Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Women (and Men) in Need of Hot Firefighting Husbands: Get to Rock Center, Toute de Suite

Fireman have invaded Rockefeller Center, and I can assure you, it's a vast improvement. They are signing the 2008 FDNY "Let's Get Naked. You know, for the kids" calendar for a bunch of horny middle-aged biddies with bugaboos. Luckily, most of the women, despite dressing like Britney Spears post-divorce and acting like Lindsay Lohan pre-rehab, had the foresight to bring their children along to scare off any potential suitors, so your chances of getting lucky are pretty good. Unfortunately, the firemen are fully clothed, and are not *all* hot per se, but there are definitely a few that make the trek worthwhile.

PHOTO: My favorite is this guy, who let me touch his gorgeous abs, if only over his shirt (Philistine). They feel even better than they look.

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I am too Emotionally Drained from Not Doing Anything to Do Anything

So sorry kids -- I'm having a hard time coming up with interesting things to write. I think I'm maxed out -- I was really funny last night, but you weren't there, were you? Wait, were you? Blurg, I knew I shouldn't have taken that last (four) vicodin.

Jeff: Can I have a drag off your ciggie?
Adam: Can this faggot have a drag too?
Me: There's too many faggots* in this house.

Yeah, it's one of those "you had to be there" things. Should've returned my call, asshole.

*Meant (mostly) in jest -- I love gays of all sizes and sexual preferences.

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Quote of the Day

I love New York City; I've got a gun.
-Charles Barkley

We love Charles Barkley; we've got guns, too. And knives. And an occasional broken bottle or two.
-Erin Elvi Slives, Denizen of New York City

PHOTO: Not us.

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Monday, July 30, 2007

Quote of the Day

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
-Dame Rebecca West

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I Aspire to be One of those Celebrities whose Name Is Equated with Sex

"Posh and Becks" means sex in Britain, where apparently, they are considered "pros" in the preferred indoor sport of England (and countries the world over). Funny, I've always thought that looking at either one of them (for whom the term euro-trash was originally coined) was an effective birth control method, or possible antidote to Viagra. I guess that I've just found another fundamental thing that the Brits and I disagree about (Colin Firth? Definitely *not* sexy).

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I've Got Two Words for You, Paris: Ha, F*cking Ha!!

My mother used to say, "If you can't celebrate the triumphs of your friends, revel in the downfall of your enemies." Or something like that.

With that in mind, I am pleased to announce that Paris is up shit creek without a paddle. Well, actually, she's up shit creek with a paddle, but it's not diamond encrusted, and there's nary a servant to be found to do the actually paddling, which is the same thing for poor Paris (literally!). Given her many forays into infamy, I am sure that Paris will find her way out of this one, but isn't it glorious to think for a minute, that she might *shocking* have to do her own laundry one day? God, just imagining her trying to figure out how to put the coins in the machine has made my week. She's going to be broke!!! Huzzah! Justice has once again prevailed in the universe!

Perhaps we are being too mean -- we should extend an olive branch and take her to the Olive Garden -- after all, it *is* the poor man's Nobu.

PHOTO: If only there were someway that she could use one of her talents to procure a career path that would fund her pursuits. I hear she’s a mighty-fine knitter—perhaps that could pay the bills.

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Friday, July 27, 2007

Bank of America to Add Ass-Rape to its List of Complimentary Customer Services

Kudos to Bank of America for being the most loathed, and yet, surprisingly still in business, bank in the US, and possibly the world. Despite such wildly successful PR campaigns as suing a victim of identity theft for $23,000 in overdraft charges, selling customers' private information without notice, and distributing fake twenties from its ATMs, BoA has managed to step up their willful disgust for anyone who might be so stupid as to use their services by charging non BoA customers a whopping three dollar ATM fee (effective July 31st). Genius. Sheer genius.

My experience with Bank of America? Stellar, as you can imagine. After they bought out my MBNA alumni credit card (with a preferential 4.9% APR), they tried to raise my APR to a stagger 24.9%, despite the fact that I have an excellent credit rating (and an average credit APR of around 11%). When I contacted MBNA to find out why, they gave me the CSR equivalent of "Because we can." Seriously, if Satan owed a bank, he would be terrified of competition from these assholes. I cancelled the card to maintain the APR on the existing balance, but the experience has prompted to set an aggressive payoff plan for all my cards, lest I run into this issue again. So thank you, Bank of America, for being *such* a toolish company as to force me into fiscal responsibility.

