Boredom Blog: 2007

Friday, December 14, 2007

Quote of the Day

I've learned from my mistakes and I'm sure I can repeat them exactly.
- Peter Cook

New Year’s – New Reasons to Drink

Hello Kiddies – don’t forget I’m having a New Year’s party. If you know where I live, you’re invited. If you don’t, well, just forget that I mentioned this. I must be getting confused in my old age!

I am physically incapable of NOT spilling salsa on myself.

I just cannot NOT do it. It’s almost like a secret special skill I have. My mother used to tell me that everything happens for a reason, so one day, there will probably be a bomb in my office building somewhere, and the only way to stop it from detonating would will be by placing a piece of my tomato-stained poly-cotton blend dress over it. But until then, I just look like a clumsy jackass.

PHOTO: Apparently, this problem is not that uncommon.

I Write the Songs that Make the Whole World Glad I Don't Write Songs More Often

I've been listening to HitKast on the web radio Accuradio now for a few months, and I've realized that I know a freakish amount of songs. Let me rephrase that -- a ridiculous amount of "mainstream pop songs written mainly for the 12 - 17 year-old set." The realization came when, as I was humming along to a particular favorite, one of my co-workers walked by and was all like, "My youngest loves that song -- she was mad when they banned it from playing at her sixth grade dance." Um, yeah... good times. Never fear, though, as I am currently working on developing a more "mature" palate. Perhaps something along the lines of My Chemical Romance or Blue October. Baby steps, people -- I have to walk before I can speed walk (um, yeah, I'm not built for running).

PHOTO: If my musical maturation goes as planned, I will soon evolve a cult-like adoration for the lyrical stylings of that international chanteuse, a one Ms. Miley Cyrus.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

All My Brother Wants for Christmas is an X-Box and a Dream

When I asked my brother Jason what he wanted for Christmas, he replied: "Call of Duty 4 for XBOX 360 and a powerball lottery ticket from the dingiest convenience store in north jersey (take pepper spray)."

The real question is, who will go to that part of Jersey for me? Post your reply in comments. I'd do it myself if not for my natural proclivity for being mugged while in that fine state.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Quote of the Day

That proves you are unusual, returned the Scarecrow; and I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.
- The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, L. Frank Baum

God is trying to tell me something.

Every once in a great blue moon, God tries to give me advance warning that I’m about to do something stupid. Like that time when I lived in Jersey City, and spent twenty minutes one morning hunting around for a pair of flip flops to wear to work (god I miss college. And non-profits). Apparently, that was his way of saying “these shoes will not provide you sufficient traction to a) avoid falling down a flight of stairs OR b) evade a mugger.” Unfortunately, I did not heed this warning; with disastrous results (The biggest insult was the mugger was openly upset that I only had $2 and no credit cards – um, hello, I live in Jersey City! I don’t pay $400 a month for rent so I can stockpile cash in my 401(K)… I’m poor, Jackass!).

God tried to warn me again recently when I recently got new cell phone (which I named Meinie) … However, he chose to do it through Sprint, which despite being a major telecom company, is not the best way to get a message across. Disguising himself as a text from Sprint, God asked me if I wanted to back up the phone book I had just inputted into the phone. I chuckled, and cockily (stop laughing, Jeff) clicked no. Then I did it five more times (I’ll say this much for God. He’s persistent). After all, why would I pay money for something that I can just do myself (I know, it doesn’t even sound like something I’d say, does it)?

Then my new phone Meinie died – well, it actually didn’t die, but the talk button stopped working, and when the talk button on your cell phone doesn’t work, you basically just have a beeper. Since I wasn’t a mid-90s drug dealer, I decided to do something about it (I know, that doesn’t sound like me either). As a side note, I fully expected the good people at the Sprint Store to make me pay for a brand-new handset, especially since, when I gave it to the technician, she snottily alluded to user error, which is not covered under the warranty. And, though I spent the 10 minutes I was in the store trying to mentally crush her head with my two fingers, I didn’t say anything, and waited to see how it played out (Now that definitely doesn’t sound like me). Turns out, it was a faulty device, and they gave me a new phone free of charge. I know – I was shocked too.

