Thursday, June 28, 2007

NEWSFLASH: People Actually Read This Blog

I signed up for Google Analytics (tracks webpage statistics) a few days ago on a lark, and was shocked by the status report I got this afternoon… Apparently, I have readers from three different continents! Since only six of them are habitable, that means I have like a 50% continent approval rating! I am *so* going to be bought out by Google.

PHOTO: I look forward to the day when I can wax poetic about my former poorness.

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Look Ma, No Hands!

Every once in a while, the impact of a truly amazing invention changes the course of history. If Thomas Edison hadn't invented the phonograph, L'il Mama might never have had the chance to share with the world the joys of wearing Lipgloss. If the 4th Earl of Sandwich wasn't too busy gambling to eat a proper meal, we might never have known the deliciousness of a pb&j. And if George Keppler had never invented this hoodie, frat boys everywhere would still have to worry about their cheap friend Mark drinking their brew while they were in the can. Thank you George Keppler, you're a true American hero.

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I Have Enrolled in Starter Wife Rehab

It’s official kids – I have a problem. And like every junkie, I’m looking for one final score before I go clean. Luckily, this decision coincides perfectly with the finale tonight! In the meantime, I am posting the recap from last week. I should warn you that the inanity of the show has never been more deliciously apparent.

Hour Five: Woman repeatedly effs the shit out of Man 2 while Man 2 confides that he killed his best friend in drunk driving accident, being homeless is his repentance. Hmm, interesting, Man 2 was convicted of Man 2. That can't be a coincidence. Woman, Woman’s Attorney meet with Husband, Husband’s Lawyer where Husband’s Lawyer tries to play hardball. However, Husband’s recent promotion drives him to increase Woman’s Lawyer’s initial proposal, but he later reneges, postpones negotiations.

Woman attends memorial for non-dead Man 1 with Man 1 disguised as a woman who looks like a man who used to be a linebacker. Woman’s Husband gives self-aggrandizing eulogy, but the rest of Man 1’s friends give heartfelt remarks that make Man 1 weep, decide to end charade. Man 1 goes up on stage and reveals himself to his friends (figuratively, not literally), who applaud him. Show has completely severed from reality – if any of you ever did that, I would hug you first from joy, but then I’d kick your emotion-whoring ass out of principle. Elated, Man 1 greenlights a bunch of indie projects, then fires Woman’s Husband for being a soulless loser. Woman rejoices at Husband’s comeuppance, not realizing that her alimony, lunches at Nobu and summer house on the beach just went out the door with it.

Conversation with her child, Man 2 prompt Woman to write a children’s book (she was an author before she was married) about sharks. Man 1 does community service for pretending to be dead, asks out and is turned down by Woman. Woman takes book to Old Agent, who says it is crap. Friend 2 tries to eff real estate agent, cannot go through with it. Friend 1 decides not to get plastic surgery, tells Woman she is off the sauce, proceeds to chug a bottle of vodka alone. Token Black Friend 3 walks in on Woman, Man 2, then later Popstar Girlfriend of Husband with her secret lover, while both were in flagrante. Hello, knocking? They invented it for a reason.

Friend 1 invites everyone over for brunch, and several awkward conversations hinting around Man 2’s homelessness ensue, stemming from his admission that he didn't know what “American Idol” was. Viewer calls bullshit. Woman is always blabbing on about how he's a "reader" -- didn’t he ever read any of the newspapers he slept on? Accountant Boyfriend of Token Gay Friend 4 offers Man 2 a job at his firm, Man 2 declines. Woman, Woman’s friends, and every single unemployed viewer (namely, me) groan in disgust. Man 2 tries to change subject, but Woman won’t drop it, and Man 2 storms off. Friend 1’s husband shows up, is upset that Friend 1 is no longer in rehab, says that things are going to change now that he is back. Overwhelmed by the new character addition, viewer spends three hours staring into a bathroom mirror and wondering how she ever let her habit get this far.

Next Week: Finally Finale! Woman is forced to choose between homeless hottie, richie rich. Viewer is confident that she will make the wrong choice.