PHOTO: Satan, or "Bub" as he's known to friends, says he frequently encourages colleagues to think twice before banking at the institution. "I've known about [the Bank of America tactics] for a long time, and, quite frankly, they scare me."

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I Don't Get Playgirl for the Articles

A recent poll said that 70% of American people think internet porn is harmful. Which means that about 69% of American people lie when completing surveys. Come on, America, be honest -- you know you love porn. After all, isn't that why Al Gore created the internet in the first place?

PHOTO: Seriously, how can you be against anything that brings you a naked Angelina? I am so going to see this movie, btw.

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Drink Yourself Humanitarian

Finally, a cause that I can get behind -- Absolut has just released Absolut: New Orleans, with 100% of the proceeds going to charities that are helping to rebuild the Big Easy. The president may not love black people, but the Swedes sure do.

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Quote of the Day

You're giving out condoms, but who's going to give us a guy?
-Rose Cresscenzo, 82
At a condom give-away sponsored by the New York City's Department of Aging, which seeks to educate senior citizens about AIDS

Give me a man NYC, and I'll buy my own damn condoms.
-Erin Elvi Slives

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Thursday, July 26, 2007

Quote of the Day

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin

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Hanging Around Fatties, Reading "Boredom Blog" Proven to Greatly Increase Risk of Obesity

Are you starting to notice a tire around your middle? Maybe your chunky friend Claire is to blame (you know, from the office? The one who always has cookies and took you to that all-you-can eat Mongolian bbq? Bitch.). Scientists recently discovered that having corpulent pals makes you more susceptible to weight gain. Dr. Nicholas Christakis, a physician and professor of medical sociology at Harvard Medical School and a principal investigator in the new study, warns that if something is not done soon, the United States will become something of “a cross between Night of the Living Dead and the Richard Simmons Cruise to Lose.”

Dr. Christakis says that his next project will focus on outlining the hidden connection between obesity and reading the famed Boredom Blog, known for its incessant promotion of the merits of excessive eating and (more often) drinking. Dr. Christakis hypothesizes that readers of the site are more inclined to make poor diet and lifestyle choices, and focuses the blame on resident blogger Erin Elvi Slives, whom he feels actively perpetuates the situation. “It’s not enough that she corrupts the morals and minds of over seven readers a day with her mildly humorous musings and off-color remarks – she is now robbing them of their health and well-being. She must be stopped, and I feel this study will go a long way in doing just that.”

These discoveries are most shocking to celebrities, who pride themselves on both their ability to count their own ribs and simultaneous tolerance for the hefty masses that fund their self-induced starvation and exercise bulimia. “This is my worst nightmare,” said Victoria Beckham, famous for no other reason than being emaciated. “I’m so quitting that lardarse salad-dodging Katie Holmes now – she’s definitely pushing eight stone [112 pounds], easy.”

What can the average person do to avoid becoming housebound by their own tonnage? “Jettison all your portly friends and stop reading this blog,” says Dr. Christakis. “God, nobody listens when I talk anymore.”

PHOTO: Dr. Christakis points out that animals are not immune to the obesity contagion, and points to this photo of Kirstie Alley's cat, taken prior to Alley joining Jenny Craig, to illustrate his point.

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To the Man Who Asked Me Out on the Subway -- Sexy as You Are, I Don't Want to Date You

Wow! I cannot believe that a guy like you would ever hit on a girl like me… I must admit that I was staring – after all, I’ve never seen a guy quite like you before. I’m not sure what drew my attention first; your inimitable sense of style (I would never have thought to pair a pink button down shirt with tartan plaid pants!), the muffin top that so deliciously hangs over your womanly hips, or the handle bar mustache that curls ever-so-sexily up at the ends. You are a whole lot of man, my friend. And while dating you would be an experience that I would never forget, I think that I must decline your very generous offer to take me out. I guess I’m just afraid to date someone who is so clearly out of my league. Thank you, though – you’ve made my day.

PHOTO: A man interested me that's as hot as Humpty Dumpty? It's too good to be true.

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

This is My 100th Post! I'm Retiring! Just Kidding. Maybe.

