Sunday, January 9, 2011

Twilight should not be the highlight of your life.

Dear Cathy,

You are going to regret this for the rest of your life.


Common Sense

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My mind is blown.

Chloe Sevigny and Pauly D might be a couple. I don't know how I feel about that.

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The world is kicking my ass.

This Friday, instead of going to a party, I fell asleep at 7 PM in the midst of reading for b-school with an empty box of Golden Crisp on my chest. That was quite possibly the highlight of my week. Don't feel sorry for me, though -- I dreamt that I was picking out an outfit to wear to my company's IPO. Best dream ever.

PHOTO: Remember Golden Crisp's old mascot, Sugar Bear? I think he got fired after he was discovered in a Beverly Hills bathroom with George Michael.

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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The time for full disclosure has come. Avert your eyes.

Current Stats: I weigh 177 pounds right now, with a BMI of approximately 29%. My target is 145 (or thereabouts). My inspiration is Natalie Portman's training for Black Swan. KIDDING! I kid. I want to be able to perform when this resolution is done, not be an alarming anecdote in a Gawker article about Darren Aronofsky. So don't worry, as all of this will be done under the strictest consultations of the finest doctors that WebMD can buy.

Photo: I could never pull off that eye makeup. I totally have that crown, though.

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In six months, I will be bionic.

As some of you may have suspected, I am not Oprah Winfrey, and thus have not the resources nor the cognitive ability to balk a storied New Year's tradition that sets millions up for inevitable disappointment just to live in the now of common sense and good judgment. Instead, I've decided to amuse you by making resolutions that I will actually keep. Or, that I fail at so spectacularly you can't help but be riveted.

My resolutions are as follows:

  • Be a performance-level aerialist (read: be able to perform for 2-3 minutes non-stop) by July 1, 2011.

  • Lose 30 pounds by July 1, 2011.

They are serious and difficult goals (shocking, I know), but this woman broke both of her legs, and is still teaching yoga classes, so I have no excuses for failure. Except laziness. That will always be an acceptable excuse. Join me and laugh at my pain! It will most likely be substantial.

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Monday, August 31, 2009

In which I try to make a friend on Friendster. And fail.

[Ed. Note: An email exchange I had with someone who who read my profile on friendster, and emailed me because he thought I was "interesting." We had been corresponding for about a week, and were discussing our mutual desire to expatriate from the U.S. (an incredibly prescient decision, given the election held later that year].

From elvi slives
Sent Tuesday, February 24, 2004 5:51 pm
To [redacted]
Subject Re: elvi from Friendster

How have you been? I am amazingly slammed at work (as usual) so I've not been able to respond to you until now.

If I were to go ex-pat, I would move somewhere benign, like London or Toronto -- I have to admit, London has such an amazing draw because it's an excellent base to travel from. Ideally, I would eventually learn another language (I'm thinking German or French as they are v. internationally-recognized languages, in addition to English-- When I was in Germany, my host family didn't speak English, so I learned it pdq -- especially the really important phrases, like Frühstück" (breakfast) and "Einkaufen" (shopping) and "Ach mein Gott, ist ihr haar in brand" (Oh my god, your hair is on fire!" ...

Music has suddenly become v. important part of my life for no good reason (although I do not own massive collections of CDs as I frequently lose the CD (but never the CASE!)). I listen to all kinds but country, and even some of that too ... I'm not too into the whole Dave Matthews kind of music (I always feel like he's on the verge of coughing), but everything else is pretty game (right now I'm listening to The Hours CD, which is great if you are into string instruments (mostly piano) -- it has a very ambient quality to it, but is perhaps too powerful to be a film score.

I'm lazy when it comes to calling people (I am much more email-oriented --the voice-box I've had to use since the tracheotomy freaks people out sometimes, jk, maybe), but you can buzz me if you want (my cell is [redacted]).


elvi slives

PHOTO: This man is a douche. I don't know why I hate him, I just do.

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This photo answers queries about what I did this weekend.

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Friday, August 28, 2009

Who is this person, and how did they get access to my email?!?!!

[Ed. Note: This is an email I sent to an old boss inviting her to have drinks with me. Surprisingly, she still went (against her better judgment, no doubt).]

From elvi slives
Sent Tuesday, June 29, 2004 12:07 pm
To T-
Subject elvi slives

You are cordially invited to

Lunch with elvi slives
Former Assistant to T- &
Event Planner Extraordinaire

To discuss life, work, and the pursuit of the perfect diet

RSVP to [redacted]

This invitation is non-transferrable.

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He's so sweet I want to punch him.

[Ed. Note: Ah, the classic getting to know you email... Once Facebook got a hold of you, you were never the same.]

From elvi slives
Sent Friday, April 11, 2003 10:33 am
To distribution
Subject Re: Getting to know your friends questionnaire

