Be polite. Be professional. Be prepared to kill.
- Advice to Iraqi Soldiers (And my new motto on dating) from Lt. Colonel John Nagl, Co-author of the Counterinsurgency Field Manual
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Honestly, calling something "Champagne on a Coors Light Budget" that costs nearly $1K just seems dishonest. That's a month's rent! Have you ever even bought Coors Light? Cause it's only like 5 bucks for a 24 pack, which is 1/200th month's rent. Much more economical. Perhaps you should reconsider changing the tagline to "Bud Light on a Cristal budget". Or, if you are aiming for a more frugal angle, check out the lovely offerings at Target. I'm not judging, I'm just saying.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 7:36 PM
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, kids -- I've been too busy watching this. As a side note -- I aspire to be so rich that one day, I decide to pay my favorite band to perform live inside of my tv. It's my ultimate dream.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 7:27 PM
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Patron, in what one can only imagine is an effort to compete with Vodka Red Bull (and yes, Vodka Red Bull does have its own page on Wikipedia -- Damn those liberals and their freewheeling ways!), created a coffee liqueur that is made with tequila. Finally, a hair of the dog treatment for the i-bankers to mix with their morning caffeine ... I mean, some of us have been slumming with with Kahlua, which is like drinking Gordon's when all you want is Sapphire. Honestly, the sacrifices we make just to tolerate jobs that offer massive compensation in exchange for our immortal soul. Good times.
The bad news is, the caffeine prevents you from passing out before the splitting hangover headache begins. The good news is, it significantly decreases your chances of asphyxiating on your own vomit while sleeping. Let the partying begin!
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 11:12 PM
Say you live in NYC, and wanted to turn your six pack into a keg tout de suite (crazy, we know). Good news, little man, they've finally invented a restaurant just for you. BarFly specializes in a menu of tempura and beer, and is offering complimentary desserts and angioplasty for every order over $75.
One of the other selling points for the restaurant are the graffiti chalkboards in the bathroom for patrons' use -- maybe this seems cool to the artist crowd, but true New Yorkers will avoid actively seeking out this petri dish of fecal matter posing as art noveau.
BarFry, 50 Carmine (between Bedford and Bleecker), 212-929-5050
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 10:50 PM
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Today ends Shel Silverstein week at Erin's Boredom blog, and to be honest, I'm a bit sad. I’ve loved Shel ever since I read “Who wants a Cheap Rhinoceros?” (I do! They sneak snacks for you and eat bad report cards!). My Grandma Stella purchased it for me, and I remember being excited because I thought it was a coloring book (as with all of his work, it had b&w pencil drawings). My first real introduction to formalized poetry, I memorized the whole book within weeks, and could recite it at will – even now, I still remember the opening page …
Who wants a cheap rhinoceros,
I know one for sale.
With floppy ears and cloppy feet
And a friendly wagging tail.
He’s sweet and cute and huggable,
He’s a quiet as a mouse.
And there’s lots of things that he can do around your house.
For instance ….”
The second book (A Light in the Attic) I received by Shel was probably the most influential on me, and was the reason I started writing my own poems. My grandfather gave it to me for Christmas when I was twelve (It was the last present he ever bought for me, as he died shortly thereafter), and whenever I felt scared or alone, I would read it for inspiration. So to end this series, I’ve saved the introduction from that book (and my most favorite of Shel's poems) for last…
If you are a dreamer, come in.
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer . . .
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire,
For we have some flax golden tales to spin.
- Shel Silverstein
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 10:52 AM
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Okay, whilst during research for the previous post, I found this little gem of a website (I highly recommend reading "What Liberals Believe" page, or, if you're in the mood for retching, "The Filthiest Joke I've Ever Heard"). Apparently the concubine of the leader of the Third Reich has his own blog, and yet, doesn't full understand what *exactly* it means to be a Neo-Nazi, as he quotes both Shel Silverstein AND Albert Einstein on his page. Um, yeah, the Jews are totally against Hitler, mainly because of that whole Holocaust thing -- but maybe you skipped that year in History class.
On the upside, I think I've found the one atheist NeoCon, which, on the odd scale, is right up there with Log Cabin Republicans (Whose motto is, We will persevere -- if our own party doesn't stone us to death first. Honestly, how many gay men do you know who live in a log cabin? It just doesn't make sense!).
PHOTO: When interviewed, Mr. Einstein commented that the website is "probably ran by a colossal tool who doesn't know jack about shit."
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 4:35 PM
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
"I do that too," laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
"I know what you mean," said the little old man.
