37. Ketchup or mustard? Salsa. Of course.
38. Hamburgers or hot dogs? Yes, please.
39. Favorite soft drink? Cherry coke, Dr. Pepper, or root beer-- Diet [fill in name of new fad drink here]
40. The best place you have been? The 24 grocery SUPER store on 83rd and 1st -- I didn't know what to do, but I sure had fun (I bought circus peanuts and Diet Orange Crush -- AND I SCOFF AT THE IRONY OF IT ALL!)
41. What Screen Saver is on your computer right now? None. But I have a picture of Helena Bonham Carter smoking a cigarette. Because she's that cool.

PHOTO: Mmm, grabass.

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Remember when I used to get excited about things? Those were good times.

[Ed. Note: This was an email I sent out the first day of work at a new job. I blame my childhood addiction to Anne Shirley for the over exuberance -- luckily, it was later beaten out of me with a wire hanger (thanks, Mom!).]

From elvi slives
Sent Monday, March 3, 2003 5:40 pm
To distribution
Subject RE: First Day of Silence ... Yip. EE!!!

Dear All,

As you may (or may not, if you are wont to ignore me when I speak) know, today was my first day at [redacted] -- and what a day! Everyone here is really nice, and they are all women -- which is weird, because you really don't notice it, until you go into the kitchen and notice the freakish amounts of tea, chocolate and diet soda (as well as various other treats) that are offered complimentary as part of working here. Dear [redacted], I think I love you.

So, anyway, everyone was also very helpful without being overly so -- when I was looking for the staples, the president asked me if I needed any help! She's seems very approachable (and you know me, I love to APPROACH!), but I am waiting to decide -- you never can tell these days.

I have my own office (if by office, you mean room that everyone calls my office where I am by myself that everyone walks through to get to the bathroom, then yes, MS. SEMANTICS, I DO have my own office), but there is lots of gibby-gabbing going on, so there's opportunities to be both independent and co-mingle with others. Plus, there are tons of couches throughout, so naptime's a breeze! Okay, not really -- we have to draw straws! Plus, my office has all the product samples in it -- could life get any better? I submit that it could not.

A- (my boss) also sent me an invite to a tasting, which is very exciting, since I've never been to one before (M- and J- used to go at [redacted], and you don't usually do them for meetings, since most everyone knows what sandwich tastes like) ...

So, if the first day is any indication, I think I will like it here!

Talk to you soon!

elvi slives

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Wherein I list the reasons to (not) move to New York.

[Ed. Note: This email proves that what I like to do and what normal people like to do are not always the same thing. It is also probably why the New York Tourism Board still refuses to hire me.]

From elvi slives
Sent Wednesday, February 26, 2003 12:42 pm
To B-
Subject Re: I don't know no stinkin' B-

Dear Hooray!,

Don't tease -- are you really thinking of moving to NY? I have to prepare you ... it is ass-out cold up here. Not cold like Buffalo, although to listen to some of these weaklings complain, you would this was Siberia ... "My feet are cold ..." Then wear closed-toed shoes, dumbasses! Seriously, though, it is nothing like LA (there's no sun, there's no decent beaches, 99% of all the citizens are skipping their court-ordered anger management sessions)... At all. It's still fun, though, and there is plenty of drinking. And pardon me for saying so, but you will be getting *ss up the ying yang (okay, that sounded better in my head). Because, compared to NYers, you are refreshingly unjaded, yet don't appear to be a complete dolt. Very important. I hate you (congratulations -- you just received your first act of misplaced rage. Soon you will join us in cursing old women who take too long on to get on the bus and popping small children's balloons with your cigarettes ... but don't get me started. Where did I put those rage pills?) ....

AND IF YOU MOVE HERE ... you will also have to phase all colored clothing out of your wardrobe ... we only accept neutral tones, like taupe, ivory, ebony and nude. Not just black and white, kiddo. It's all about the shades of grey.

BUT THERE ARE STUPID THINGS HERE ... like they want to make it so you can't smoke in bars ... I mean, that healthy thing is totally cute in LA, but in NY, where smoking is like the mother's milk that so many of us were brutally denied, it's just fascist. And there is now going to be a fine on cell phone use in public areas (like movies, etc.). Stupid Bloomberg. I hate all rich people -- until I become one. And then I will just hate most rich people.