Sadly, my original phone Meenie, who courageously held out during the entire debacle, decided to completely die moments after I turned in the new one (Meinie) for the new-new one (Moe), and now I have lost my entire phone book. Sadly, this story doesn’t have a point or a moral, as, when I was inputting numbers into Moe (do you get it yet?) and was asked if I wanted to back up, I still selected no. But this time, I wrote the numbers down. Take that, God. My house is going to burn down now, isn’t it? You are a clever one.

PHOTO: "Hello, this is Jesus. Is Erin there? Yes, I'll hold...."

World's Emotionally Strongest (And Most Spiteful) Woman

The other night, I arm wrestled a friend at Valhalla on 9th & 53rd (Yeah, I know, but what else is there to do in bars in midtown? After all I cannot, in good conscience, date a guy who wears a tie on Saturday and isn't a waiter. I just wasn't brought up that way).

Anyway, even though I have always had freakish upper body strength (mainly because I'm so lazy that I'd rather carry 50lbs of dirty underwear to the laundromat than go more than once a month), when I beat her, she said, "Of course you won. I'm like 1/5 your size." Wow. I'll be honest -- though I love to joke about others and try to be a good sport when the spotlight is turned on me (for the most part. Um, sometimes. Okay, rarely), I am still reeling from that comment. Mainly because she's more like 3/5 of my size, and I hate people who aren't good at fractions. But also because it was a little hurtful. (As a side note, I will never make fun of people who buy overpriced cookies again. At least, not for the rest of the year.)

However, I am a little glad it happened. Because now I have the motivation to lose a shit-ton of weight so that we can have a rematch. And when I beat her next time (and I *WILL* beat her next time), she'll only have only her inability to properly smack-talk and mediocre arm-strength to blame. After all, the one thing I enjoy more than eating is winning. And though I prefer to cheat, I think this time I'll do it fair and square. That'll really shut ol' 20% up.

PHOTO: If you are going to do a Google Image Search for the movie "Over the Top" at work, be sure that your Moderate Safe-Search is on. Live and learn.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

New Orleans is way Cooler Than Blogging

Sorry that I've been on hiatus again kids -- I am preparing for a big work trip to the Big Easy. Let's hope the event takes a cue from this....

Wish me luck! Back in December....

Friday, November 16, 2007

Your Laughter Does Not Amuse Me

I recently went to see a live taping (yes, I know -- why must I have so many literary friends who taunt my turn of phrase?!?!) of a Comedy Central special for Mike Birbiglia. For those of you who follow comedy, he's the Olive Garden Italian. For those of you who don't, he's ...um, yeah, I've got nothing. He *IS* a very good stand up comedian though, and, for my money, his secret public journal is the highlight of my week. Every week. God, I need a man. But I digress. Mike was, as ever, hilarious, and, though he rehashed bits form old acts, he had the great good taste (stop it! You can too say that!) to put a new twist on it (My favorite line was "Kenny G., even I don't like your music. And I'm your friend. This is an intervention").

None of this matters though, because I had the good bad luck of being sat next to the annoying laughter girl (Let's call her ALG, which is coincidentally also the sound my body made after a particularly bad bout of her giggles prompted a wave of dry heaves). Actually, I guess it's not fair to call her laugh annoying. Positively and disgustingly wretched is much more accurate. Or even a triple threat of maniacal laughter mixed with a machine gun richochet and just a soupcon of wheezing that really just tied the whole package together. If they had sent this girl to Iraq, Saddam would have come running out of his cave, begging for a landmine to step on. The whole time I just kept thinking, "Seriously, God? You sat me next to this person? What did I ever do to you???? Oh, yes, I remember now...."

In the end, despite my pounding headache and clenched fists, I did feel sorry for her, because there is NO way that she can be oblivious to just how completely annoying her verbal shrapnel of a laugh can be. I just hope that she can one day find happiness with someone with a man who truly loves her as she is -- and is physically incapable of making humorous comments. After all, he may love her, but why should the rest of us suffer?

PHOTO: One day my maniacal laughter and BFA from Tisch shall allow me to overthrow Castle Grayskull and rule all of Eternia! Until then, you can catch me on the night shift at McDonald's on Broadway.

Quote of the Day

Let me say this as clearly as I can: No matter how sharp a grievance or how deep a hurt, there is no justification for killing innocents.
-William J. Clinton

We all have a friend who's adamantly not a hipster.

