Quote of the Day
Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she’s pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you’ve got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.
- Chelsea Handler
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Quote of the Day
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
- Oscar Wilde
The company's sexual harassment policy prevents me from being friendlier to my colleagues.
Should I be concerned that my work personality has been completely stunted by fear of violating the corporate harrassment policy? Seriously, I've never thought of myself as a risqué person until I attended the helpful (and mandatory) seminar about the subject. Ever since then, I've been frightened to speak to co-workers, lest I say something objectionable (and possibly actionable). The thing is, saying inappropriate things is kind of the crux of my whole character, and without it, I'm left with only my love of Celebrity Rehab, MMA and serial killers to recommend me, which, surprisingly, don't go over so well at the water cooler. Never fear, intrepid reader -- I shall persevere. Just be prepared for me to sexually harass the sh*t out of your *ss the next time we hang out, cause that crap has a way of backing up on you.
PHOTO: Seriously, who *DOESN'T* love John Cena? He's helped me to believe that white boys can rap again.
Just because Merriam Webster doesn't recognize it, doesn't mean it's not a word.
I know you haters think it's a typo, but I stand by my spelling of hoboeing, for no other reason than it looks cool. Besides, Merriam Webster recognizes both "jiggy" and "smackdown," so I question THEIR authority to decide what is a word and what is a typo. I mean, do we really want to live in a society where we let the likes of Vince McMahon and Will Smith craft the vernacular? I think not. Let's leave the heavy lifting to the girl who brought you "d-lebrity" and "necessories," shall we?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Commuting is for suckers. And poor people. But I repeat myself.
As you probably know, the MTA is raising fares. Again. Seriously though, wouldn't it be great if you could get a gig as sweet at the MTA? Imagine when your yearly review comes up, your boss is all like, "your work performance is extremely poor. You're never on time, there's $600 million missing out of the company coffers, Maintenance is pretty sure that you were responsible for the electrical fire we had last week, and we're still trying to figure out how you managed to flood the copy room." And you could be all like, "I see your point. You'd better raise my salary so I can turn this around."
It's times like these that I consider dropping out of society and pursuing a life of shiftless hoboeing. Say what you will about homelessness, you can't beat the commute.
PHOTO: New York is the only place in the world where people pay good money to stand in a BO-flavored underground tunnel filled with rats and other vermin. Good times.
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Put Back My Diet Coke on Penalty of Death
I think someone pinched the soda I left in the office fridge yesterday. The one that was labeled "Erin Elvi Slives". And "Do Not Touch on Penalty of Death". Okay, I didn't add that last part, but I'm regretting that decision now. Words cannot express how devastated I was to discover the theft this morning. Especially since our office coffee is kind of weak, and so is my morning tolerance for humanity.
Am I overreacting? Of course. However, if I ever run into the purloiner in a dark alley, whatever happens will be an accident.
PHOTO: "Dear Erin, I'm sorry I ran away to Mexico, but I got sick of living in a fridge that hasn't been defrosted since the Eisenhower administration. I hope you can forgive me... Hugs to the fam. -Love, DC"
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