YOU COULD TOTALLY CRASH ON MY COUCH UNTIL YOU FIND AN APT ... but please let me know in advance, so I can buy a couch. Just kidding. Well, not really.

And I was still thinking about moving to LA, but then I found this new job at XXX ... and I'm moving out of Queens ... so the things that I was having issues with are slowly starting ot resolve themselves ... oh, NY, I could never leave you ...

So anyway, as of this Friday, I will no longer be at XXXX (although please be sure to keep me on your frequent spamming list ... always welcome at my home email) ...

Talk to you soon ...

elvi slives

PHOTO: In the end, B- opted not to move to New York. Was it something I said?

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Queens was apparently always a sore subject for me.

[Ed. Note: This is an email I sent to a friend about shopping. And my hatred of snow. And Queens. In that order.]

From elvi slives
Sent Friday, February 7, 2003 11:39 am
To L-
Subject Dear Suckley McSuck

Shopping was great ... even as we speak I am sitting in a lovely pair of pants that match an awesome jacket that I've had forever but rarely worn because I did not, at that time, own a bottom set that matched it so perfectly as these pants that I am, once again, currently wearing in preparation for an interview. I also have a pair of high heels, perhaps not worn by the inhabitants of the artic as they attempt to scale large, snow-laden mountains or the west side, which apparently no one felt the need to shovel since it was obviously more fun to watch a girl in a new pair of pants making furtive deals with whatever god was listening to not let her rip her fabulous pants on the icey sidewalks. And don't EVEN get me started on Queens.

Also, you'll be happy to know that I have NO problem kicking people in the shins -- as a matter of fact, I just kneed some old lady in the groin, and it wasn't even for a furby. That bitch tried to steal a seat from me on the train -- you HAVE a cane, Lady, LEAN ON IT!

Could life get any better? I submit that it could not.

Cheers,

elvi slives

PHOTO: MPD can be a bit treacherous when it snows. Be sure to wear snowboots.

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I am actually still friends with this person, indicating he probably never received this missive.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

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In which I discover the benefit of anti-lock brakes.

[Ed. Note: God I hated living in Buffalo. Reasons are listed below.]

From elvi slives
Sent Wednesday, December 26, 2001 10:02 pm
To XXXX
Subject Re: Yet more changes...

Dear L-

Dear lord, we have gotten like another foot of snow since last we spoke (THIS AFTERNOON)! And it has NOT STOPPED! I f*cking hate Buffalo and all these stupid little bastards with all-wheel drive who honk at me because my car can't shift from the wheels that slip to the wheels that grip. On the positive side, doing a full 360' on black ice on an abandoned country road at 2 am in the morning is easier than you think. I am, how you say? Lucky.

On a negative note, it is getting to be a little like The Shining around here. I think that I have been outside of the house a grand total of 6 hrs since I arrived (INCLUDING CHRISTMAS AT MY NAN'S! Don't ask, it wasn't pretty). Last night I found myself silently whispering redrum, redrum while I watched only the second L&O of the day (can you imagine? Here it is only on twice?!?!?! Oh, the horror!)

Okay, enough about me. J- sent me an email asking me to come, which I now plan on doing until otherwise notified. Is there anything that you want me to bring you from here or NY before I make the trip down? My flight (supposedly) gets in around 7 am, then I am going to head straight to the train station, where I will proceed directly to J-'s part of [redacted] (a location to be determined at a later date).

See ya then (thanks for the undies!).

elvi slives

PHOTO: Nobody puts Lenny in the corner.

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Wherein I sexually harass (& solicit job advice) from someone I've not yet met.

[Ed. Note: I sent this to a guy I seriously never had met (and never did, I believe). I honestly don't even remember why we were sharing a room? Apparently, I was a lot less prudey than I am now. Not bloody likely.]

From elvi slives
Sent Wednesday, November 14, 2001 7:05 pm
To XXXX
Subject Frend o' A-'s

Hey K-

Hear we'll be rooming together in Atlantic City -- be sure to bring your speedos and your ear plugs ... you'll need them ;)!

Do you know what a holistic financial planner (or consultant) is? I am going on an interview for one, and I would like to know what kind of qualifications I should lie and say I have.