I think everyone one of the friends you have in life play a role. For instance, my friend Whitney's role is to ensure that I never drown in a pool of my own vomit. You're doing a great job, Whit! That near-miss last weekend really underscored just how valuable your friendship is to me.

But sometimes, the niche friends fill is not because of what they are, but rather, what they aren't. For instance, my other friend, Daniela, is not, I repeat NOT, a hipster. However, she is an amazing writer and an even better artist and blogger. So you should check out her blog -- especially if you still dream of the Playa, and were into that whole alternative culture thing way before it was even cool.

PHOTO: Daniela springs from awesomeness -- her dad even makes his own greeting cards (including this one). All my dad ever made were license plates.

It's one thing to have a blog. It's a whole other to update it regularly.

Dearest reader,

Please don't take my recent hiatuses (or is it hiati?) Hiates?) as a sign that I don't love you. No, I'd prefer it if you'd let my total inability to return your call in a timely manner speak to that issue.

The fact is, I've been incredibly busy at work, um, I'd like to say working. Mostly working. Mainly working. A moderate amount of work has been known to happen in the area around my desk. Um, yeah. Anywho, I know I said I would never blog about my job, but it does rock for a wide variety of reasons, and I'm quite glad to be there.

I wish I could say the same for blogging. Truly, coming up with something funny every day (um, week) has been one of the greatest challenges of this unwieldly beast that is Boredom Blog. I never (maybe never is a little too strong -- how about hardly ever. Um, Rarely. Less than often. Perfect) want to put out something half-ass (okay, I admit half-ass is sort of de rigeur with me, so let's say quarter-assed), because I don't want to subject you to just another page of unwitty dialogue that you're forced to read because you're afraid I'll quiz you on it later (FYI, that was a hint for the New Year's Party -- be sure to bone up!).

Anyway, because I promise you the reader the freshest (or, at least not pickled) content, I must occasionally take breaks to recuperate, and tend to the other parts of my life (like checking out the talent in the Flatiron District, or catching up on my DVR backlog of Designing Women). I hope you understand ... After all, you've always been my favorite. Don't tell the others.

Love and other indoor sports,

Erin Elvi Slives

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Ode to a Three-Hour Meeting

Boredom, my dearest friend
Tis no great shock to see you again
Like relatives, the smell of fish
You tend to linger (against my wish)
Were there a lawyer who specialized
In divorcing our life-long ties
His retainer I would gladly pay
For but my freedom, an execution stay
Sadly, though, he does not exist
And so there you are, and will persist.

Quote of the Day

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.
-Margaret Thatcher

Presidential Voting for Dummies

Maybe you're like me in feeling that, now that Stephen Colbert is no longer running for President, you have no f*cking clue who you're going to vote for. And, while it's fun to dig through the nonsensical rhetoric on each candidate's website and watch endless debates, you cannot help but wonder if there's an easier way.

Good news, friend, there is. Glassbooth.org cuts through the bullshit and tells you who to vote for -- think of it as EHarmony for Politics (though slightly less racist and/or homophobic). Simply enter the criterion that is important to you (marriage for gays: yes, guns for babies: no) and the website spits back the perfect candidate for you (Grandpa Mike Gravel). Who knew being a responsible American citizen could be so easy?

PHOTO: Who is this Ron Paul person, anyway? And why am I so scared???

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

NEWSFLASH: My Unofficial Boycott of The Onion is Officially Over.

If you've been reading the Boredom Blog with any sort of regularity, you may remember that I've been boycotting The Onion because of their, um.... Wait, it'll come to me....Yeah, I forget. I'm currently boycotting about 16 things right now, so it's hard to keep them all straight (Which reminds me, do any of you remember why I'm not calling my mother? Please post in comments). Sadly, I'm not together enough to put together any kind of formalized thing, so I decided to forget to read the site to show them *just* how angry I am. My initial goal was one month, but diligence (and early-onset of Alzheimer's) allowed me to go strong for over six weeks.

Anywho, I finally broke down today to check my horoscope, and boy, was I glad I did, as they advised that I shouldn't "be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future."