Wow, kids, who'da thunk it... I just hit 100 posts. The enormity of the whole situation is a bit overwhelming, so I'm just going to be lame and steal this thank-you speech that Travis (my beloved Breckin Meyer) gives in Clueless for being the most tardy student in class. Just substitute the word "blogging" for "tardiness".

"Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I'd never be tardy."

-Erin Elvi Slives

PHOTO: The sacrifices I make on behalf of the site are so worth it, especially when I get fan letters (and photos) likes these. This just chokes me up. And makes me wonder if I can find the stuff this guy's taking for sale on that Mexican pharmaceutical site that I'm so fond of...

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Quote of the Day

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
-Elizabeth Taylor

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According to the NYPD, *I* am What a Terrorist Looks Like

This morning marks the *SIXTH* time I've been searched on the subway by NYPD for weapons of mass destruction since this program has been instituted. When I lived in Chinatown, it made sense -- after all, a black person in Chinatown at 7:30 AM is clearly up to no good. But now that I'm in Brooklyn, home to black people of all races, this is ridiculous! What really gets me though is that I've noticed that the only other people being searched at the table are also of the non-white persuasion. Today, the cop who waived me over was holding an open topped cup of coffee with about a million creams in it. I think he was using it as a terrorist indicator -- anyone darker than his drink was a possible enemy combatant.

Here's the trick -- the continual raping of my civil liberties aside, it really gets my goat that they are so slow yet laughingly unthorough in their search. Yes, officer, if I were to bring a bomb on the subway, I would hide it in the pages of a Brooklyn library copy of "The Starter Wife" and not the large opaque plastic container at the bottom of my bag, so don't waste your time opening it to see what's inside! Rather, ask me where I got those nifty sunglasses from! I'm sure they'll look great on you too!

The final insult is having to explain to your boss that your late because you were stopped, yet AGAIN, to be searched by the police. I have yet to figure out the proper way to express this -- "The NYPD stopped me because they think I want to blow up the subway. But don't worry -- they didn't find anything." Err, I'm still working on the wording of this.

PHOTO: I thought it was hilarious that all of the photos on the internet of the subway searches were of this seemingly coffee-test approved guy, but then I looked up the origin of his last name, and it's Middle Eastern (Egyptian, to be exact). He probably received the complimentary upgrade to anal cavity search off camera.

READER'S POLL: Have you ever been stopped to be searched? You know me ... Do you think I look like a terrorist? Post your answers in comments.

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Today in "Massive Lapse of Judgement"....

What soon-to-be-fired ad exec thought it was a good idea to include Sarah Silverman in an ad campaign for the Gap? Nothing about her screams, "Buy our khakis" -- all I ever hear is "I'm calling my lawyer. And the ACLU. And Al Sharpton, if he'll take my call." I mean, I love her, but I wouldn't even introduce her to truckers for fear that she'd insult them with her crassness. Normally, I only list one quote, but I've included a few just to give depth and breadth to her finely tuned ability to insult and offend across any demographic...


"I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty."

“Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a f*cking dream, too.”

"I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.”

“You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.”

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Quote of the Day

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
-Henny Youngman

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Lindsay Lohan Drunk, Arrested is Hotter than Me Sober, Glamour Shot

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's been arrested for drunk driving. Again. And had coke on her. Again. Despite the fact that she can afford a driver. And a driver for her driver. Fine. We all agree she's stupid.

But damn, even shitfaced, that bitch is still hot.

It' s just not fair to those of us who cling to sobriety for over 8 hours a day in an effort to appear somewhat normal. I mean, look at me (right), and then Lindsay (left), and tell me that God's not a kidder.

Seriously, though -- the picture at left, while not me, is an actual *woman* who will also shortly be under indictment for abusing her students by throwing staplers and threatening them with shotguns. God, today's children are so sensitive ... The choir teacher at my school was so mean that two kids from the Swing Choir transferred to another school out of fear after a dissapointing show at the state competition (they came in 2nd). I'll never forget the inspirational advice that she gave to me after one particularly *emphatic* school play audition: "Erin, you sing like a man. So I'm going to treat you like one." I still don't know what that means.