PHOTO: Token Black Actress realizes that her years of training at the American Conservatory Theater and Tony Award were only precursors to a career playing Token Black Friend 3 to such talented thespians as Debra Messing, Beyoncé Knowles, Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson.

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Quote of the Day

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Wine Shown to Stave Off Cavities, Heart Disease, Fear of Dying Alone

Recently studies by scientists in Grenoble now show that, in addition to preventing heart disease and cavity decay, drinking large quantities of red wine can help to inhibit feelings of desperation and loneliness stemming from an inability to successfully form long-term sexual relationships.

Many experts remain skeptical of the reports, and suggest that the studies will be seen as an attack on marriage, something which many cultural institutions and most overbearing mothers have long endorsed as the foundation of a happy and moral life. Others fear the possible ramifications on civilization should humans stop partnering off and procreating in favor of boozing it up. “If people stop worrying about their dead-end relationships,” says noted psychologist and innovator in couples therapy Dr. Phil, “then who will watch my show?”

However, this comes as a welcome validation to those who have long suspected the inebriant’s powerful curative ability, including John Rilkevich, who turned to drinking boxed wine shortly after his wife left him. “I drink to forget,” said Rilkevich. “Luckily, the reverse isn’t true.”

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Rev. Al Sharpton Suing GEICO for its “Racist” Portrayal of Cave Men

The Rev. Al Sharpton yesterday demanded that the insurance company GEICO immediately cease its “Cave Man” ad campaign or face a possible law suit from the National Action Network. “We cannot let this blatant racism continue,” said the Rev. Sharpton. “Is not the Caveman our brother? Does he not deserve the same respect and accident protection that we do?”

Joe Lawson of The Martin Agency, the company who created the ads for GEICO, is quick to point out that the ads cannot be racist as cavemen have been extinct for over 24,000 years, more than 23,998 years before GEICO began their campaign. “I would never knowingly discriminate against any *living* ethnic group or creed,” Mr. Lawson said. “The Aunt Jemima debacle of 2001 taught me that racism, and blackface, are no longer cool.”

But Cirroc, Director and General Counsel for the website is quick to point out that cavemen such as himself *do* in fact, still exist. Cirroc fell into a glacial crevasse sometime during the Middle Paleolithic era, only to be discovered in 1988 by scientists who were able to revive him. He went on to graduate from NYU Law and later became the US Attorney for the Southern District, where his Perry Mason-esque in-court musings about his experiences from his past and present life were used as fodder for a recurring sketch by Saturday Night Live that featured Phil Hartman. Outraged, Cirroc originally created Up With Cavemen in protest of the show, but it quickly evolved into a social justice site, dedicated to raising awareness for the inequalities that today's Caveman faces. Cirroc says his goals are simple and few. "All I want in life is to be treated equally. And the new iPhone.”

PHOTO: In the end, I’m just a man,” says Cirroc. “No more, no less.”

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Quote of the Day

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."

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Monday, June 25, 2007

Scientific Fact of the Day

Apparently, Canadian researchers have just completed a study that proves smoking cigarettes while chewing nicotine gum has little to no adverse affect on the body. Call me crazy, but isn't that a bit like drinking while in rehab? I'm not against it per se, I'm just saying it sounds like something that Charlie Sheen would do (Too soon?).

PHOTO: Remember kids, Jesus hates a quitter.

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If I Were Dating Barack Obama, I Would So Be Breaking Up With Him Right Now

For the past few months, I have been, let's say "actively" pursued by the Barack Obama for President Campaign via email, snail mail and telephone. However, I’m not prepared to take the next step in our relationship, so I’ve sent him a Dear John letter to let him know that I no longer feel the same way. It is posted below for your reference/amusement.