Luckily for me, this was not 100% accurate -- she used dental floss instead (I think because it doesn't fray as much). However, I knew it was coming, and had the foresite to stick my glock in my handbag beforehand. Needless to say, that'll be the last time that hygenist screws with me.

PHOTO: Whatcha gonna do when this b*tch comes for you?

Quote of the Day -- Halloween Edition

Hold on, man. We don't go anywhere with 'scary', 'spooky', 'haunted', or 'forbidden' in the title.
— Shaggy, Scooby-Doo

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Today in Stupid Ways to Spend Your Money

Perhaps you've just been cast as Puck in your local community theatre and/or prison's production of Midsummer's Night Dream. And, while you feel confident that your acting will convince everyone that you are a devilish sprite (except maybe your father, who stopped believing your theatrical abilities shortly after you moved back home because you could no longer afford the Y), you want to seal the deal. Good news! You can now get your ears surgically altered to be the perfect accoutrement to your fairie costume. The added bonus being you'll also hear better. Um, yeah. Tonight, I had the choice of going to the gym, or updating you on the latest elfin body mod. And you're welcome.

Quote of the Day

Idealism is fine; but as it approaches reality, it becomes cost prohibitive.
- William F. Buckley Jr.

I Need Your Validation, Erm, Vote.

While it was funny at first that no one voted voted in my "Why Don't You Vote in My Polls" poll (despite record high traffic levels to my site), now it's just sad. So while I appreciate your ironic tendencies (so clever, you are!), please stop being funny and start participating (whew, think I just flashed back to 2nd grade math class. And 11th grade remedial English).

POLL: Don't you like my polls? Answer in comments (if you dare).

Monday, October 29, 2007

I am the Antidote to a Satisfying Personal Relationship

This weekend I discovered what is wrong with my dating skills. I’m like the Groucho Marx of dating -- I don’t want to be with anyone who’d have me as a girlfriend. To achieve this, I only pick quirky guys who wouldn’t possibly be attracted to me, which then allows for the perfect relationship conundrum. Either they politely avoid me until the restraining order comes through, or decide to date me in a fit of desperation (much like the ones that has kept Jerry Springer in two houses and a villa in Spain these many years). However I have a tendency to punish the latter’s severe lapse in good judgment by obsessing about the quirks that initially drew them to me to them, and eventually, the constant lateness, inability to eat yellow cheese, or odd tendency to bounce when walking (sadly, all real examples) slowly (well, it seems like an eternity, but is usually 2 – 3 weeks) drives me to dumping the person that my mother is convinced is my last chance at happiness.

Because of this, breaking up has always been a relief (and often, quite the highlight of a relationship) for me. Mainly because I then go back to watching Hope Floats on loop and eating Nutella straight from the jar. Okay, I never really stopped, but it is nice to have an excuse to do it.

PHOTO: Even the Evangelicals have given up on me. Oddly enough, I feel very appreciative.

Quote of the Day

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Friday, October 26, 2007

Two Things I Appreciate Most About My Friends: Their Loyalty & Ability to Drink Large Quantities of Liquor in One Sitting

Today I checked my blog stats, which should be a piteous zero, considering that I haven't written anything in the past, um, month. Shockingly, though, there has been a consistent group of people who have been checking the website, seemingly everyday, for updates. And it reminded me that the thing I like most about all of you is your refusal to give up on me, no matter how hopeless the situation may seem. So thanks for the support, kids. You're the reason I got into this business in the first place. Well, that, and for the chicks.

Quote of the Day

I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
- Demetri Martin

Colbert Polling in Front of Kucinich: I Know of One Pres. Candidate Contemplating Suicide

Sometimes, real life is so funny that I don't need to waste my time trying to make it funnier. But my constant strivings towards total inanity still demand that I try.

Stephen Colbert's fake Presidential Campaign (for South Carolina) has him polling in front of Dennis Kucinich, according to the Washington Post. And while this is incredibly funny for most (though sad for others with predelictions for people who treat their pockets as mini-Mary Poppins carpet bags), I cannot help but think that this campaign is also a sad reminder that American Politics are truly a joke, and we citizens no longer care that we're the punchline. That being said, I'm still voting Colbert/Craig in 2008!

