The company's sexual harassment policy prevents me from being friendlier to my colleagues.

Should I be concerned that my work personality has been completely stunted by fear of violating the corporate harrassment policy? Seriously, I've never thought of myself as a risqué person until I attended the helpful (and mandatory) seminar about the subject. Ever since then, I've been frightened to speak to co-workers, lest I say something objectionable (and possibly actionable). The thing is, saying inappropriate things is kind of the crux of my whole character, and without it, I'm left with only my love of Celebrity Rehab, MMA and serial killers to recommend me, which, surprisingly, don't go over so well at the water cooler. Never fear, intrepid reader -- I shall persevere. Just be prepared for me to sexually harass the sh*t out of your *ss the next time we hang out, cause that crap has a way of backing up on you.

PHOTO: Seriously, who *DOESN'T* love John Cena? He's helped me to believe that white boys can rap again.

Read More......

Just because Merriam Webster doesn't recognize it, doesn't mean it's not a word.

I know you haters think it's a typo, but I stand by my spelling of hoboeing, for no other reason than it looks cool. Besides, Merriam Webster recognizes both "jiggy" and "smackdown," so I question THEIR authority to decide what is a word and what is a typo. I mean, do we really want to live in a society where we let the likes of Vince McMahon and Will Smith craft the vernacular? I think not. Let's leave the heavy lifting to the girl who brought you "d-lebrity" and "necessories," shall we?

Read More......

Commuting is for suckers. And poor people. But I repeat myself.

As you probably know, the MTA is raising fares. Again. Seriously though, wouldn't it be great if you could get a gig as sweet at the MTA? Imagine when your yearly review comes up, your boss is all like, "your work performance is extremely poor. You're never on time, there's $600 million missing out of the company coffers, Maintenance is pretty sure that you were responsible for the electrical fire we had last week, and we're still trying to figure out how you managed to flood the copy room." And you could be all like, "I see your point. You'd better raise my salary so I can turn this around."

It's times like these that I consider dropping out of society and pursuing a life of shiftless hoboeing. Say what you will about homelessness, you can't beat the commute.

PHOTO: New York is the only place in the world where people pay good money to stand in a BO-flavored underground tunnel filled with rats and other vermin. Good times.

Read More......

Put Back My Diet Coke on Penalty of Death

I think someone pinched the soda I left in the office fridge yesterday. The one that was labeled "Erin Elvi Slives". And "Do Not Touch on Penalty of Death". Okay, I didn't add that last part, but I'm regretting that decision now. Words cannot express how devastated I was to discover the theft this morning. Especially since our office coffee is kind of weak, and so is my morning tolerance for humanity.

Am I overreacting? Of course. However, if I ever run into the purloiner in a dark alley, whatever happens will be an accident.

PHOTO: "Dear Erin, I'm sorry I ran away to Mexico, but I got sick of living in a fridge that hasn't been defrosted since the Eisenhower administration. I hope you can forgive me... Hugs to the fam. -Love, DC"

Read More......

Quote of the Day

I've learned from my mistakes and I'm sure I can repeat them exactly.
- Peter Cook

Read More......

New Year’s – New Reasons to Drink

Hello Kiddies – don’t forget I’m having a New Year’s party. If you know where I live, you’re invited. If you don’t, well, just forget that I mentioned this. I must be getting confused in my old age!

Read More......

I am physically incapable of NOT spilling salsa on myself.

I just cannot NOT do it. It’s almost like a secret special skill I have. My mother used to tell me that everything happens for a reason, so one day, there will probably be a bomb in my office building somewhere, and the only way to stop it from detonating would will be by placing a piece of my tomato-stained poly-cotton blend dress over it. But until then, I just look like a clumsy jackass.

PHOTO: Apparently, this problem is not that uncommon.

Read More......

I Write the Songs that Make the Whole World Glad I Don't Write Songs More Often

I've been listening to HitKast on the web radio Accuradio now for a few months, and I've realized that I know a freakish amount of songs. Let me rephrase that -- a ridiculous amount of "mainstream pop songs written mainly for the 12 - 17 year-old set." The realization came when, as I was humming along to a particular favorite, one of my co-workers walked by and was all like, "My youngest loves that song -- she was mad when they banned it from playing at her sixth grade dance." Um, yeah... good times. Never fear, though, as I am currently working on developing a more "mature" palate. Perhaps something along the lines of My Chemical Romance or Blue October. Baby steps, people -- I have to walk before I can speed walk (um, yeah, I'm not built for running).

PHOTO: If my musical maturation goes as planned, I will soon evolve a cult-like adoration for the lyrical stylings of that international chanteuse, a one Ms. Miley Cyrus.

Read More......

All My Brother Wants for Christmas is an X-Box and a Dream

When I asked my brother Jason what he wanted for Christmas, he replied: "Call of Duty 4 for XBOX 360 and a powerball lottery ticket from the dingiest convenience store in north jersey (take pepper spray)."

The real question is, who will go to that part of Jersey for me? Post your reply in comments. I'd do it myself if not for my natural proclivity for being mugged while in that fine state.

Read More......

Quote of the Day

That proves you are unusual, returned the Scarecrow; and I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.
- The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, L. Frank Baum

Read More......