It’s not you, Barack, it’s me. I’m just not ready for this kind of commitment. At first I thought it was sweet that you emailed me every day. It really showed that you cared, which was definitely new for me. I hardly ever heard from Al when we were together, and Hillary only ever has her hand out. I *really* thought that we had something special, but then things changed. All of the sudden, I was getting 3 or 4 emails from you a day. Plus, you invited me to dinner and then reneged. How was that supposed to make me feel?!?!! You probably don't even realize just how callous it was to have your intern ring me to see if I would be attending the fundraiser you had invited me to. But the final straw was that letter I got from your wife telling me that you were a family man, and that, given the chance, she knew that you could make a huge difference in my life. Now, I've had some weird relationships, but this takes the cake. Why would you even bring her into this???!?!!

I just think that, at this time, it is best for us to go our separate ways. I really like you and want great things for you, but we’re no good together. Let’s just try to be friends. The kind that never ever contact each other.

PHOTO: I know it's sad Barack, but let's just try to remember the good times. And the fact that if you call me again, I will get a restraining order.

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Quote of the Day

"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take."
- Adlai Stevenson

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Dear White Woman Walking in Front of Me: I Currently Have No Plans to Mug You

I know we live in a dangerous world, which is why I want to assure you that I have no intention of trying to burgle you. Sadly, I am afraid that you’ve already been robbed by the man in Chinatown who sold you the Hermes knockoff you are clutching so desperately. Genuine leather? I don’t think so.

While your frequent and furtive glances have been flattering, I must admit that they have been in vain. After all, I’d hate to ruin a perfectly good suit by attempting to evade the police. Plus, I’ve been your neighbor for almost a year now, so it would be silly for me to rob you, as you know where I live.

No worries, though – I totally understand how you feel. Every time I see a white person, I silently shudder and hope that they are not falsely inflating the profits from my pension fund in order to garner a higher year-end bonus. Have a nice day though.

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I'm a Slacker, but Then Again, You Already Knew That

Sorry I haven't been posting kids... I had a bit of a "blocking" issue, but it has now been resolved. Stay tuned for my latest article on alternative uses for adult diapers.

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

I Am Going Through Starter Wife Withdrawal

Thank god it's on tonight because I’m jonesing pretty bad. In the meantime, I recapped Gigi, which, despite being set in early 1900s and made in 1958, is just about the raciest thing you’ll ever see on Turner Classic Films. It was of my all-time favorites in childhood, mainly because it is the olden-day equivalent of Showgirls. And on with the show!

Hmm, is listed with 4-star review – viewer wonders why there hasn’t been a remake of the film yet. Movie is set in Paris and opens with horny old man looking at schoolkids, singing “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” (ah, yes, I see now!).

Horny old man is uncle to young rich man who is friends with his poor cousin who is grandmother to beautiful young girl. Young rich man treats beautiful young girl like sister, constantly brings her treats, while grandmother and great aunt, both former women of the night, scheme to turn beautiful young girl into sophisticated woman, rich young man into rich young lover, main jewelry provider. That’s right. Not husband, lover. God, I love the French. Second best quote in the film is by great aunt: “Wait for the first class jewels, Gigi. Hold on to your ideals.”

Rich young man tells horny old man that everything bores him, except friendship with grandmother, beautiful young girl. Horny old man says he and young rich man need to get laid. Rich young man goes to see current mistress, discovers she is sleeping with an even younger skating instructor that rich young man paid for. Rich young man pays younger skating instructor to leave current mistress, dumps current mistress (who later attempts suicide), and throws several “gay” parties to forget the whole incident. Once again, god I love the French.

Everyone goes to the beach, where grandmother reminisces with horny old man, her first lover who later cheated on her. Best quote in the film from horny old man: “I was so much in love with you I wanted to marry you….I had to do something, and what I did was the soprano!”

Beautiful young girl begins to dress/act like young woman. Rich young man mocks transformation, he and beautiful young girl fight, but he later apologizes, asks grandmother if beautiful young girl can be his lover. Grandmother, great aunt and rich young man go to attorney, draw up a contract for relationship (not making this up), and tell beautiful young girl, who declines the offer. Beautiful young girl later reconsiders, goes out with rich young man, only to have rich young man drag her home, where he asks grandmother for beautiful young girl's hand in marriage. Viewer calls bullshit.