Diet Stats

Weight: 16.64 Stone (Hmm, I suck at this, eh?)
Smokes: 2ish (It was really 7, but they were lights, so they only had enough tobacco for 2 real cigarettes)
Drinks: 3 (But I haven't had lunch yet)
Exercise: Sure, why not?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Quote of the Day

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
- Dr. Seuss

It's Business in the Front, Reggae in the Back

I saw a man on the train today who had, what can only be classified as a RastaMullet. Basically, the front part of his hair was shaved (almost to his skull) with what appeared to be shoulder-length dreads in the back (ironically, tied up in a bun). Weirdest part was, not only was he NOT homeless, he was wearing a really nice suit. Seriously, it felt like how it must have been when the upside of the Schwartz ring met the downside (Yes, I've never seen Star Wars, but I can quote the parody shamelessly. I refuse to apologize for being this cool). For the second time this week, I ask Why??!! Why would you do that!?!?!?! Shit or get off the pot -- either shave your head or grow dreads. Haven't the current presidential candidates taught you that you can't have everything??!?!! (Dammit, why aren't there any black women candidates?!?!!! It would make it so much easier to choose. I'm just saying. But I digress.) In sum: Dreads = cool if you wash them. Mullets = bad. Dread + Mullet = confused train passenger who wonders if you've ever been kicked out of a trailer park for smoking too much weed.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Japanese Think of Everything, Don't They?

Imagine your hair is wet, and in need of rapid drying. Now, suppose you want to dry said hair whilst simultaneously pointing a gun to your head, all without shooting yourself accidentally. Good news -- you can now do it! Honestly, why would you buy this? Why? Perhaps you liked to be searched by the police at the airport. If you'd like, you can ride the subway with me.

Quote of the Day

You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who says it.
- Malcolm X

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

You, Dad! I Learned It By Watching You!

Let's face it. The reason you're here, the reason you're my friend, is because you read The New York Times. You also don't see what's the big deal about the MoveOn.org ad about General Petraeus. After all, it is STILL a free country, at least for the next week or so. Point being, you've probably already read this article that says the real drug addicts are not just teenagers, but the middle-aged. And, as my friend, this probably doesn't surprise you, because your years at NYU have taught you that a proper addiction, like a good wine, requires years of cultivation.

PHOTO: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions? Good, now pass the toast.

Prostitution: Not Just for Teenagers Anymore

My recent birthday has really caused me to think hard about my future, specifically what will happen to me when I am older. I guess my biggest fear is that one day my keen ability to consistently spend exactly how much I make will leave me without a pot to piss in, and, more importantly, no credit from which to lend against. Then I read this article, which reminded me that, no matter the age, there will always be money to be made for those who are willing to work for it. Whew! That takes a load off. I'm taking my 401(K) shopping!

I'm Not Too Proud to Steal Content from My Birthday Cards

My evil sister from Philly sent me a birthday card this year, and it is just another reminder of why I hate her so much: Because she's funnier than me. I've included most of it below, but parts of it, like Sally Field, have been censored for explicit(ly funny) content.

"So, in my 29th year, I've decided to turn over a new leaf, and only send birthday cards that arrive on time for the actual event. No more on-time(ish) cards, and no more cards that celebrate the one month anniversary of your most recent birthday. (At least no this year. As they say in AA, "Baby Steps." I think that applies here.) I don't want to pretend that I'm completely reformed, after all I found this card in my desk drawer, presumably the card I intended to send last year and just never got around to, so, in essence, this card, though the sentiment is new (I mean, that's if you can claim "Happy Birthday" as an "original" thought), the card itself is old and sort of on time, potentially early, even [ed. note: it was a day late].

You'll notice, though, that though I've decided to send birthday cards on time and so
selflessly, the message, meta-message, and logic is still completely self-absorbed. A duckingly does not become a swan overnight!

Shifting the focus to you... Happy Birthday!
Love, Ryan (and Michael)"

PHOTO: We like you. We really really like you. Cause you talked shit about the Iraq War on Fox. God, you've got balls.

Quote of the Day

Alright, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.

- Dwight Schrute, The Office

Thursday, September 13, 2007

83YO Man More Spry than Me. Why Are You Not Surprised?

An 83-year-old man, trapped under a flipped tractor, dug himself out using only his wits and a pocket knife. The extraordinary feat has been described by some as a 'life or death' situation, though, given his age, is probably more accurately classified as 'near death or death'.

