Wednesday, October 31, 2007

NEWSFLASH: My Unofficial Boycott of The Onion is Officially Over.

If you've been reading the Boredom Blog with any sort of regularity, you may remember that I've been boycotting The Onion because of their, um.... Wait, it'll come to me....Yeah, I forget. I'm currently boycotting about 16 things right now, so it's hard to keep them all straight (Which reminds me, do any of you remember why I'm not calling my mother? Please post in comments). Sadly, I'm not together enough to put together any kind of formalized thing, so I decided to forget to read the site to show them *just* how angry I am. My initial goal was one month, but diligence (and early-onset of Alzheimer's) allowed me to go strong for over six weeks.

Anywho, I finally broke down today to check my horoscope, and boy, was I glad I did, as they advised that I shouldn't "be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future."

Luckily for me, this was not 100% accurate -- she used dental floss instead (I think because it doesn't fray as much). However, I knew it was coming, and had the foresite to stick my glock in my handbag beforehand. Needless to say, that'll be the last time that hygenist screws with me.


PHOTO: Whatcha gonna do when this b*tch comes for you?

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Quote of the Day -- Halloween Edition

Hold on, man. We don't go anywhere with 'scary', 'spooky', 'haunted', or 'forbidden' in the title.
Shaggy, Scooby-Doo

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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Today in Stupid Ways to Spend Your Money

Perhaps you've just been cast as Puck in your local community theatre and/or prison's production of Midsummer's Night Dream. And, while you feel confident that your acting will convince everyone that you are a devilish sprite (except maybe your father, who stopped believing your theatrical abilities shortly after you moved back home because you could no longer afford the Y), you want to seal the deal. Good news! You can now get your ears surgically altered to be the perfect accoutrement to your fairie costume. The added bonus being you'll also hear better. Um, yeah. Tonight, I had the choice of going to the gym, or updating you on the latest elfin body mod. And you're welcome.

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Quote of the Day

Idealism is fine; but as it approaches reality, it becomes cost prohibitive.
- William F. Buckley Jr.

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I Need Your Validation, Erm, Vote.

While it was funny at first that no one voted voted in my "Why Don't You Vote in My Polls" poll (despite record high traffic levels to my site), now it's just sad. So while I appreciate your ironic tendencies (so clever, you are!), please stop being funny and start participating (whew, think I just flashed back to 2nd grade math class. And 11th grade remedial English).

POLL: Don't you like my polls? Answer in comments (if you dare).

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Monday, October 29, 2007

I am the Antidote to a Satisfying Personal Relationship

This weekend I discovered what is wrong with my dating skills. I’m like the Groucho Marx of dating -- I don’t want to be with anyone who’d have me as a girlfriend. To achieve this, I only pick quirky guys who wouldn’t possibly be attracted to me, which then allows for the perfect relationship conundrum. Either they politely avoid me until the restraining order comes through, or decide to date me in a fit of desperation (much like the ones that has kept Jerry Springer in two houses and a villa in Spain these many years). However I have a tendency to punish the latter’s severe lapse in good judgment by obsessing about the quirks that initially drew them to me to them, and eventually, the constant lateness, inability to eat yellow cheese, or odd tendency to bounce when walking (sadly, all real examples) slowly (well, it seems like an eternity, but is usually 2 – 3 weeks) drives me to dumping the person that my mother is convinced is my last chance at happiness.

Because of this, breaking up has always been a relief (and often, quite the highlight of a relationship) for me. Mainly because I then go back to watching Hope Floats on loop and eating Nutella straight from the jar. Okay, I never really stopped, but it is nice to have an excuse to do it.

PHOTO: Even the Evangelicals have given up on me. Oddly enough, I feel very appreciative.

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Quote of the Day

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Friday, October 26, 2007

Two Things I Appreciate Most About My Friends: Their Loyalty & Ability to Drink Large Quantities of Liquor in One Sitting

Today I checked my blog stats, which should be a piteous zero, considering that I haven't written anything in the past, um, month. Shockingly, though, there has been a consistent group of people who have been checking the website, seemingly everyday, for updates. And it reminded me that the thing I like most about all of you is your refusal to give up on me, no matter how hopeless the situation may seem. So thanks for the support, kids. You're the reason I got into this business in the first place. Well, that, and for the chicks.

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Quote of the Day

I like parties, but I don’t like piƱatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
- Demetri Martin

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Colbert Polling in Front of Kucinich: I Know of One Pres. Candidate Contemplating Suicide

Sometimes, real life is so funny that I don't need to waste my time trying to make it funnier. But my constant strivings towards total inanity still demand that I try.

Stephen Colbert's fake Presidential Campaign (for South Carolina) has him polling in front of Dennis Kucinich, according to the Washington Post. And while this is incredibly funny for most (though sad for others with predelictions for people who treat their pockets as mini-Mary Poppins carpet bags), I cannot help but think that this campaign is also a sad reminder that American Politics are truly a joke, and we citizens no longer care that we're the punchline. That being said, I'm still voting Colbert/Craig in 2008!

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Diet Stats

Weight: 16.64 Stone (Hmm, I suck at this, eh?)
Smokes: 2ish (It was really 7, but they were lights, so they only had enough tobacco for 2 real cigarettes)
Drinks: 3 (But I haven't had lunch yet)
Exercise: Sure, why not?

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