PHOTO: The French have this tricky way of making you *want* to become a prostitute. I think the it's something they put in the wine.

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Let's Get Political

Folks, I am proud to announce that I have decided to join the blog roll to elect Fred Thompson. Now, I know you’re a bit surprised by this, but I feel strongly that, with our help, this man can do amazing things for this great land of ours.

......Wait, I just realized that he is running for the President of the United States! I just thought I was supporting his bid to be re-elected as District Attorney for New York County! Forget what I said earlier.

As a side note, how come when Republican actors run for President, they are taken seriously (and often elected – think Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger). For once, I would just like to see someone like Ellen DeGeneres or Montell Williams run – you know, someone who could actually *do* some good.

Prediction: In five years, Dr. Phil will run for Supreme Dictator of the Universe and win.

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Quote of the Day

I always wanted a happy ending... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.
-Gilda Radner

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My Blog is Broken

I am having a hard time posting blogs, but I've not forgotten about you, dear reader. Please check back in a few hours about my expose on edible underwear.

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The Amount You Have to Pay Someone to Sit in Shit Has Officially Been Quantified

In a move destined to change the world of discount travel forever, customer service agents at two major travel outlets successfully quantified the cost of exposing travelers to human excrement. Passengers on a recent Continental flight received $500 in flight vouchers for being subjected to overflowing toilets on a seven-hour flight, along with “our most sincerest promise to never do it again,” says David Grizzle, SVP of Customer Experience. In spite of this, flight attendants continued with meal/beverage service, whilst simultaneously cautioning passengers not to eat/drink too much, less they need to use the one functioning toilet on board for the over 200 passengers. Luckily, the plane was flying to New Jersey from Amsterdam, so it is estimated that at least 80% of the occupants were too stoned to notice. “It was just like being back at college,” said passenger Colin Brock. “Which is the main reason why I dropped out.”

In a separate yet related incident, a burst pipe led to a family's cruise cabin being soaked in raw sewage on day two of a seven-day cruise. After they complained, the cruise line did *attempt* to clean the mess, but "it was just too gross," said Mary Rimera, Head Maid for the cruise ship. "It really smelled... we gave up after it started to stain our towels." Cruise ship operator Holland America Lines declined to let the family move to another room, but gave each member a credit of $150 (about a 5% discount on the cost of the trip) and a free case of amoebic dysentery as compensation.

While both companies are contrite about the mishaps, both chalk it up to extreme circumstances. “I don’t really understand what all of the fuss is about,” said Mr. Grizzle. “After all, nowhere in our passenger service contract do we promise a poop-free flight.”

PHOTO: In addition to their regular dinner service, customers on Continental flight 1970 received a complimentary round of antibiotics.

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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Cafeteria Update

I didn't go down for lunch today, and I just discovered that I missed shrimp. Cold jumbo shrimp with cocktail sauce, $3.50 for 8. I hate myself right now.

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What My Horoscope Should Have Said

Your desire to be right once again outweighs your desire to get laid, proving once and for all that, despite the fact that you watch the UFC and know what a flange is, you are, in fact, not *actually* a man.

Quote: My favorite fighter (but mostly because he's French-Canadian, and seems genuinely nice when he's not beating someone's head in), the amazing Georges St. Pierre.

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What I Spent on Breakfast at the Cafeteria Today That is (Mostly) Diet-Friendly

2 Egg whites, scrambled: $.80
2 Sausage patties: $1.20
Diet coke: $.80

This just proves that I am happy to forgo benefits if you offer me discounted food.

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Quote of the Day

I really detest movies like Indecent Proposal and Pretty Woman because they send a message to women that sleeping with a rich man is the ultimate goal and really that's such a small part of it.