On a side note, why am I not shocked that a man named Cockerham has eight children? Clearly we know which meat his wife prefers. Is it wrong to make jokes about an octegenarian? Perhaps, but it's why you like it.

PHOTO: Cockerham, pictured here with the offending tractor, says the incident only served to remind him of the giant mistake he made when he chose farming over opening a gourmet popcorn franchise. 'Madison still doesn't have access to delicious kettle corn, and I can't help but feel that I'm to blame."

Fark: A Constant Source of News on Cute Animal Stories

As many of you know, I hate "real news". Mainly because I don't want a lot of "facts" bogging down my passionate, if not enlightened beliefs. Plus, like 99% of the shit that mainstream news covers is really fucking depressing. I mean, you do know that that AmyWinehouse chick is totally apeshit insane? It used to be, when I was a kid, not one year (NOT ONE YEAR!) went by without a story about some GD pup that traveled 300 miles back home after being lost on a trip. What I want to know is, why is this no longer newsworthy???!!! Can the puppies not find their way home anymore? Don't they know about the recent innovations in GPS technology??!!?!!

Anywho, the main reason I love the news aggregator Fark is because they are AWASH in these stories (though they occasionally do sneak a real story in once in a while -- bastards!). Finally, a welcome change to the daily update from the President and his lackies, which basically approximates to "Yes, we are still on a path to the region of world known as Hell. The transport vehicle remains a handbasket."

PHOTO: Sure, a pigeon and a monkey can fall in love, but where will they make a home?

Quote of the Day

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
- Ellen Degeneres

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Quote of the Day

The heights by great men reached and kept,
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they, while their companions slept,
Were toiling upward in the night.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

BMW Has Come Up with Alternative Ways for You to Blow Through Cash

I get the feeling that many of you, like me, cut your driving teeth in your mother's two-tone Ford Grenada, learning such important lessons as pumping the brakes (who can afford ABS?) and the open-door push to get the engine running. Good times.

However, times have changed, and you (well, maybe just Kevin) now drive a car that that doesn't need a two-minute warning before breaking, effectively throwing everything you know about driving out the window. Enter BMW's Driving School, where you can re-learn to drive using a sports car. Not just a re-hash of your high school's driver's ed cone negotiation skills, the course seeks to emulate real conditions (black ice and water walls), as well as the unreal (autocross and off-roading). Totally overpriced at nearly $3K, but if you're the type for whom driving is life, it may be worth the expense.

PHOTO: My brother resembled a black version of this man with his totally disinterested and slightly inebriated approach to driver's ed. However, credit needs to be given where it is due: He *WAS* the one to break me of the nasty habit I had of hitting walls and people.

Onion, You've Gone Too Far.

Seriously, most people know that I appreciate a good off-color joke (and have been the source of many currently in existence). The Onion is a special favorite of mine, however, this is too mean even for me. I would boycott them, but I'm too lazy, so I'll just forget to read their website for a few weeks. That'll show them.

BREAKING NEWS: Missing Girl Probably Raped

Quote of the Day

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.
- Mary Pickford

Monday, September 3, 2007

Movie Review: Superbad -- Yet Another Movie that Doesn't Live Up to Its Name

Superbad is definitely one of those "lowbrow" movies that you pretend to hate despite the fact that it made you laugh so much you nearly (okay, actually) peed your pants a little. While full of the penis and va-jay-jay jokes that are so prevalent in high school flicks, the comedic timing of leads Jonah Hill and Michael Cera coupled with stellar performances by the supporting cast makes this the best thing going since American Pie. This one is not to miss -- just be sure to go see it alone, so later you can talk loudly around the water cooler about how you cannot believe this shit gets made when no one has even considered remaking such quality comedic programming as Maude.

Memorable Quotes:
Jules: You scratch our back and we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, the funny thing about my back, is that it's located on my cock.

Seth: Why don't you go pee your pants?
Greg the Soccer Player: That was like 8 years ago!
Seth: People don't forget!

Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.

Becca: I'm so wet right now.

Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in Health Class.