- Shel Silverstein
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 3:23 PM
Dear Ames (do you mind if I call you Ames?),
Okay, I’ll admit I laughed when you did that Rehab song … Methinks you doth protest too much! Come on, even you knew that eventually you'd have to eat your words. And then vomit them up in a drug induced stupor. You remind me of another idealist, whose quest to be a Successful Fat Actress ended in her being An Unemployed Actress who then evolved into a Diet Shilling Actress.
Sorry, back to you … Seriously, how’d you od? Isn’t your mother a pharmacist? Didn’t she ever teach you that when you start to lose feelings in your forehead and legs, you should stop doing the drugs, and slow down the whiskey shooters? Even if she didn't, this is just the sort of thing you learn during Freshmen orientation at uni, which is why you should've gone. And honestly, who shoots heroin the day after od'ing?!??!! And with your father in the next room?!??!!! Who are you, Lindsay Lohan?
Anywhos, I’m glad to hear that you’ve actually checked into a rehab facility, along with your husband (is that the guy from Babyshambles?!!?!! I thought he was with Kate Moss. I know we’re friends, but she is way cuter than you. And she eats almost every single day!). I heard it was in the US? What, was there no vacancy in the Columbian detox clinic? I mean, going to the US to kick drugs is like, um….going to the US to lose weight (like the above-mentioned actress, who has kicked neither her drug nor ding-dong habit). The only upside to rehabbing in America is the fact that, during your stay, you’ll probably meet Lindsay Lohan. Or Paris Hilton. Or Nicole Ritchie. Or Posh Spice (she's on drugs, I'm sure of it).
Well, good luck at rehab… You’re gonna need it.
Erin Elvi Slives
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 1:46 PM
Monday, August 13, 2007
Despite her recent overdose, Amy Winehouse did not, in fact, check into rehab. She checked into the Four Seasons instead. You can see how I could get the two confused -- both have incredibly rich people tottering around in varied states of sobriety screaming for room service. Okay, you all know I'm against rehab, but *some* people do need it. For instance, if you take a "cocktail of heroin, ecstasy, cocaine and the horse tranquiliser ketamine" and don't DIE, perhaps you should reconsider your stance on drug rehabilitation programs... I'm not judging, I'm just saying.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 10:45 AM
Friday, August 10, 2007
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 3:15 PM
Okay, I don't really hate on Philadelphians, except my sister and this guy, who suggests that what this country needs is another 9/11. As someone who was in the New York at the time of the attacks, and directly suffered from the mayhem of destruction, terror and overwhelming loss stemming from that fateful day, I say "f*ck you very much." However, dear terrorists, if this is indeed what you are planning, may I suggest you focus your sites on a little city in Southern Pennsylvania (6th most populous in the nation!) known for its cheesesteak and op-ed pieces that make my head want to explode with rage.
ASSIGNMENT: Email this tool at email@example.com and let him know what a colossal asswad he is.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 2:15 PM
No plans for the weekend? Go see Tucker in a Box. Put together by my good friends Reba and The Clapp and produced by the Tank, it is a searing portrait of a former band reuniting to mourn the death of one of their own. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder which Beatle you would have been (Ringo, right?) and if you can really buy used panties from a vending machine in Japan (Sadly, no). It's an all-around good time for all.
ADDITIONAL PERFORMANCES: Friday, August 10 @ 7:30p; Saturday, August 11 @ 3p and 7:30p; Sunday, August 12 @ 3p
Buy tickets here.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 10:57 AM
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Some covert spying (disguised as peeing) has led me to discover that some of the secretaries in the office pool refer to me as "Erin Brokovich." Well, I do thank you for the compliment, but honestly, my boobs are way bigger.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 3:07 PM
Sometimes in life, you spend 112 minutes doing something, all the while wishing that a staple gun would accidentally discharge into your head so as to end the misery of the task. And that in a nutshell, dear friends, is what it is like to watch the current remake of Hairspray.
Words cannot express the level of suckitude this film reached – there is a special level in hell for the producers of this shit fit of bad acting and worse singing. The only two highlights of the film had to be Zac Efron as Link, who was styled as a young Elvis Presley (so I naturally am biased) and Christopher Walken (but seriously, isn’t he the highlight of every film?). Walken played Mr. Turnblad (the role originally filled by Jerry Stiller) to perfection. The best part is, he completely re-imagined the role in the way that only he could do, and even banged out a kiss with the uggo John Travolta (who, if Divine was “divine” as the original Edna Turnblad, then John Travolta was “travolting.” Seriously, I nearly projectile vomited when I saw them smooch, and by the look on Walken’s face, so did he.).