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CORRECTION: Martin Sheen Thinks that Only I am an Idiot

Apparently, the article "Martin Sheen Thinks We are All Idiots" was not *completely* factual -- Martin Sheen knows we know that his son is a recovering drug-aholic. Thanks to Commenter Free Range Christian, who pointed out that the actual ABC News report did show photos of Charlie Sheen in the background while Martin Sheen talked about how drug courts had helped to rehabilitate someone "near and very dear to us". This leads me to two very startling conclusions:

  1. Apparently, there are people out there who still watch TV news (do they not have DSL?).
  2. Someone other than my friends reads my site.

I apologize for the inconvenience, and remind all readers that, given my nature, it is best not to rely on this website as your sole news source. I thank you for reading.

PHOTO: If I buy you flowers and a pillow(?), will you forgive me?

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Quote of the Day:

"My therapist said that I was afraid of success. Which may be true because i have a feeling that realizing my full potential would *really* cut into my sittin' around time."

-Maria Bamford

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I Watch 'The Starter Wife' so that You Don't Have To

Hour Four: Opens with a dream sequence – Woman on beach, makes out with Man 2, while viewer questions Woman's ability to pull off that bathing suit. Woman rats out Man 2’s murderous ways to cops while Man 2 tries to stop Friend 2 from driving drunk. Friend 2 eludes him, then crashes car into pole, opts for plastic surgeon instead of rehab. Cops arrest Man 2 for murdering Man 1, and Woman alibis him, but cops think she is insane, viewer agrees. Woman is confronted by Man 1, who is not dead, but trying to fake his suicide (possibly to get away from this group of freaks). Man 1 gives Woman a suicide note to clear Man 2 which Woman then gives to cops, who still think she is insane (viewer still agrees). With help of token black Friend 3, Token gay Friend 4 sells ugly chairs to Woman's Husband’s token popstar girlfriend in token subplot of the week. In implausible subplot of the week, Friend 1 takes back cheating Husband 2 after only about a minute of fighting, but bones up on cheater reading material (E.G. Men: Can't Live With Them, Can't Shoot Them in the Face), while Woman's Husband is named head of studio. Man 2 is released from jail, and he and Woman make hot homeless love. Token black Friend 3's sassy grandma declares "I ain't ever leavin'." Neither are we, sassy black grandma. Neither are we.

This Friday's Recap: Hour Five. AKA 'St. Anne's was closed, so I effed her for a hot shower and a meal.'

PHOTO: Homeless never looked this good.

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Martin Sheen Thinks We Are All Idiots

I love this article -- it basically is Martin Sheen talking about how Congress should fund drug courts, which provide alternative punishment to prison for drug offenders, as they have helped "save" his "friend." Does this "friend" have a name? Perhaps it's the "friend" of yours who accidentally shot his girlfriend Kelly Preston, or the one that Heidi Fleiss offered a volume discount to? Could it be that "friend" of yours that has reportedly slept with over 5,000 women, or the one that was expelled from high school a few weeks before graduation? The possibilities boggle the mind.

PHOTO: Hmm, if only there were some sort of photographic hint ...

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Poem of the Day

Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiousity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
-Dorothy Parker

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Monday, June 18, 2007

God Refused Service at Payless, Considers Smiting

Retail Giant Payless Shoe Source has been said to be bracing itself for a smiting from the Lord God Almighty after denying him service at one of their locations; an action which could result in the closure of one or more of its discount stores. "We don't actually *know* what is going to happen," said Matthew E. Rubel, Chief Executive Officer and President of Payless Corporation, "but we're preparing for the worst."

God, or "The Creator" as he's known to friends, entered the store in Merrillville, Indiana at about 1 p.m. Thursday, and asked two employees for socks and slippers. The slippers were not in stock, but the employees gave The Supreme Being the socks he was looking for, with a complimentary dose of attitude. The situation continued to escalate when The Holiest Member of the Trinity tried to leave with the socks, only to be arrested by the police and charged with two counts of attempted robbery, two counts of criminal confinement and intimidation charges. He was later released when it was discovered that, despite appearing in corporeal form, he was, in fact, The Divine Being.