[To his teacher]
Seth: Look, we all know Home Ec. is a joke. No offense. It's just like everyone takes this class to get an A. It's bullshit, and I'm sorry. And I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't ever need to cook tiramisu. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I gonna be a chef? [pause] No. There's three weeks left in school - give me a fuckin' break. I'm sorry for cursing.

Today's Diet Stats

Smokes: 11
Drinks: 0
Exercise: None (Gym closed early -- I tried to go, really!)
Diet Sodas: 8 (Yes, I know. Shut up.)

Calorie Count: 720 so far today. I am trying to cut back to 1300 since I didn't go to the gym.

Quote of the Day

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
- Al Capone

Dead Lady Di is More Popular than Living Bush. Think Real Hard on That, Mr. President.

I swear to god, Princess Di is the British Elvis -- soon, we'll be hearing stories about how she used the car crash to escape the paparazzi and is living in Majorca with Biggie and Tupac (who used their public East/West Coast feud and "gangsta-style" murders to hide their deep-seated man love for one another).

However, this story is definitely in the running to be my all-time fave ... Basically, Princess Di told her hairdresser that Prince Charles "must be wearing beer goggles to have an affair with Camilla." He probably borrowed Lady Di's pair.

Quit While You're Behind

I think what I love most about the President is that I am frequently unable to immediately discern if certain articles written about him are satirical or not. By the way, in case you're counting, there's 1 year, 2 months and 1 day left. Viva 2009!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

My Friends Are Way Funnier Than You

I have this one friend who has just updated his website, which you need to check out, tout de suite. Why, you ask? Well, because never again will you be able to cruise the site of a person who, throughout his life, has turned his hair into a living tribute to some of the greatest African Americans (and Jewish people who resemble them) that ever lived, including Chris "Kid" Reid, Oscar Gamble and that guy from the Counting Crows.

PHOTO: Why, Kevin, I had no idea that you played for the Indians in the mid-70s. The things you learn about your friends when surfing the internet... I swear.

Quote of the Day

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
- Samuel Goldwyn

Today's Stats

Weight: 17 Stone (or a little more than 1/10th of a metric ton)
Height: 6'7" (give or take a foot)
Smokes: 10ish (do rehashes count?)
Drinks: 3 (Thank god for big glasses)
Exercise: Pilates (There's nothing funny about Pilates)

I Just Ate a 1500 calorie Burrito.

Sorry I've been gone for so long, kids, but I've been contemplating a huge shift in the blog, and wasn't sure how I wanted to get it started. See, I've been thinking that it might be beneficial for me (and humourous for you) if I started blogging about my dieting. However, I couldn't figure out how to get started. Until today, when I ate a 1500 calorie burrito. That's right -- almost an entire day's worth of calories in one sitting. The worst part is, it was delicious. And while learning the calorie count has made me seriously regret my decision to eat it, I cannot say that it has entirely turned me off of the experience all together. See, the reason I think people like me, the reason I often fail at diets, is because I'll try anything (stupid). Twice. Wish me luck!

PHOTO: This illustrious BKLYN taco joint is the Catra to my She-Ra.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Quote of the Day

Be polite. Be professional. Be prepared to kill.

- Advice to Iraqi Soldiers (And my new motto on dating) from Lt. Colonel John Nagl, Co-author of the Counterinsurgency Field Manual

Friday, August 24, 2007

Quote of the Day

Let's take the example of experience. We try to remind people nobody had a longer resume than Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, and that hasn't worked out so well.

- Barack Obama on his campaign strategy on The Daily Show

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Quote of the Day

Isn't it strange, when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're in a couple, all you see is hookers?
- Jim Gaffigan

Dear Daily Candy: Please Don't Compare an $800 Handbag to Coors Light.

Honestly, calling something "Champagne on a Coors Light Budget" that costs nearly $1K just seems dishonest. That's a month's rent! Have you ever even bought Coors Light? Cause it's only like 5 bucks for a 24 pack, which is 1/200th month's rent. Much more economical. Perhaps you should reconsider changing the tagline to "Bud Light on a Cristal budget". Or, if you are aiming for a more frugal angle, check out the lovely offerings at Target. I'm not judging, I'm just saying.

Hugh Hefner Was Always Old -- Even in 1971

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, kids -- I've been too busy watching this. As a side note -- I aspire to be so rich that one day, I decide to pay my favorite band to perform live inside of my tv. It's my ultimate dream.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tequila-Infused Coffee Liqueur? What'll They Think of Next? A Tempura Bar? Oh, wait....