Thanks!

elvi slives

PHOTO: Sadly, K- opted not to go to Atlantic City after all. Luckily I met this guy, and we bonded over our mutual love of handle bar mustaches, spandex and Jesus Christ.

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Goo Goo for Gaga

Anyone who knows me knows I dearly adore Lady Gaga. I've decided to list the reasons for your review/amusement/disdain:

1. I. Want. A. Minnie. Mouse. Bow. Made out of my own hair. I do. I need it. Less than I need oxygen perhaps, but more than I need access to basic cable. And that is a lot.


2. In her defense, if I had her body, I would also wear those same outfits. And perhaps something tighter and sluttier. I would have chosen a different profession though – but since Scores closed, this may have been her only other option.


3. Because I NEVER NEVER NEVER thought I would say “She’s like Christina Aguilera. But crazy. And dirtier.” It didn’t seem like it could happen. But Gaga makes Aguilera look like … Wait, has anyone even seen Aguilera lately??!?!! I’m beginning to forget what she even looks like…


4. See #2 about her body applies triply to her legs. They are AWESOME. I want her to write down every exercise she does and food she eats so that I can copy it exactly. Also, her gene sequencing if anyone has that information handy.


5. When you watch old videos, you often see trends that you’re like, “what the hell were you thinking, Every Single Member of the Bangles?!?!!” It’s fun to watch one of those trends happening in in real time with Gaga and her entire wardrobe.

PHOTO: This is the image I found when googling Lady Gaga hair bow. I love you, Moderate Safe Search.

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Sometimes my pride likes to bite me in the ass. Just to remind me that it is still there.

[Ed. Note: Another email to H-, where I regale him with the perils of being poor (and stupid) in the city.]

From elvi slives
Sent Friday, September 7, 2001 2:57 pm
To "H-"
Subject Re: New Address!
Dear H-,

Not word one about what it is like to live in a completely different country. I am very interested (well, very and interested are strong words) to hear about the things that you do now that you don't have pesky bitches like me to annoy. V. interested indeed.

Not that I don't want to send you anything (although I am not sure that what I would send you would make it through customs anyway) but I am poor ass broke. I couldn't afford the stamps on any kind of letter that I must send, not to mention that I don't have anything interesting to say since I don't have a job and have been relegated to the position of having to drag my ass out of bed at 2 pm in the morning to look for jobs at a nearby (for now) computer lab. Sound familiar? Why, why did I do this to myself, you ask? Because I am mainly an idiot. I prefer unemployment to the slap of being demoted back down to intern at [Redacted](the place where I used to work). Sometimes my pride likes to bite me in the ass. Just to remind me that it is still there.

I unfortunately will not be taking the place in Crown Heights, as when we asked a cop on the street where exactly we were, he said (and I quote) "in the crotch of hell." Not such a nice neighborhood.

Now I am looking at a loft in XXX, the "made" part of XXX, no less. When the super was telling us about the apartment (after he picked us up in his humvee and told us he was moving out the place because he just bought a house on the "shore") he mentioned that the person who owned the building across the street was, you know (rubbing his nose -- I didn't know what he meant at first, I thought he meant they were allergic to cats??? But then N- explained).... I didn't mind that so much, but had to admit that I was slightly freaked out by that the walls of the apartment were soundproofed. Also, the carpeting was kind of a light off-white color, and when N- asked him how he got stains out of it he just kind of laughed, and said, "it's easier than you think." I was soo freaked, but the apartment is gorgeous--and let's face it, I would rather have the mafia as neighbors than crackheads. At least they know how to clean up when they are done.

I heard that you like champagne cola too (L- brought me back some from the bahamas after she heard I liked it) and now I am having a hard time finding it. Where? Where in Manhattan (below 125th Street) do they sell that blessed elixir? I await your answer with bated breath.

That is all for now. You may go.

love,

elvi slives

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In Which I Write a Paragraph Containing One Period Per Four Parentheses.

