Friday, December 14, 2007

Quote of the Day

I've learned from my mistakes and I'm sure I can repeat them exactly.
- Peter Cook

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New Year’s – New Reasons to Drink

Hello Kiddies – don’t forget I’m having a New Year’s party. If you know where I live, you’re invited. If you don’t, well, just forget that I mentioned this. I must be getting confused in my old age!

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I am physically incapable of NOT spilling salsa on myself.

I just cannot NOT do it. It’s almost like a secret special skill I have. My mother used to tell me that everything happens for a reason, so one day, there will probably be a bomb in my office building somewhere, and the only way to stop it from detonating would will be by placing a piece of my tomato-stained poly-cotton blend dress over it. But until then, I just look like a clumsy jackass.

PHOTO: Apparently, this problem is not that uncommon.

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I Write the Songs that Make the Whole World Glad I Don't Write Songs More Often

I've been listening to HitKast on the web radio Accuradio now for a few months, and I've realized that I know a freakish amount of songs. Let me rephrase that -- a ridiculous amount of "mainstream pop songs written mainly for the 12 - 17 year-old set." The realization came when, as I was humming along to a particular favorite, one of my co-workers walked by and was all like, "My youngest loves that song -- she was mad when they banned it from playing at her sixth grade dance." Um, yeah... good times. Never fear, though, as I am currently working on developing a more "mature" palate. Perhaps something along the lines of My Chemical Romance or Blue October. Baby steps, people -- I have to walk before I can speed walk (um, yeah, I'm not built for running).

PHOTO: If my musical maturation goes as planned, I will soon evolve a cult-like adoration for the lyrical stylings of that international chanteuse, a one Ms. Miley Cyrus.

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

All My Brother Wants for Christmas is an X-Box and a Dream

When I asked my brother Jason what he wanted for Christmas, he replied: "Call of Duty 4 for XBOX 360 and a powerball lottery ticket from the dingiest convenience store in north jersey (take pepper spray)."

The real question is, who will go to that part of Jersey for me? Post your reply in comments. I'd do it myself if not for my natural proclivity for being mugged while in that fine state.

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Monday, December 10, 2007

Quote of the Day

That proves you are unusual, returned the Scarecrow; and I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.
- The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, L. Frank Baum

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God is trying to tell me something.

Every once in a great blue moon, God tries to give me advance warning that I’m about to do something stupid. Like that time when I lived in Jersey City, and spent twenty minutes one morning hunting around for a pair of flip flops to wear to work (god I miss college. And non-profits). Apparently, that was his way of saying “these shoes will not provide you sufficient traction to a) avoid falling down a flight of stairs OR b) evade a mugger.” Unfortunately, I did not heed this warning; with disastrous results (The biggest insult was the mugger was openly upset that I only had $2 and no credit cards – um, hello, I live in Jersey City! I don’t pay $400 a month for rent so I can stockpile cash in my 401(K)… I’m poor, Jackass!).

God tried to warn me again recently when I recently got new cell phone (which I named Meinie) … However, he chose to do it through Sprint, which despite being a major telecom company, is not the best way to get a message across. Disguising himself as a text from Sprint, God asked me if I wanted to back up the phone book I had just inputted into the phone. I chuckled, and cockily (stop laughing, Jeff) clicked no. Then I did it five more times (I’ll say this much for God. He’s persistent). After all, why would I pay money for something that I can just do myself (I know, it doesn’t even sound like something I’d say, does it)?

Then my new phone Meinie died – well, it actually didn’t die, but the talk button stopped working, and when the talk button on your cell phone doesn’t work, you basically just have a beeper. Since I wasn’t a mid-90s drug dealer, I decided to do something about it (I know, that doesn’t sound like me either). As a side note, I fully expected the good people at the Sprint Store to make me pay for a brand-new handset, especially since, when I gave it to the technician, she snottily alluded to user error, which is not covered under the warranty. And, though I spent the 10 minutes I was in the store trying to mentally crush her head with my two fingers, I didn’t say anything, and waited to see how it played out (Now that definitely doesn’t sound like me). Turns out, it was a faulty device, and they gave me a new phone free of charge. I know – I was shocked too.

Sadly, my original phone Meenie, who courageously held out during the entire debacle, decided to completely die moments after I turned in the new one (Meinie) for the new-new one (Moe), and now I have lost my entire phone book. Sadly, this story doesn’t have a point or a moral, as, when I was inputting numbers into Moe (do you get it yet?) and was asked if I wanted to back up, I still selected no. But this time, I wrote the numbers down. Take that, God. My house is going to burn down now, isn’t it? You are a clever one.

PHOTO: "Hello, this is Jesus. Is Erin there? Yes, I'll hold...."

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World's Emotionally Strongest (And Most Spiteful) Woman

The other night, I arm wrestled a friend at Valhalla on 9th & 53rd (Yeah, I know, but what else is there to do in bars in midtown? After all I cannot, in good conscience, date a guy who wears a tie on Saturday and isn't a waiter. I just wasn't brought up that way).

Anyway, even though I have always had freakish upper body strength (mainly because I'm so lazy that I'd rather carry 50lbs of dirty underwear to the laundromat than go more than once a month), when I beat her, she said, "Of course you won. I'm like 1/5 your size." Wow. I'll be honest -- though I love to joke about others and try to be a good sport when the spotlight is turned on me (for the most part. Um, sometimes. Okay, rarely), I am still reeling from that comment. Mainly because she's more like 3/5 of my size, and I hate people who aren't good at fractions. But also because it was a little hurtful. (As a side note, I will never make fun of people who buy overpriced cookies again. At least, not for the rest of the year.)

However, I am a little glad it happened. Because now I have the motivation to lose a shit-ton of weight so that we can have a rematch. And when I beat her next time (and I *WILL* beat her next time), she'll only have only her inability to properly smack-talk and mediocre arm-strength to blame. After all, the one thing I enjoy more than eating is winning. And though I prefer to cheat, I think this time I'll do it fair and square. That'll really shut ol' 20% up.

PHOTO: If you are going to do a Google Image Search for the movie "Over the Top" at work, be sure that your Moderate Safe-Search is on. Live and learn.

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