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Friday, July 20, 2007

Quote of the Day

It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.
-Marlene Dietrich

But the ones who then get out of bed to bail you out of jail are in a class of their own.
- Erin Elvi Slives

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Senator Clinton Flashes Her Boobies

The Washington Post just wrote an entire article about Hillary Clinton's cleavage. I'm glad that they don't bog us down with boring stories about the war in Iraq or the nuances of the presidential campaign platforms. Just tell us which celebrities got out of rehab/jail/jury duty! Unfortunately, they neglected to mention Clinton's new campaign slogan, the timeless "Vote for me, and I'll show you my tee-tees." Yes, you laugh, but it works. Do you think I got to be Vice President of Student Council because of my forward-thinking social policies? Not bloody likely ... I won that election on my wits, tits and mountains of bullshit. Oh yes, and extensive vote tampering. I may be a Democrat, but I fight dirty like a Republican.

PHOTO: I cannot believe these rate an article. Next thing you know, Debra Messing's will be getting a four page spread in the Times. Seriously, though, if you look down Messing's shirt, all you see is belly button. It's sad, really.

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Every American Deserves the Right to Life, Liberty, and Access to Basic Salon Services

I am going to wedding this weekend near lovely Rochester (the 3rd largest city in New York), and wanted to schedule a blowout at a salon near my hotel. For the very few heterosexual men (hi Kevin!) reading this blog, a blow-out is basically a wash and blow-dry, with a minimal amount of styling. Some people might think that it is stupid to pay someone to dry their hair... And those people would be wrong. Fact is, it would take me over 2 grueling hours to do what a hairstylist can do in 45 minutes. And while it is more cost effective to do it myself, I always end up looking like Jon Lovitz after a title fight with Andy Dick. Which is not good. Not good at all.

Anywho, I called five (FIVE!) area salons, and none of them do blowouts. For the other heterosexual male reading this (hi Matt!), this is a serious W.T.F. Not offering blow-outs at a salon is like not offering off-the-record happy endings at a massage parlour... It's just not done. Now, don't feed me that "we don't do things like they do in the big city" bs -- I am from a small hamlet (we're not even big enough to be a village!) just outside of Niagara Falls, and my grandmother got hers done once a week like clockwork. I even remember my first blow-out -- from a stylist named Leteesha at a salon on Buffalo Avenue. She also did my first chemical relaxer, which was basically 45 minutes of intense scalp burn followed by six hours under a dryer watching Coming to America on mute ....God, those were good times.

So consider yourself on notice, Small Town Outside Rochester: Open up a Supercuts toute de suite, else I'm calling the ACLU -- no one should have to suffer frizz in silence.

PHOTO: A picture of me before getting my last blowout with my stylist, Fritz (right).

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

Oh, Why Couldn't Christopher Walken Have been my Bio-Dad?

This article just reinforces how fucking cool and odd he is, in his unnerving yet funny way. Unfortunately, Mr. Walken's business manager has assured me that he is not interested in adoption at present, so I guess I will just have to settle for having him as president. Heaven knows, I've settled for less.

MEMORABLE QUOTE: “Wake up, it’s time for more cowbell.” SNL would probably be on me—“We own that!” I don’t know who owns these things—I don’t have a computer.

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Quote of the Day

No, nobody knew George Michael was gay. Nobody ever suspected. How could they? What would lead you to the conclusion that George Michael, was gay? George Michael? Not the frontman for Wham! Surely you jest.
-Michael Ian Black

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Apparently, Cowboy's Meat Market Sells Steak, Not Gay Sex

Do you know that there is a place in Nantucket (um, no, I've never heard that limerick before...) called Cowboy's Meat Market? Unfortunately, they only sell the kind of meat that you don't have to worry about getting communicable diseases from. I think this name might be better than the KY Deli up on 83rd and York.

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Bastard Children replace Birkin Bags as the New Accessory of the Season

I am really very glad that my mother never wrote an op-ed piece about my illegitimate birth (seriously though, thanks Mom!). While having an interracial child born out of wedlock is hardly newsworthy these days (I hear that the mothers of all the really great bloggers are doing it), there is something about this piece that rankles my spirit. Ah, yes – it’s the fact that the author so glibly tells the tale of how she screwed not one but three men, including her poor son, who is now forever memorialized on the web as a souvenir from mommy’s trip to Mexico.

My favorite part though, has to be when she realizes that the man she is cheating on her boyfriend with isn't upset when she dumps him, and probably never loved her. Yes, I too find it shocking behavior for an adulterer. What a callous asshole... Has he no feelings?!?!?

