Sunday, January 9, 2011

Twilight should not be the highlight of your life.

Dear Cathy,

You are going to regret this for the rest of your life.


Common Sense

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My mind is blown.

Chloe Sevigny and Pauly D might be a couple. I don't know how I feel about that.

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The world is kicking my ass.

This Friday, instead of going to a party, I fell asleep at 7 PM in the midst of reading for b-school with an empty box of Golden Crisp on my chest. That was quite possibly the highlight of my week. Don't feel sorry for me, though -- I dreamt that I was picking out an outfit to wear to my company's IPO. Best dream ever.

PHOTO: Remember Golden Crisp's old mascot, Sugar Bear? I think he got fired after he was discovered in a Beverly Hills bathroom with George Michael.

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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The time for full disclosure has come. Avert your eyes.

Current Stats: I weigh 177 pounds right now, with a BMI of approximately 29%. My target is 145 (or thereabouts). My inspiration is Natalie Portman's training for Black Swan. KIDDING! I kid. I want to be able to perform when this resolution is done, not be an alarming anecdote in a Gawker article about Darren Aronofsky. So don't worry, as all of this will be done under the strictest consultations of the finest doctors that WebMD can buy.

Photo: I could never pull off that eye makeup. I totally have that crown, though.

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In six months, I will be bionic.

As some of you may have suspected, I am not Oprah Winfrey, and thus have not the resources nor the cognitive ability to balk a storied New Year's tradition that sets millions up for inevitable disappointment just to live in the now of common sense and good judgment. Instead, I've decided to amuse you by making resolutions that I will actually keep. Or, that I fail at so spectacularly you can't help but be riveted.

My resolutions are as follows:

  • Be a performance-level aerialist (read: be able to perform for 2-3 minutes non-stop) by July 1, 2011.

  • Lose 30 pounds by July 1, 2011.

They are serious and difficult goals (shocking, I know), but this woman broke both of her legs, and is still teaching yoga classes, so I have no excuses for failure. Except laziness. That will always be an acceptable excuse. Join me and laugh at my pain! It will most likely be substantial.

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