God was unavailable for comment, but in a press conference earlier today at the Vatican, St. Peter, the Media Relations Director for Heaven, had this to say: "It is unfortunate what has occurred -- God is calling it his "Oprah" moment. However, Payless has nothing to fear, as ours is a kind and gentle savior. He is currently considering several 'alternative' methods of punishment, but isn't ready to commit to any one thing right now ... Let's just say if none of the parties involved are able to get a home equity loan under 15%, I wouldn't be a bit surprised."

PHOTO: St. Peter has said that this incident has helped God to understand "why Oprah is always bitching about the f**king Hermes incident." He says in the future, he will consider taking his business elsewhere, saying that "Ninewest's Spring Collection is to die for."

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I Wish I Were Clever Enough to Have Thought of This First

My new favorite blog? Surprisingly, not my own. It's Gay or Jersey? The question I've been asking myself for over a decade now.

That's not the reason it's won my heart, though -- it's this photo. This photo that reminds me of why I started eating at Burger King again and got rid of that pesky end table.

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Finance in Your Pants

Kudos to any man who can, under the guise of being amongst society's financial elite, write an article that manages to reveal him as a pedophilic sexual predator, misogynist, racist and overall giant tool.

I think the highlight of the article, for me, was:

"They’re probably my two favorite things in the world, women and loafers.... Note: My affinity for black and brown loafers does not quite carry over to their female counterparts."

No worries, friend, us brown loafers don't like you either.

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What I Would Have Spent on Lunch Today If I Weren't On A Diet

2 Hot Dogs: $1.20
Frozen custard with a make-your-own sundae toppings bar: $.50

Adios, Tasti-De-Lite. Suck it, Grey's Papaya.

QUOTE: I'm not sure how I feel about this sign, but you can't hate on $2 lunch.

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I Watch 'The Starter Wife' so that You Don't Have To

Week Two: Woman finds out from catty neighbors that Man 2 is homeless and confronts him, which leads to him admitting it over a lattes at Starbucks that she made him pay for (in change). (As an aside, if you learned that someone was homeless, wouldn't you offer to pay? Serious WTF.) Woman learns Man 1 is still missing and Husband is dating Britney Spears-type pop star. Husband 2 tries to pay off nanny that he slept with so that she won’t rat on him while Husband tapes it as evidence of blackmail. Friend 2 catches them in the act, threatens to deport nanny and dumps Husband 2. Woman busts Friend 1 out of rehab, reconnects with and consoles Friend 2 over cheating husband. Evidence found in death of Man 1 makes Woman think that Man 2 may have killed him. Gay Friend 4 fights off advances from former accountant who dumped him as a client for being too poor.

Next Week: Woman makes out with third man in as many hours. Seriously, this mini-series out-Thorn Birds anything I’ve seen in recent years. Richard Chamberlain has already contacted USA execs about possible romantic lead roles…

PHOTO: Debra Messing channels her pre-acting roots by playing a trampy whore to bust her friend out of rehab. I can only hope that one of you will do that for me someday.

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Yes, We Concede that You Can Live Forever If You Don’t Drink or Smoke

But honestly, why *would* you want to live like that? I’ll never know… Click here for his excuse.

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They Say the First Two Divorces Never Take

Sometimes, I get bored and I make up funny news. Sometimes I don’t have to. Special kudos has to go out to the man who tries to pick up his ex-wife at a wedding that he brought his girlfriend to.

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Quote of the Day

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

PHOTO: Yes, that’s right – it’s an ornament with Mitch Hedberg’s face on it. I just couldn’t resist. Apparently, neither could the Estate of Mitch Hedberg. Buy yours here.

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

OPINION: The Incessant Promotion of 'The Starter Wife' Has Led Me to Contemplate Suicide

This opinion brought to you by loyal Boredom Blog reader, Kevin "No, I am not that guy from the Counting Crows"

At first, I was intrigued by the show. After all, I am fascinated by rich people and love to laugh at their misfortunes. But then USA launched a relentless ad campaign four months before the show even aired! It got so bad that I stopped watching USA all together, which was hard, because I really like The 4400.

