Hairspray Sucks. Skip It. But then, You Already Knew That, Didn't You?

Sometimes in life, you spend 112 minutes doing something, all the while wishing that a staple gun would accidentally discharge into your head so as to end the misery of the task. And that in a nutshell, dear friends, is what it is like to watch the current remake of Hairspray.

Words cannot express the level of suckitude this film reached – there is a special level in hell for the producers of this shit fit of bad acting and worse singing. The only two highlights of the film had to be Zac Efron as Link, who was styled as a young Elvis Presley (so I naturally am biased) and Christopher Walken (but seriously, isn’t he the highlight of every film?). Walken played Mr. Turnblad (the role originally filled by Jerry Stiller) to perfection. The best part is, he completely re-imagined the role in the way that only he could do, and even banged out a kiss with the uggo John Travolta (who, if Divine was “divine” as the original Edna Turnblad, then John Travolta was “travolting.” Seriously, I nearly projectile vomited when I saw them smooch, and by the look on Walken’s face, so did he.).

I guess the real trick of it is that no one can out-camp John Waters, and camp is what made the original version of this film so great. Cleaning it up to make it more kid and history-friendly (um, yeah, thanks Tracy Turnblad for beating a cop during a segregation protest and then ditching all your black friends when they get arrested by the cops. Seriously, very classy) only served to water down the delicious ridiculousness of the film. In conclusion, save your money and rent the original film. In the delightful words of Mr. Pinky of the Hefty Hideaway, "You'll be glad you did."

MEMORABLE QUOTES:
This is America, babe, you gotta think big to be big.
- Mr. Turnblad

PHOTO: Seriously, Jared Leto is pissing himself somewhere, cause Zac Efron way out Jordan Catalano's the original.