Patron, in what one can only imagine is an effort to compete with Vodka Red Bull (and yes, Vodka Red Bull does have its own page on Wikipedia -- Damn those liberals and their freewheeling ways!), created a coffee liqueur that is made with tequila. Finally, a hair of the dog treatment for the i-bankers to mix with their morning caffeine ... I mean, some of us have been slumming with with Kahlua, which is like drinking Gordon's when all you want is Sapphire. Honestly, the sacrifices we make just to tolerate jobs that offer massive compensation in exchange for our immortal soul. Good times.

The bad news is, the caffeine prevents you from passing out before the splitting hangover headache begins. The good news is, it significantly decreases your chances of asphyxiating on your own vomit while sleeping. Let the partying begin!

Quote of the Day

Blessed be the good days, may they last forever!
- From the Beatitudes of Dorothea, Patron Saint of Horticulture and Job Searches

Why Does NoLita Rock? Two Words: Tempura Bar

Say you live in NYC, and wanted to turn your six pack into a keg tout de suite (crazy, we know). Good news, little man, they've finally invented a restaurant just for you. BarFly specializes in a menu of tempura and beer, and is offering complimentary desserts and angioplasty for every order over $75.

One of the other selling points for the restaurant are the graffiti chalkboards in the bathroom for patrons' use -- maybe this seems cool to the artist crowd, but true New Yorkers will avoid actively seeking out this petri dish of fecal matter posing as art noveau.
BarFry, 50 Carmine (between Bedford and Bleecker), 212-929-5050

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Quote of the Day

Arthur: This is what I am. Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.

Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.

Arthur: It'd have to be a real big woman.

- From Arthur

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Quote of the Day

It's always darkest before it's totally black.
- John McCain on his Presidential campaign (misattributed to Mao Zedong)

Friday, August 17, 2007

Poem of the Day

Today ends Shel Silverstein week at Erin's Boredom blog, and to be honest, I'm a bit sad. I’ve loved Shel ever since I read “Who wants a Cheap Rhinoceros?” (I do! They sneak snacks for you and eat bad report cards!). My Grandma Stella purchased it for me, and I remember being excited because I thought it was a coloring book (as with all of his work, it had b&w pencil drawings). My first real introduction to formalized poetry, I memorized the whole book within weeks, and could recite it at will – even now, I still remember the opening page …

Who wants a cheap rhinoceros,
I know one for sale.
With floppy ears and cloppy feet
And a friendly wagging tail.
He’s sweet and cute and huggable,
He’s a quiet as a mouse.
And there’s lots of things that he can do around your house.
For instance ….”

The second book (A Light in the Attic) I received by Shel was probably the most influential on me, and was the reason I started writing my own poems. My grandfather gave it to me for Christmas when I was twelve (It was the last present he ever bought for me, as he died shortly thereafter), and whenever I felt scared or alone, I would read it for inspiration. So to end this series, I’ve saved the introduction from that book (and my most favorite of Shel's poems) for last…

If you are a dreamer, come in.
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer . . .
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire,
For we have some flax golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!
- Shel Silverstein

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Interesting. And Yet, Still Totally F*cked Up.

Okay, whilst during research for the previous post, I found this little gem of a website (I highly recommend reading "What Liberals Believe" page, or, if you're in the mood for retching, "The Filthiest Joke I've Ever Heard"). Apparently the concubine of the leader of the Third Reich has his own blog, and yet, doesn't full understand what *exactly* it means to be a Neo-Nazi, as he quotes both Shel Silverstein AND Albert Einstein on his page. Um, yeah, the Jews are totally against Hitler, mainly because of that whole Holocaust thing -- but maybe you skipped that year in History class.

On the upside, I think I've found the one atheist NeoCon, which, on the odd scale, is right up there with Log Cabin Republicans (Whose motto is, We will persevere -- if our own party doesn't stone us to death first. Honestly, how many gay men do you know who live in a log cabin? It just doesn't make sense!).

PHOTO: When interviewed, Mr. Einstein commented that the website is "probably ran by a colossal tool who doesn't know jack about shit."