Now, everyone knows that I am first in line at the sexual freedom fair, but I am just so over people who cheat on their significant others (let’s call them infidels, shall we?) and then get upset when their relationships fall to shit. Equally heinous are people who knowingly sleep with these infidels. Both deserve what they get, and, while I’m not saying you’ll never be cheated on if you don't cheat, I do believe firmly (and have proof) that if you get arrested for putting a brick through your ex’s windshield because he eff'ed your friend, the judge will decline to indict. It’s called karma, folks, and it’s the gas in my eco-friendly engine of revenge.

PHOTO: Don't make us reinstate these.

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Fight Terrorism the True American Way: Sue the Bastards

Today's true American hero is Marianne Pearl, who is suing al Quaeda for killing her husband, Daniel Pearl. You may know Marianne as the woman that Angelina Jolie donned blackface to portray in "A Mighty Heart," but apparently she is also the woman has the stones to take on the international terror group that killed her husband. Kudos, Marianne -- we're just hoping there isn't a sequel to your film (Too macabre? Perhaps, but we were all thinking it).

PHOTO: Despite the uproar over casting for the film, Jolie and Pearl look like twins separated at birth. By a continent. And apartheid.

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Instructables.com has Taught Me How to be a Better (and More Criminally Adept) Person

At a recent party, a friend of a friend told me about a website that she was interning for, which was basically "Youtube for instruction manuals." I am not sure if Instructables.com is the same company she was talking about, but boy is it amazing. I've spent only ten minutes on the site, and yet I already know how to tear a phone book in half, use a tree to restrain a prisoner of war, and to crack passwords on Windows XP. The only drawback is that Richard Dean Anderson had no hand in creating this website, so I fear their library of workarounds constructed from practical knowledge of science and inventive uses for common items may never be fully complete.

PHOTO: Finally, a website that answers the age-old question.

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Andy Dick Gets the Beating He So Richly Deserves

Jon Lovitz beating up Andy Dick is really great news for all of us who loved Matthew from NewsRadio, but cannot fathom how Dick managed to parlay that into a sustained career as d-lebrity asshole to the stars. This news does cause one to wonder, though -- who will be the one to give Lovitz the beating he so rightly deserves?

MEMORABLE QUOTE: (Lovitz on Dick): "I wanted to punch his face in, but I don't hit women."

PHOTO: Because of Lovitz's recent surge in popularity, producer Keenan Ivory Wayans is said to be considering him for a re-make of his 1988 cult classic "I'm Gonna Get You, Sucka", aptly renamed, " "I'm Gonna Get You, Schmeckle" to reflect Lovitz's Jewish heritage and sexual proclivities.

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A Hot Body is the Best Cure for a Fugly Face

Jennifer Aniston and Stacy Ferguson have based their entire career on this principle. And while this guy isn't exactly in their league, he definitely qualifies for the Mark Wahlberg "I didn't even know he *had* a face" category. Alas, if only all men could look like this. But then, if all men did look like this, I would probably *never* get a date. Still, it's a risk I'm willing to take.

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Baby, It's Cold Inside

Global warming apparently doesn't effect certain midtown businesses, namely the one I work in now, who see fit to keep the summer thermostat at a steady 45 degrees. Seriously, it is so cold in this office that I've developed a habit of drinking hot toddies (this is what happens when you work in a place that has a bar but not a coffee machine!) and running hot water over my hands in the bathroom on 30 minute intervals to prevent from freezing to death. Luckily, I'm a bit too tipsy to notice that I've got frostbite. Thank god for small favors.

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Quote of the Day

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
-Mae West

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Monday, July 16, 2007

Quote of the Day

ON SESAME STREET: Then they had the nerve to put a pimp on there. Now, they didn't go out and say he was a pimp. I know a pimp when I see one. They called him, "The Count". He had a cape on and everything. On the show you see him pimping. "Bitch, where is my money. You've been late 4 times, I've been counting. How many times must I smack you before you act right. "*Smack*One, *Smack*Two, Two smacks, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
-Dave Chappelle, Killin' Them Softly

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Jesus Action Figures at Walmart. I'm Speechless.

While the Jesus Action Figures have been around for a while, I am glad that Walmart waited until now to sell them. If they had been this affordable when I was a member of the 'In His Image Young Christian Coalition', I would have definitely gotten one at the Annual Christmas party (instead of the chastity ring -- I got two because I needed twice as much help). And I might have been even crazier than I already am now.