I guess the real trick of it is that no one can out-camp John Waters, and camp is what made the original version of this film so great. Cleaning it up to make it more kid and history-friendly (um, yeah, thanks Tracy Turnblad for beating a cop during a segregation protest and then ditching all your black friends when they get arrested by the cops. Seriously, very classy) only served to water down the delicious ridiculousness of the film. In conclusion, save your money and rent the original film. In the delightful words of Mr. Pinky of the Hefty Hideaway, "You'll be glad you did."
This is America, babe, you gotta think big to be big.
- Mr. Turnblad
PHOTO: Seriously, Jared Leto is pissing himself somewhere, cause Zac Efron way out Jordan Catalano's the original.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 1:08 PM
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Cops not getting arrested for DUI? Next you'll say that they let their personal feelings prejudice the way they treat citizens. I for one just don't believe it.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 4:59 PM
This article is so much funnier than anything I could write, that I'm not going to even bother. Special "Mother of the Year" Award goes out to the mother who let her kid chase down a thief with a gun. Special "You are *SO* Getting Raped in Jail" Award goes out to the thief who allowed himself to be chased down by said child.
Perhaps Bush should consider sending an All-Toddler-Task Force to the Middle East to deal with terrorists. Just a thought.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 4:53 PM
Monday, August 6, 2007
Dear Art World,
I think your ranks have been infiltrated by a scam artist. Don't you know that you should never trust a man without a Wikipedia page? Are you really so desperate that you've lowered your standards to this? How is this "non-painting" art? I mean, come on -- even Andy Warhol spent 10 minutes (and more than one color) on banging out that soup can. And let's just say, for shits and giggles, that it *is* technically art--why the hell do we need more than one? Now, I’ve never pretended to get, or even like, art, but I’m pretty sure that this is not it. The painter, Qiu Shihua, says if you stare at it long enough, objects appear. I believe we have this already -- it's called Magic Eye, and the last time I checked, you could get it BOGO-free from your local mall kiosk. So unless the "object" appearing is the money you paid for it, I recommend passing on this little gem.
-Erin Elvi Slives
A concerned Elvis fan
PHOTO: I have one just like it in my living room -- it was done by Paz Martinez, a local artist. He works across several mediums and even did the tiles in my bathroom.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 2:04 PM
Can you believe those assholes don't have a job? Me neither.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 1:42 PM
Ice Cube (perhaps you've heard of him? You know, the seventh richest person in hip-hop?) is going to reprise the role of Gabe Kotter in the film remake of Welcome Back, Kotter. While no other cast decisions have been finalized, it is rumoured that Corey Feldman is lobbying for the role of Freddy "Boom-Boom" Washington, and Bobby Seale is in talks to play Principal Woodman.
PHOTO: Get out the Oscars, Academy -- I think we've a winner on our hands.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 12:25 PM
God, this movie was so good. Like smart, slick, and well-put-together -- a true thinking man's action film, good. Like the best action flick that I've seen in a really long, long, time good. Like better than anything that those stupid b*tches from the Yoplait commercial could come up with good. Like, if The Fugitive, First Blood, and Die Hard had an orgy that produced an illegitimate baby good. Yeah, that good. Okay, I'll stop now. Director Paul Greengrass was a bit too, um, zealous with the shaky cam, though, so be sure to take a dramamine before you go. Also, be warned: if you are into watching hot guys be the living shit out of each other (as I am), be sure to take someone that you can sleep with afterwards. It greatly enhances the experience.
PHOTO: Never was one of Matt's biggest supporters, but this body, um, I mean role has converted me into a Damon Superfan. That is, until he goes all soft and pretty boy again.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 11:22 AM
I got searched in the subway. Again. For the seventh time in two years. And the second time in a month. This is so getting old. Seriously, NYPD, Terrorists don't love America half as much as I do. So why do you keep harassing me??!?!!!
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 11:07 AM
Would you ever in your life eat something called "Tidgy Toads?" No? Then you must not be British. Finally, a reason to feel superior. Personally, I'd prefer it were because of our diplomatic efforts and sound foreign policy, but I suppose not selling dodgy snack food named after a mud-covered amphibian will have to do.
PHOTO: Can't you just imagine Aunt Bessie out back behind her house, chasing those slippery f*ckers down for stew?
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 10:45 AM
Friday, August 3, 2007
Fantastic news, everyone -- all charges have been dropped against Duane "Dog" Chapman and his cohorts for illegaling detaining Andrew Luster in Mexico in 2004.
This means that he can continue to make the one show on TV that continues to delight and amaze me with its inane yet poignant approach to bounty hunting. Combining salvation and street wisdom, Dog and his crew escort those who have fallen from grace not only to jail, but to the path to enlightenment. So here's to you, Dog Chapman, for making Hawaii, and the world, just a little bit safer.
