Quote of the Day
Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
- Dr. Seuss
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
It's Business in the Front, Reggae in the Back
I saw a man on the train today who had, what can only be classified as a RastaMullet. Basically, the front part of his hair was shaved (almost to his skull) with what appeared to be shoulder-length dreads in the back (ironically, tied up in a bun). Weirdest part was, not only was he NOT homeless, he was wearing a really nice suit. Seriously, it felt like how it must have been when the upside of the Schwartz ring met the downside (Yes, I've never seen Star Wars, but I can quote the parody shamelessly. I refuse to apologize for being this cool). For the second time this week, I ask Why??!! Why would you do that!?!?!?! Shit or get off the pot -- either shave your head or grow dreads. Haven't the current presidential candidates taught you that you can't have everything??!?!! (Dammit, why aren't there any black women candidates?!?!!! It would make it so much easier to choose. I'm just saying. But I digress.) In sum: Dreads = cool if you wash them. Mullets = bad. Dread + Mullet = confused train passenger who wonders if you've ever been kicked out of a trailer park for smoking too much weed.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The Japanese Think of Everything, Don't They?
Imagine your hair is wet, and in need of rapid drying. Now, suppose you want to dry said hair whilst simultaneously pointing a gun to your head, all without shooting yourself accidentally. Good news -- you can now do it! Honestly, why would you buy this? Why? Perhaps you liked to be searched by the police at the airport. If you'd like, you can ride the subway with me.
Quote of the Day
You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who says it.
- Malcolm X
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
You, Dad! I Learned It By Watching You!
Let's face it. The reason you're here, the reason you're my friend, is because you read The New York Times. You also don't see what's the big deal about the MoveOn.org ad about General Petraeus. After all, it is STILL a free country, at least for the next week or so. Point being, you've probably already read this article that says the real drug addicts are not just teenagers, but the middle-aged. And, as my friend, this probably doesn't surprise you, because your years at NYU have taught you that a proper addiction, like a good wine, requires years of cultivation.
PHOTO: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions? Good, now pass the toast.
Prostitution: Not Just for Teenagers Anymore
My recent birthday has really caused me to think hard about my future, specifically what will happen to me when I am older. I guess my biggest fear is that one day my keen ability to consistently spend exactly how much I make will leave me without a pot to piss in, and, more importantly, no credit from which to lend against. Then I read this article, which reminded me that, no matter the age, there will always be money to be made for those who are willing to work for it. Whew! That takes a load off. I'm taking my 401(K) shopping!
Read More......I'm Not Too Proud to Steal Content from My Birthday Cards
My evil sister from Philly sent me a birthday card this year, and it is just another reminder of why I hate her so much: Because she's funnier than me. I've included most of it below, but parts of it, like Sally Field, have been censored for explicit(ly funny) content.
"So, in my 29th year, I've decided to turn over a new leaf, and only send birthday cards that arrive on time for the actual event. No more on-time(ish) cards, and no more cards that celebrate the one month anniversary of your most recent birthday. (At least no this year. As they say in AA, "Baby Steps." I think that applies here.) I don't want to pretend that I'm completely reformed, after all I found this card in my desk drawer, presumably the card I intended to send last year and just never got around to, so, in essence, this card, though the sentiment is new (I mean, that's if you can claim "Happy Birthday" as an "original" thought), the card itself is old and sort of on time, potentially early, even [ed. note: it was a day late].
You'll notice, though, that though I've decided to send birthday cards on time and so
selflessly, the message, meta-message, and logic is still completely self-absorbed. A duckingly does not become a swan overnight!
Shifting the focus to you... Happy Birthday!
Love, Ryan (and Michael)"
PHOTO: We like you. We really really like you. Cause you talked shit about the Iraq War on Fox. God, you've got balls.
Quote of the Day
Alright, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
- Dwight Schrute, The Office
Read More......
Thursday, September 13, 2007
83YO Man More Spry than Me. Why Are You Not Surprised?
An 83-year-old man, trapped under a flipped tractor, dug himself out using only his wits and a pocket knife. The extraordinary feat has been described by some as a 'life or death' situation, though, given his age, is probably more accurately classified as 'near death or death'.
On a side note, why am I not shocked that a man named Cockerham has eight children? Clearly we know which meat his wife prefers. Is it wrong to make jokes about an octegenarian? Perhaps, but it's why you like it.
PHOTO: Cockerham, pictured here with the offending tractor, says the incident only served to remind him of the giant mistake he made when he chose farming over opening a gourmet popcorn franchise. 'Madison still doesn't have access to delicious kettle corn, and I can't help but feel that I'm to blame."
Read More......
Fark: A Constant Source of News on Cute Animal Stories
As many of you know, I hate "real news". Mainly because I don't want a lot of "facts" bogging down my passionate, if not enlightened beliefs. Plus, like 99% of the shit that mainstream news covers is really fucking depressing. I mean, you do know that that AmyWinehouse chick is totally apeshit insane? It used to be, when I was a kid, not one year (NOT ONE YEAR!) went by without a story about some GD pup that traveled 300 miles back home after being lost on a trip. What I want to know is, why is this no longer newsworthy???!!! Can the puppies not find their way home anymore? Don't they know about the recent innovations in GPS technology??!!?!!
Anywho, the main reason I love the news aggregator Fark is because they are AWASH in these stories (though they occasionally do sneak a real story in once in a while -- bastards!). Finally, a welcome change to the daily update from the President and his lackies, which basically approximates to "Yes, we are still on a path to the region of world known as Hell. The transport vehicle remains a handbasket."
PHOTO: Sure, a pigeon and a monkey can fall in love, but where will they make a home?