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This Blog Kicks My Blog's Ass in the Usefulness Category

Yes, this blog is amazing -- but remember, only my blog can give you the validation that your father denied you all these years.

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

Quote of the Day

So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
-Dark Helmet

SURVEY: What's your favorite Spaceballs quote? Answer in comments.

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I Prefers the Meat and Two Veg

Today’s totally inane survey that nonetheless gives freakishly accurate insight into my personality is about what your pizza topping selections say about you. Apparently, Dr. Alan Hirsch from the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago (commissioned by Domino’s, shockingly enough) wasn't too busy curing cancer to bang this out. As is per usual with these things, they are shockingly on-point in their descriptions, as I LOVE the classic pepperoni (take that basil leaf and shove it!). Here is what that says about me:

“People who order just pepperoni or sausage on their pie are generally irritable (no, I’m not, you asshole), prone to procrastination (hello, if I didn’t procrastinate I wouldn’t have a blog), and they often “forget” obligations (um, what were we talking about again?).”

Frightening, isn't it?

Where's your favorite place to get pizza? Now most of you know about my special love for chains like the Hut, but people who say CPK may be shot. "Anywhere, so long as it's in Jersey" is also *not* an acceptable answer, Lesley.

PHOTO: Answer my poll, or else the Pizza is going to send out for you!

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I Used to Be Funnier (and Less Desperate) Than I am Now

Some of you who have known me for a while may remember that I used to create “lists” for my friends, often of the top ten variety. While cleaning out my email (damn you, maximum capacity!), I recently stumbled across a few, and have posted one here for your amusement.

The following is excerpted from a 2003 email to my friend “B” from Cali, who is laughing to herself right now at the clever way in which I've disguised her name. She was having troubles with a live-in boyfriend, who had just admitted that he didn’t see their relationship going any further, as he was planning to move to JennyLand* in the indeterminate future and didn't cotton to the idea of long-distance relationships. However, he *still* wanted to keep dating, and didn't see why she wasn't keen on the idea. My response to her email is below.

"Dearest B-
...Here are some of your options:

1. Continue to date him and decide which one of your friends will be the one to go onto America's Most Wanted and say "I always knew that she would snap one day."

2. Help him pack. Tell him that you'll personally take him to Declanville* and then offer to drive him to the airport. Drop him off in the desert instead. Leave him there.

3. Shoot him. Be sure to do it in Arizona where your policemen brothers can cover up the evidence. (That's where they live, no?)

4. Let him know that you have never been one to let long distance get in the way of a caring relationship. As example, show him the letters that you send to the inmates.

5. Resolve yourself to the fact that you might one day end up on
Jerry Springer punching out a kangaroo farmer named "Sheila".

Feel better -- drink more!


PHOTO: Ah, if only someone had given me this sage-like advice before I made the same mistake, following my love all the way to NYU only to fall in love with my RA and have to choose between the two of them.....Wait, I'm confusing my life with Felicity again...Never mind.

PS: Jenny & Declan are my Australian friends. Hence, JennyLand & Declanville.

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Even the Gap Would've Fired Bush by Now -OR- The Long-Ass Quote of the Day

Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job. When Bush started his job, there was a budget surplus. Now there's like a $70 trillion deficit. Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're closing out your register and it's $70 trillion short. The average person would get in trouble for that. Then he started a war? Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're $70 trillion behind on your register and you start a war with Banana Republic because you know they're selling better tank tops than you. So now you've got employees bleeding all over the khakis. Then you finally take over Banana Republic and you find out they never made tank tops in the first place.
- Chris Rock

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The British Think of Everything, Don't They?

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Let's reinstate this, shall we?

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Webster Adds the Word "Smackdown" to Dictionary, Experts Say Dissolution of the Universe Imminent

I am now convinced that Vince McMahon is the modern-day wrestling equivalent of Vito Corleone, controlling his universe through fear, extortion and pervasive wordsmithing.

PHOTO: I believe wholeheartedly that Mario Puzo would have included something like this in The Godfather screenplay, had he thought of it. After all, dropping full trow on national tv to make someone kiss your ass is a *way* ballsier form of intimidation than putting the severed head of a million dollar arabian horse in your enemies bed.

