Amy Winehouse Update: Amy to Check Into Rehab, Take Hypocritic Oath

Dear Ames (do you mind if I call you Ames?),

Okay, I’ll admit I laughed when you did that Rehab song … Methinks you doth protest too much! Come on, even you knew that eventually you'd have to eat your words. And then vomit them up in a drug induced stupor. You remind me of another idealist, whose quest to be a Successful Fat Actress ended in her being An Unemployed Actress who then evolved into a Diet Shilling Actress.

Sorry, back to you … Seriously, how’d you od? Isn’t your mother a pharmacist? Didn’t she ever teach you that when you start to lose feelings in your forehead and legs, you should stop doing the drugs, and slow down the whiskey shooters? Even if she didn't, this is just the sort of thing you learn during Freshmen orientation at uni, which is why you should've gone. And honestly, who shoots heroin the day after od'ing?!??!! And with your father in the next room?!??!!! Who are you, Lindsay Lohan?

Anywhos, I’m glad to hear that you’ve actually checked into a rehab facility, along with your husband (is that the guy from Babyshambles?!!?!! I thought he was with Kate Moss. I know we’re friends, but she is way cuter than you. And she eats almost every single day!). I heard it was in the US? What, was there no vacancy in the Columbian detox clinic? I mean, going to the US to kick drugs is like, um….going to the US to lose weight (like the above-mentioned actress, who has kicked neither her drug nor ding-dong habit). The only upside to rehabbing in America is the fact that, during your stay, you’ll probably meet Lindsay Lohan. Or Paris Hilton. Or Nicole Ritchie. Or Posh Spice (she's on drugs, I'm sure of it).

Well, good luck at rehab… You’re gonna need it.

Byee!

Erin Elvi Slives

PHOTO: The 2007 winners of the most intentionally ugly couple award celebrate their success by dazzling people on the streets of London with their style ineptitude.