Quote of the Day
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
- Ellen Degeneres
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Quote of the Day
The heights by great men reached and kept,
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they, while their companions slept,
Were toiling upward in the night.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
BMW Has Come Up with Alternative Ways for You to Blow Through Cash
I get the feeling that many of you, like me, cut your driving teeth in your mother's two-tone Ford Grenada, learning such important lessons as pumping the brakes (who can afford ABS?) and the open-door push to get the engine running. Good times.
However, times have changed, and you (well, maybe just Kevin) now drive a car that that doesn't need a two-minute warning before breaking, effectively throwing everything you know about driving out the window. Enter BMW's Driving School, where you can re-learn to drive using a sports car. Not just a re-hash of your high school's driver's ed cone negotiation skills, the course seeks to emulate real conditions (black ice and water walls), as well as the unreal (autocross and off-roading). Totally overpriced at nearly $3K, but if you're the type for whom driving is life, it may be worth the expense.
PHOTO: My brother resembled a black version of this man with his totally disinterested and slightly inebriated approach to driver's ed. However, credit needs to be given where it is due: He *WAS* the one to break me of the nasty habit I had of hitting walls and people.
Onion, You've Gone Too Far.
Seriously, most people know that I appreciate a good off-color joke (and have been the source of many currently in existence). The Onion is a special favorite of mine, however, this is too mean even for me. I would boycott them, but I'm too lazy, so I'll just forget to read their website for a few weeks. That'll show them.
BREAKING NEWS: Missing Girl Probably Raped
Quote of the Day
You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.
- Mary Pickford
Monday, September 3, 2007
Movie Review: Superbad -- Yet Another Movie that Doesn't Live Up to Its Name
Superbad is definitely one of those "lowbrow" movies that you pretend to hate despite the fact that it made you laugh so much you nearly (okay, actually) peed your pants a little. While full of the penis and va-jay-jay jokes that are so prevalent in high school flicks, the comedic timing of leads Jonah Hill and Michael Cera coupled with stellar performances by the supporting cast makes this the best thing going since American Pie. This one is not to miss -- just be sure to go see it alone, so later you can talk loudly around the water cooler about how you cannot believe this shit gets made when no one has even considered remaking such quality comedic programming as Maude.
Memorable Quotes:
Jules: You scratch our back and we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, the funny thing about my back, is that it's located on my cock.
Seth: Why don't you go pee your pants?
Greg the Soccer Player: That was like 8 years ago!
Seth: People don't forget!
Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.Becca: I'm so wet right now. Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in Health Class.
[To his teacher]
Seth: Look, we all know Home Ec. is a joke. No offense. It's just like everyone takes this class to get an A. It's bullshit, and I'm sorry. And I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't ever need to cook tiramisu. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I gonna be a chef? [pause] No. There's three weeks left in school - give me a fuckin' break. I'm sorry for cursing.
Today's Diet Stats
Smokes: 11
Drinks: 0
Exercise: None (Gym closed early -- I tried to go, really!)
Diet Sodas: 8 (Yes, I know. Shut up.)
Calorie Count: 720 so far today. I am trying to cut back to 1300 since I didn't go to the gym.
Quote of the Day
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
- Al Capone
Dead Lady Di is More Popular than Living Bush. Think Real Hard on That, Mr. President.
I swear to god, Princess Di is the British Elvis -- soon, we'll be hearing stories about how she used the car crash to escape the paparazzi and is living in Majorca with Biggie and Tupac (who used their public East/West Coast feud and "gangsta-style" murders to hide their deep-seated man love for one another).
However, this story is definitely in the running to be my all-time fave ... Basically, Princess Di told her hairdresser that Prince Charles "must be wearing beer goggles to have an affair with Camilla." He probably borrowed Lady Di's pair.
Quit While You're Behind
I think what I love most about the President is that I am frequently unable to immediately discern if certain articles written about him are satirical or not. By the way, in case you're counting, there's 1 year, 2 months and 1 day left. Viva 2009!
Read More......Sunday, September 2, 2007
My Friends Are Way Funnier Than You
I have this one friend who has just updated his website, which you need to check out, tout de suite. Why, you ask? Well, because never again will you be able to cruise the site of a person who, throughout his life, has turned his hair into a living tribute to some of the greatest African Americans (and Jewish people who resemble them) that ever lived, including Chris "Kid" Reid, Oscar Gamble and that guy from the Counting Crows.
PHOTO: Why, Kevin, I had no idea that you played for the Indians in the mid-70s. The things you learn about your friends when surfing the internet... I swear.
Quote of the Day
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
- Samuel Goldwyn
Today's Stats
Weight: 17 Stone (or a little more than 1/10th of a metric ton)
Height: 6'7" (give or take a foot)
Smokes: 10ish (do rehashes count?)
Drinks: 3 (Thank god for big glasses)
Exercise: Pilates (There's nothing funny about Pilates)
I Just Ate a 1500 calorie Burrito.
Sorry I've been gone for so long, kids, but I've been contemplating a huge shift in the blog, and wasn't sure how I wanted to get it started. See, I've been thinking that it might be beneficial for me (and humourous for you) if I started blogging about my dieting. However, I couldn't figure out how to get started. Until today, when I ate a 1500 calorie burrito. That's right -- almost an entire day's worth of calories in one sitting. The worst part is, it was delicious. And while learning the calorie count has made me seriously regret my decision to eat it, I cannot say that it has entirely turned me off of the experience all together. See, the reason I think people like me, the reason I often fail at diets, is because I'll try anything (stupid). Twice. Wish me luck!
PHOTO: This illustrious BKLYN taco joint is the Catra to my She-Ra.
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