I thought that the boycott would be the end of my troubles. But then they stepped up their campaign and began cross-promoting on all of the NBC affiliates. And while I could give up the 4400, give up Law & Order, SVU *AND* Criminal Intent?!?!!! No freakin' way. I'm *still* smarting from the loss of Jerry Orbach.

The final blow was when Us Magazine said that Debra Messing was the next Lucille Ball. Give me a freaking break. Comparing Debra Messing to Lucille Ball because she has red hair and does physical comedy is like comparing Sandy Duncan to Sammy Davis Jr. because she is short and has a glass eye. The argument doesn't hold water.

It's beginning to seem like the only escape available to me is the sweet release of death. Sure, I know that it's only a mini-series that is slated to end in August, but when that giant gob face of Messing's is constantly staring you down, you begin to wonder if it is worth it to hold on.

PHOTO: Yeah, I don't think so. Matter of fact, the next person to compare Debra Messing to Lucille Ball wins a free punch in the throat.

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Scientists Find Direct Correlation Between Alzheimer's, Old People

Science has moved one step closer in the fight against Alzheimer's by identifying one of the most pervasive symptoms of the disease -- old age. "99% of the people that we treat are over the age of 65", said Dr. Marilyn S. Albert, past chair of Medical and Scientific Advisory Council for the Alzheimer's Association and lecturer at Johns Hopkins University. "We just can't ignore that kind of data."

Her recommendations? Avoid getting older. Dr. Albert advises that "the only guaranteed way to prevent the disease is to sell your soul to the devil for immortal youth."

Eternal damnation not an option? Try drinking. According to a recent study conducted by Vincenzo Solfrizzi, MD, PhD, drinking can help to slow the progression of Alzheimer's and dementia in the elderly. And while it cannot fully arrest the progression of these diseases, drinking has the added benefit of helping you to forget that you are about to lose your mind. "It's a win-win situation for everyone," says Dr. Solfrizzi.

PHOTO: Gena Rowlands' stirring performance in The Notebook shed light on the effects of Alzheimers, proving that being hospitalized for a degenerative mental illness doesn't in any way prevent you from getting your hair colored on a bi-monthly basis.

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ACLU, Jenny Craig Band Together to Launch 'Fatty Jeans', Foster Equality

In a historic partnership, ACLU and Jenny Craig introduced 'fatty jeans' this past Friday at Milano Fashion Summit. "We initially wanted to wait for New York Fashion Week," said Dorothy Ehrlich, Deputy Executive Director, ACLU. "But after reading the July issue of Vogue, I knew that this pressing issue couldn't wait." "Let's face it," said Cozette Phifer, who handles media relations for Jenny Craig. "We're in a desperate search for a gimmick. Have you seen the commercial with Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli? We'll try anything at this point." Designed to fit a fuller-figured woman, fatty jeans, like skinny jeans, cling to a woman's every curve, highlighting such lower-body imperfections as a fat ass or 'kankles'. "It's really about garnering respect for the full-sized community," said Ms. Erlich. "We're challenging perceptions here."

PHOTO: With the introduction of "fatty jeans", Large women everywhere will soon be able to join the likes of Kate Beckinsale, Beyonce and Angie Harmon in showing off such assets as a boyish figure, thunder thighs or linebacker shoulders.

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Quote of the Day

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

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Your comments validate my existence

Thank you to everyone who has posted comments -- I loved reading your opinions on The Starter Wife. Keep 'em coming!

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Friday, June 15, 2007

What I spent on Lunch Today at the Corporate Cafeteria

Gigantic make-your-own salad: $3.25
Diet coke: $.75
Medium Size Bowl of Blackbean Soup: $.65
Box of Junior Mints: $.60
Being able to afford to feed yourself on a temp's salary: Priceless

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What My Horoscope Should Have Said

Today, as part of your continuing search for truth and quest for meaning, you’ll ponder if the continued mislabeling of dressings on the salad bar by the cafeteria staff is the universe’s way of telling you that, while dieting, there’s no point in eating a salad if you are going to put ranch dressing on it.
PHOTO: Why doesn’t Jesus love me?