1. What color are your kitchen plates? PLATES?!?!? I don't own no stinkin' plates!
2. What are you reading now? What A- and J- should be reading ... specifically
How to Be Good by Nick Hornby. I've learned nothing yet. NOTHING!
3. What's on your mouse pad? It's black, and has a slot for putting pictures in. I keep the latest top ten list I'm working on in it.
4. Favorite board game? Board Games are what happens when a party runs out of beer. NEVER RUN OUT OF BEER!
5. Favorite magazine? Erm ... I don't know. OH!
6. Favorite Smell? Clean clothes. That somebody else washed.
7. Least favorite Smell? Um, that would have to be the gas in my kitchen ... on a related note, does anyone know how to light a pilot light?
8. The first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Nap for 25 more minutes. Everyday. Seriously.
9. Favorite color? Black. Until they discover a color that is darker. And then, that shade.
10. Least Favorite color? Too many to enummerate.
11. How many rings before you answer the phone? Assuming that the battery isn't dead. Assuming that the phone is actually on. Assuming that I haven't left it in the back of a cab. 4 rings -- but I'm only assuming.
12. Future child's name? Whoops and Nother-one.
13. What is most important? Three 24 hour drug stores within a five minute walk of your apartment. IN ANY DIRECTION!!!!!! (Except for the river, but I haven't looked yet)
14. Chocolate or Vanilla? Heavenly Hash ... where Chocolate meets Vanilla ... and they make sweet sweet love.
15. Do you like to drive fast? Urm, does L- like Old Navy? I think so!
16. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? George is not a stuffed animal -- he's just deanimated.
17. Storms - cool or scary? Depends -- if I'm drunk, then yes. Just kidding ... I'm always drunk!
18. What type was your first car? A tractor. But it was a John Deere, so that made it all good ...
19. If you could meet one person dead or alive who would it be? Alive. Seriously though, it depends. Would he worship me like a god? Then, Hugh Jackman.......................................sorry, was just thinking about what that would be like. On a related note, does anyone know Hugh Jackman?
20. Favorite alcoholic drink? I like pina coladas. And getting caught in the rain. I don't go for yoga, but I do like champagne.
21. What is your sign and birthday? Septemberish, 19-something or other. I'm twentyish. And a virgo. Which means I HATE YOU. Unless you're my friend. Then we cool.
22. Do you eat the stems of Broccoli? NO -- that would require me to actually eat broccoli. And that would be gross.
23. If you could have any job what would it be? Tough call. Professional Hockey player -- cause then I could play grabass with them without all the legal ramifications. Mmm, grabass.
24. If you could have any color hair, what would it be? Probably the color it is now -- I'd say blonde, but then
Beyonce has helped me to discover that I would look like an idiot.
25. Is the glass half full or half empty? If there's liquor in it, probably all empty.
26. Favorite Movie? Mallrats. "I love the smell of commerce in the morning."
27. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Of course. Do you pee with the door open? What kind of sick bastards write this stuff?
30. Favorite sport to watch? Hockey. Mmmm, grabass.
31. What is your single biggest fear? Living forever. I've been told that it won't happen, but that person also told me that I looked good in pink (really, what were you thinking, Mom?), so I don't know what to believe.
32. Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you. She's moving in with this really great girl! And she calls me when Old Navy puts out their new line of flip flops. That's friendship, people.
33. Person most likely to respond? Erm ... no one. I don't have that many friends.
34. Person you sent this to who is least likely to respond? I hate these questions ... didn't you just hear me? I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS! I nearly shit myself today when I got four emails ... but then I realized that three of them were from my good friends, Emil and Zargost, giving me directions on how I can become longer and harder to better satisfy my many womens. Did you hear that L-?? That's another perk about living with me!
35. Favorite CD? Right now it's Philip Glass' The Hours CD. BUt only because it was free, and my CD player at home refuses to play any others. DAMN FASCISTS! Now they make CD players. I should have known -- it has pics of Mussolini on the speakers.
36. Favorite TV. show?
Good Morning Miami (I love Jake -- he's so sweet I want to punch him!)
37. Ketchup or mustard? Salsa. Of course.
38. Hamburgers or hot dogs? Yes, please.
39. Favorite soft drink? Cherry coke, Dr. Pepper, or root beer-- Diet [fill in name of new fad drink here]
40. The best place you have been? The 24 grocery SUPER store on 83rd and 1st -- I didn't know what to do, but I sure had fun (I bought circus peanuts and Diet Orange Crush -- AND I SCOFF AT THE IRONY OF IT ALL!)
41. What Screen Saver is on your computer right now? None. But I have a picture of
Helena Bonham Carter smoking a cigarette. Because she's that cool.

PHOTO: Mmm, grabass.

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Remember when I used to get excited about things? Those were good times.

[Ed. Note: This was an email I sent out the first day of work at a new job. I blame my childhood addiction to Anne Shirley for the over exuberance -- luckily, it was later beaten out of me with a wire hanger (thanks, Mom!).]

From elvi slives
Sent Monday, March 3, 2003 5:40 pm
To distribution
Subject RE: First Day of Silence ... Yip. EE!!!

Dear All,

As you may (or may not, if you are wont to ignore me when I speak) know, today was my first day at [redacted] -- and what a day! Everyone here is really nice, and they are all women -- which is weird, because you really don't notice it, until you go into the kitchen and notice the freakish amounts of tea, chocolate and diet soda (as well as various other treats) that are offered complimentary as part of working here. Dear [redacted], I think I love you.

So, anyway, everyone was also very helpful without being overly so -- when I was looking for the staples, the president asked me if I needed any help! She's seems very approachable (and you know me, I love to APPROACH!), but I am waiting to decide -- you never can tell these days.

I have my own office (if by office, you mean room that everyone calls my office where I am by myself that everyone walks through to get to the bathroom, then yes, MS. SEMANTICS, I DO have my own office), but there is lots of gibby-gabbing going on, so there's opportunities to be both independent and co-mingle with others. Plus, there are tons of couches throughout, so naptime's a breeze! Okay, not really -- we have to draw straws! Plus, my office has all the product samples in it -- could life get any better? I submit that it could not.

A- (my boss) also sent me an invite to a tasting, which is very exciting, since I've never been to one before (M- and J- used to go at [redacted], and you don't usually do them for meetings, since most everyone knows what sandwich tastes like) ...

So, if the first day is any indication, I think I will like it here!

Talk to you soon!

elvi slives

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