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Quote of the Day

The trouble with censors is they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.
-Marilyn Monroe

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Newly Released from Starter Wife Rehab, I Now Focus on Getting a Starter Life

Finale: Woman narcs on alkie friend 1 to husband, and Friend 1’s Husband freaks out, makes Friend 1 go to AA. Woman starts dating Man 1, and enjoying all the perks of being with someone who is rich and influential, including, viewer hopes, some serious attention towards Woman’s obviously lacking chesticular area. Formerly homeless Man 2, now gainfully employed, tries to kick it with her whilst she is on a date with Man 1, leading Woman to declare that she is not ready to date either of them. Because when you have to choose between someone you love and someone who is rich, the obvious choice is singlehood. Um, not.

In all seriousness, while I don’t condone marrying for love, you have to admit that having a homeless boyfriend is better than ending up as the President of the International Cat Association (actually, I jokingly made up this name, but it turns out that it actually exists, and I am pretty sure that the President is single. Or a man. Or both. Frightening.).

Husband proposes to popstar girlfriend at movie premiere that he had to beg his old assistant to get in to, and Popstar Girlfriend says no for obvious reasons (he's poor, folks!), abandons him before Husband’s preemptive overdose on Viagra can take full effect. Husband calls Woman over to help him fix his situation, and viewer discovers that watching Debra Messing get the infamous “Head Push” is the quickest known cure for heterosexuality. Instead, Woman takes picture of Husband’s, um, pre"dick"ament, and uses as blackmail to get awesome divorce settlement.

Fast forward six months – woman is at dinner with all her friends, including a sober Friend 1, a pregnant Friend 2, and still token Black Friend 3 and Gay Friend 4. Woman thanks friends for support, gives them a copy of her newest children’s book, and says that she is now ready to date. Yes, we thought so. Woman asks if any of them know where the Homeless Man 2 is. Luckily, he goes to rehab with Friend 1 and works for Gay Friend 4’s boyfriend, and Woman and Man 2 are quickly united, take the final plunge… Into the ocean, that is. Let’s hope for a strong riptide.

NEXT WEEK: I make amends with those who were harmed by my addiction…

PHOTO: I couldn’t find a photo of Messing (Molly, Woman) and Moyer (Sam, Man 2) together – so you will have to settle for this picture of another famous Sam and Molly, from everyone’s favorite pottery flick, Ghost.

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Monday, July 9, 2007

As Moderately Attractive Actress Gloats at Success, God is Waiting Patiently to Smite Her

The girl who will forever on be referred to as that "Hermione chick from the Potter films" thinks that she has made enough money to retire on. Does she even know how much *blow* goes for in Tinseltown? We cannot wait for that very special episode of Montel when she argues about the virtues of being a Born Again Christian with that gay kid from "Who's the Boss?"

PHOTO: Sorry to say it, Danny Pintauro, but I fear that I am the only person in the world who can remember your name without having to look you up in IMDB first.

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Avril Lavigne Being Sued for Stealing Song, Acting Like an Asshole

Avril Lavigne, one of the few remaining true innovators left in the field of music, is being sued for stealing the lyrics from a song. I'm agog. Simply agog.

PHOTO: Hell no, you're not.

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Help Save the Great American Booby

The American Booby is in serious danger of extinction. Sign this petition to prevent this atrocity from happening.

PHOTO: I cannot even imagine a world without Dolly Parton's tits.

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EDITORIAL: Finally, An Advertising Campaign that Doesn’t Blow

This opinion brought to you by intrepid reporter and loyal Boredom Blog reader, Lesley “Rent is too damn high”

Sometimes, a truly brilliant idea arises from deepest annuls of suck that is advertising and restores our faith in coke-addled brains of the modern-day marketeer. Such is the collaboration between the The Simpsons Movie and 7-Eleven, or, as it is now known at select locations, the Kwik-E Mart.

If you who don’t know what the “Kwik-E Mart” is, please crawl out of the hole that you’ve been living in for the past 19-odd years and get a television post haste. Seriously, what are you, Mormon? The rest of you can run down and get a Buzz Cola, a Squishee or even a box of Krusty-Os in a store that has been modified to resemble the famed Springfield convenience store. Sadly, they are not selling Duff beer, because apparently “The Simpsons” is a family program and they are afraid of the message that it would send. Way to know your target demographic, Marketeers – most of the “kids” that I know who watch The Simpsons have a mortgage and a 401(K).