[Ed. Note: A continuation on a theme, here is another email to H-, explaining the Pepsi/Coca Cola economy paradox and demonstrating that my source citing skills were always questionable ... ]

From elvi slives
Sent Wednesday, August 29, 2001 9:50 am
To "H-"
Subject Moving sucks ... much like Mongolian soda
Dear H-

It sounds like you are having a blast there--don't worry about the [limited food] availability thing though, as it happens even in this great city. I have lived here in NYC without lemonheads for about two years now, and it does not look like there will be any in my near future, either.

How did I screw up the East Village apartment? I didn't assert my squatter's rights. Actually, the lease is only until October, and then it is G-H-E-T-T-O time. That's right. I as well will live off of Franklin Avenue on Union Street, running home every night, throwing my bookbag over fences and then leaping them in single bounds like that small boy in the "We hear ya. Keep running." commercial. Finally, I will succumb to the crack dealers and start doing trix to support my habit until the day that the little green leprecaun tries to steal my stash and I knife him in a bitter rage ... oh, wait. I am getting my commercials mixed up again.

Anyway, here's something that I think that you might find funny. There was actually a man (and I am totally not making this up, Prof. G- in the Sociology dept. told me this, so the burden of proof is on him--lately I have been feeling the need to prove that I don't lie ALL the time, which is hard because I generally DO lie most (okay, ALL) the time) who wrote his thesis (or maybe it was a television show, I don't remember, his classes were at like 9 am in the morning and I had a hard time just remembering to stay awake, let alone pay attention) (do you like how this is still the same sentence and I still have not gotten to a point--hate to warn you, it is nowhere in the near future either) on a comparison of money economies and their relation to the soda industry- -for instance, Coca Cola went to China, Pepsi went to Russia--and the ensuing success or failure of that new economy. He said that it can all be blamed on the Soda--namely that Pepsi is a jinx. I would have to agree, and point out that this theory works on a smaller scale, as Niagara Falls (New York, that is) has a Pepsi bottling center and has been a rapidly declining city (and I use that term loosely--if two more people die, its back to township she goes) for years now whereas Atlanta is thriving (at least in comparison) and it is the center of Coca Cola bottling. Coincidence? I am sure the Russians don't think so.

Okay, now that I have bored you to death (and all without approaching a point of any kind), I am going to let you get back to what ever it is that you do for fun there -- by the by, what is it that you do?

love,

elvi slives

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Wherein I Discover the International Appeal of the Snickers Bar.

Hello again, all. I'm sorry I've been away for so long, but truth is, I've been completely uninspired to write anything. Mainly because I've been too busy watching the variety of behavioral disorder shows on A&E (holy shit Obsessed is awesome! You could say I was obsessed with it. But then you'd be a douche). Anyway, I did want to get in the habit of putting something up, and stumbled across a few old emails that I thought were funny (hopefully, out of context, as I'm too lazy to remember the main plot behind most of them). Hope you enjoy them.

[Ed. Note: After college, several of my friends left the country in search of jobs and lower rent. H- was one of them.]

From elvi slives
Sent Tuesday, August 28, 2001 10:28 am
To "H-"
Subject Yakkety, Yak! (But do they talk back?)
Dear H-:

I think that we may have already had this conversation before, but Canada is in one of the Americas. It is right above the US. Nevermind.

Anyway, just to let you know, there is not one week that goes by that I don't ask the Mulberry crew where you are. Then they remind me that you moved to Mongolia, and we all laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh
(but not at you).

I am currently still homeless, but I think that my luck may change in the near future. I am looking at a house in Brooklyn (by the museum no less) that is fantastic and super cheap! Well, not super, but cheap enough. I also still don't have a job, and my one here ends on Friday. But I am not panicking yet -- not until the bill collectors
come a'banging. Then I might have to do something drastic--like move back to S-- (it's a lot like Mongolia with the animals and stuff, only less cilivized).

Yar, yar, yar--sounds like everything in Mongolia is great! I think they sell those snickers bars here in America too! And all this time, I thought that they were an American thing .... Who knew that I enjoyed ethnic treats?

How did the cab driver cheat you out of a $100? Was it American or Mongolian? Do you have his address? I just happen to know a couple of ex-KBG officers who are looking for part-time gigs in that area ...

Did you notice that I managed to go this entire email without making one snide comment? Weird, huh?

All right, I have to go pretend to be productive now. Say hi to everyone for me!

love,

elvi slives

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