It's just like being a father; you got to show them love and you got to show them the path. I don't like this role-model stuff, though. Jimmy Swaggart was my role model and he got caught buying whores twice. So don't look at me as a role model.
#1 you never hit a woman. #2- you never hit a pregnant woman.
Born on a mountain, raised in a cave. Arresting fugitives is all I crave.
Sometimes even though you win- you lose.
I like it when a plan comes together that you didn't plan.
At the end of the criminal rainbow- there is no pot of gold.
In 1979 Texas Department of Corrections let me loose and they said you know what - go be a productive member of society. I said what? Here is 200 dollars for 18 months making all those big rocks little rocks. Texas was hell back in the seventies- now go do something with your life. I walked out- there is a big clock in the Texas penitentiary and it said high noonsville. I flipped it the bird and cashed my check and away in life I went. Everywhere I went for a job they said what did you do in your past- I said - will discuss. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? I said will discuss. My own father said - you can't get a drivers license, you can't vote, you might as well burn your birth certificate. I had one person that thought I could be something - that was my mother. My mother was part Indian. She said- no matter what son- the sun rises on you. I ain't nothing special- I'm five foor seven soaking wet I'm 200 pounds. What I had was heart and faith and I said I'm going to do this for every convict alive and I'm going to make sure the world knows just because we fell one time doesn't mean we can't get up and let our light shine.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 1:10 PM
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
Unless you are the president, and then, for the love of god, please sit down!! Damn man, aren't your feet tired? I know America is.
-Erin Elvi Slives
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 11:19 AM
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Great news, guys! You know that thing?!?!! The thing that I tried to replace but then it was, er, stolen, and I couldn't find it anywhere else?!?!! The thing I wanted more than anything else (with the possible exception being the fireman I met in Rock Center), and have been looking all over for? Well, I might be getting it. Awesome, right?!! Think of how *EVEN* more satisfying this news will be when you figure out what the hell I'm talking about.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 3:05 PM
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
As many of you know, I have a somewhat morbid fascination with death in all of its various forms. Everyone’s gotta have a hobby, right? Which is why I recently was, um, interested to see ‘Ed Gein’, which chronicles the life of the world’s most infamous serial killer.
Now you may be thinking “Who the heck is Ed Gein? How can he be so infamous if I’ve never even heard of him?” Well, the name might not be familiar, but you definitely seen his work. Take Norman Bates from Psycho, Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs, Ezra Cobb from Deranged and Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre and wrap them all up into one real live person. That’s right. All *FOUR* of these films are based (albeit loosely) on Gein’s life of necrophilia, murder and general all-around f*cked-up-edness. However, as someone who regularly reads crimelibrary.com and watches CSI religiously, I thought I was prepared to watch this film – I was so f*cking wrong.
The thing about Ed Gein is, as with most serial killers, he really, REALLY loves his mother. There’s even one scene where he’s hugging her, like um, Oedipal-ly tight, and she’s all, “What the hell, Ed? You need to cut that shit out.” (It was a bit more Christian-like, but you get the gist.) What’s even odder is his level of devotion to her, despite her proclivity for constantly reading passages from the bible about whores and dousing him with scalding water when he masturbated. I love my mother a lot too, but either one of those would be a deal breaker for me. Needless to say, this treatment, coupled with the complete isolation (his mother was afraid that outsiders would corrupt her family, so she moved them to a remote farm and prevented Gein from making outside friends) is most likely what led Gein to commit these atrocious acts.
Now, I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, but I feel that I should warn you that he has a penchant for digging up bodies and, um, manipulating them. Also, I learned that a particularly memorable passage from (the book) American Psycho (that I remember to this day with perfect clarity and fright, despite having read it over 13 years ago) describing a certain female body part that had been detached from the body and wrapped in a bow was stolen from Gein’s playbook. This. Film. Is. So. F*cked. Up!
The thing is, while it was spectacularly gruesome specimen, it was incredibly true to the actual occurrences (albeit perhaps a bit more reserved in certain sections, if only to maintain the “R” rating). It also does an excellent job of delving into the psyche of Gein, without making him look like a sympathetic character. Overall, it is great film if you are into ultra-shock horror flick, the scariest part being that (and so much more that we’ll probably never know about) is true. Don't plan on eating or sleeping for a day or so after watching this. You were warned.
PHOTO: Um, yeah, I'm not going to post actual photos of him or the film because I'm still way too freaked out. So instead, enjoy this adorable kitten's re-enactment of a pivotal scene in the movie.
Posted by Erin "Elvis Lives" at 3:26 PM