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Today's Wild Plan to Get a Job: Apply for a job on

With the sheer volume of postings and losers such as myself trolling it constantly in the hopes of finding a career (or at least the next series of meaningless tasks from which I will divorce myself emotionally and pray I don’t lose my soul), looking for jobs on is as pointless as playing the lottery. Yes, I know that for each job, *somebody* is eventually hired, but *somebody* wins Powerball every day too – it just ain’t ever been me.

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Advice from a Novice Audition Manager

I admit, I haven't been in this business long (okay, four days). But I do have some wisdom to impart. First, your headshot should *somewhat* resemble you. For instance, if in your headshot you look like Gretel, but in actuality you look like the witch that tried to eat her, you need to do something about that. Because eventually, we’re going to meet you in person, and we’re going to wonder what the hell you were thinking.
PHOTO: This is what I actually look like. Or pretty near it. It’s like a 72% resemblance.

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I Watch ‘The Starter Wife’ So That You Don’t Have To

Episode One: Woman is dropped by big-time Hollywood Husband. Woman goes insane after being outcast from all decent society, Friends 1, 2, 3 & 4 console her, then she begins faux-dating Husband’s Boss (Man 1), and lusting after Man 2 whom she meets on the beach. Friend 1 of Woman says she is going to Paris but instead goes to re-hab. Friend 2’s Husband (Husband 2) makes Friend 2 ostracize Woman, then cheats on her with babysitter. Friend 3 (a security guard that Woman befriends) loses apartment because of sassy black grandmother (all black people have one) and her dog. Friend 4 (Gay) loses design business because he bought ugly chairs for client who then refuses them. Man 1 goes missing..... Whew! Are you still with me? Now do you see why I didn't bother with names?!?!

Monday’s Recap of Episode Two: The plot thickens…
PHOTO: The Bible had fewer plot lines than this monstrosity. That I can’t stop watching.

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Quote of the Day:

Don't have sex [with men]. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

PHOTO: You had me at My Blue Heaven. You had me at My Blue Heaven.

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My friends surf the internet way more than I do

Lesley has found this little gem of a site for e-cards that I spent thirty minutes surfing around this morning. In honor of her, I am posting the card that she will undoubtedly be sending me in the near future.

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Oh, Absinthe – how we have missed ye!

According to this article, we may once again be allowed drink absinthe, as our forefathers did and their forefathers before them (and Adam on that one trip to Mexico). Apparently, one of the reasons it was outlawed was because of a man went on a killing jag after drinking two glasses of absinthe. What the authorities neglected to mention was that he had also had a sandwich. Oh, yes, and five liters of wine, six glasses of cognac, one coffee laced with brandy and two crème de menthes. We propose that it was not the absinthe, but rather the same insanity of mind that allowed him to mix cognac and crème de menthe that drove him to commit this atrocity, and rejoice as absinthe takes its rightful place – on my shelf and in my belly.

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You know about the yellow rose of Texas…

But have you ever heard about the blue people of Kentucky? Sure, this is probably fake, but am I any less freaked out? I think not.

PHOTO: The original cast of Blue Man Group.

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Today’s Word I Just Made Up That You Might Actually Use: D-lebrity

(pronounced DEE-le-bri-tee)
1) a D-list celebrity; 2) A person who is famous for no reason at all but nonetheless, constantly in the public eye; 3) A person whose shameless quest for fame both disconcerts and fascinates.
EX: I wish Paris Hilton and her delebrity friends would drop off the face of the earth.
PHOTO: Oh, Omarosa from the Apprentice: If I promise to miss you, will you just go away?

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Thank you …

To everyone who answered yesterday’s Reader’s Poll about teachers dating students. It turns out, it happens even more frequently than I originally thought, which, as you remember, was quite a lot. But what have we really learned from these vital statistics? In sum: Man with student = child molester. Woman with student = expanding her dating pool. I think I see a new online dating website coming …

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