Interesting concept you say, but how’s the execution? Flawless. Turns out, it is not very hard to turn a “real” shitty convenience store owned by people of unidentified Middle-Eastern background into a “fictional” shitty convenience store owned by people of unidentified Middle-Eastern background. The campaign is only running until the end of July, so run (don’t walk) to the nearest Kwik-E Mart (for you NYers, it’s 345 W. 42nd Street – all else can go here to find the location nearest you) before they revert it back to the shitpit shack of coffee and crappucinos that we’ve all come to know and despise.

QUOTE: Just looking at this display makes me feel less guilty about the chili dog I just ate.

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Quote of the Day

Alcoholics need a drink first and last thing. I need oral sex and a cigarette. Which means I'm not an alcoholic.
-Peter Cook, from Not Only But Always

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What Doesn’t Make You Stronger Will Kill You

Erin’s Family: One. Erin’s Self Esteem: Zero.

Hmm, remind me again why I go home to visit my family? Ah, yes, because sometimes I go entire days without wanting to open up my wrists with a razor in a warm bath of my own blood.

I really *do* love my family, and even more so from a distance. However, whenever I go home, I am just reminded that I am one of the “elite” members of the “Z” family, known for their loyalty, superiority of nature, hand-to-hand combat techniques, and keen ability to crush you with a compliment (e.g.: “You have such a pretty face… it’s a shame you hide it beneath all that weight.” -or- “That’s the great thing about Erin … You never have to worry about leftovers.”).

The good thing about my family is that I know that I can really rely on them for anything… Which, given certain family members predilections for soldiering and militia-esque gun collection, includes weapons with which to kill my enemy and a mass grave to bury them in.

PHOTO: It's just not a family affair without a trip to the friendly neighborhood gunshop to check out new assault rifles and the seminar on converting semis to full auto.

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Thursday, July 5, 2007

Yeah, I Don't Know as Much HTML As I Thought

Pardon our dust as we upgrade the site.

And by we, I mean me and a bunch of hackers with nothing better to create better/more workable ways to manipulate blogger.com.

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What I Spent on Lunch Today

Large Container of Hummus with pita: $1.90
Peach: $.60 (2 for $1.10!)
Diet Coke: $.80
M&Ms: $.70
12 oz. bottle of V8 juice: $1

Total Bill: 5 freaking dollars. I can never leave.

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Quote of the Day

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

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Sometimes the Jokes, They Write Themselves

Apparently Jim Naugle, the mayor of Ft. Lauderdale thinks that installing automated toilets (whose doors automatically open after a set period of time) at a local beach will help to decrease instances of gay sex in public toilets. Hmm, interesting theory Mr. Mayor, but I'm pretty sure that it won't work because, as Dean Trantalis, a City Council member, points out, "There are those who would say one minute would be enough. Or 30 seconds."

Mr. Naugle further elaborated that the beach area needed the toilets as "the homosexual newspaper said it's the 'gay parking lot.' That's not me saying that…that's what they said. I don't use the word 'gay.' I use the word 'homosexual.' Most of them aren't gay. They're unhappy." Mainly because their mayor is a homophobic tool.

The best part of this article is when a policeman is basically like ‘Gay sex in toilets? Yeah, we don’t have a problem with that.’ Neither do we, Ft. Lauderdale PD. Neither do we.

PHOTO: Mr. Naugle has also proposed installing kittens in each of the toilets to deter romantic trysts, as “only a deranged maniac could have sex in front of a kitten.”

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Movie You Should See Right Now: Live Free or Die Motherf*cking Hard

Okay, went to see this last night with Daniela, and am happy to report that John McLane has once again saved the world (and his daughter) from impending destruction. I will not ruin the movie for you by recapping it, but here are some things that Daniela pointed out. If you’re John McLane, you can 1) take on a helicopter with a car in MID AIR and win. 2) Take on a F5 Jet with a tractor trailer and win. 3) Kill your captor by shooting yourself.

So rest easy, America… McLane is on it.

PHOTO: Here are two of about 80 of the cute guys that appear in this film. Seriously, every guy in this film was smoking hot.

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Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Happy Fourth of July!

I am taking today off kids to enjoy the holiday, but hope you have an amazing day. Here's wishing that all 10 of your fingers and nine of your toes make it through the fireworks!

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