I Was Perplexed to See You at My Party, Seeing How You Weren't Invited

This article brought to you by loyal Boredom Blog reader, Becca "My body's ability to hold liquor will both shock and amaze you."

Dear XXX,

I just wanted to drop you a quick note to thank you for stopping by my party. It was an unexpected, let’s say, *surprise* to see you there, especially seeing how I had forgotten to send you the invite… So sorry about that! It was particularly generous of you to bring a half-empty bottle of peach schnapps from the last party you were at. I'm sure they won't miss it.

My friend Amanda would also like to thank you for your candid thoughts on her relationship. Your poignant remarks on her then-boyfriend John, including the startling revelation that “he’s prolly boinking someone else,” really helped her to address the issues that they've been facing. I am thrilled to report that your joint decision to drunk-dial him and feign sex has led to what can only be referred as a *definitive* moment in their relationship.

I cannot stop thinking about how lucky it was that you were able to come, since your original plans to “fly to Miami Beach and fuck everything in sight” were delayed by your impending trial. Perhaps the tickets might come in handy when you “make a run to Cuba” to avoid extradition? I still think that the charges are a bit ridiculous ... After all, even *grandmothers* need to be bitch-slapped now and again.

I’ve a bit of bad news – that girl Daniela that you thought had “tasty sugar tits” has unfortunately declined to give you her number, as she has decided to become a lesbian. However, you’ll be happy to know that the cleaner *was* able to get your ralph stains out of my oriental carpet, and it only cost $400. I’m still waiting on the estimate for the hole you kicked in the wall playing “human foosball,” but it probably won’t be more than a couple hundred. It’s a small price to pay for good friends having a good time.

Good luck with the trial and paternity test,

Becca

PHOTO: Here's a cute pic Jenny took of you with the keg, right before you sold it for scrap metal.

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Quote of the Day

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

-George Burns

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Nuns Plead to Whoopi Goldberg: Save Our Convent!

Rebellious nuns from the town of Kazimierz Dolny in Poland have sent numerous letters to actress Whoopi Goldberg, or Sister Mary Clarence as she’s known in the religious community, to beg for assistance in saving their convent, even as the Vatican seeks to evict them for non-compliance with papal edicts.

The nuns took over the convent in 2005 when the Vatican attempted to overthrow their Mother Superior for defying orders that she believed went against god’s will. They were expelled from their order, but have continued to occupy the convent, even after having their electricity and most of their supplies cut off and being served with an eviction notice.

Despite these many setbacks, the nuns are confident that they will be victorious, and implore Ms. Goldberg to join them in their efforts. “We saw how she saved that other convent and then a high school with only her dry wit and musical ability … I just know that if Sister Mary Clarence can unite us in song, we can sway the Vatican into reinstating our convent and our Mother Superior,” said Sister Mary Patrick.

“Look, we know that she’s only ever done this before in the movies,” said Sister Mary Lazarus. “But just think of what that smart mouth, nifty dance moves and questionable morals could do for us… The possibilities are endless.”

Ms. Goldberg has declined to comment, but her agent, John Smith of the William Morris Agency, has indicated that she is seriously considering the possibility. “Whoopi is very committed giving back to the community. And weight loss. She thinks that this could be her greatest role… erm, humanitarian effort yet.”

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Help Me Fill My Life With Meaning. Or at least something to do until 5 pm.

As you all know, my very important role at the super-secret Superhero Sanctuary provides me with *snippets* of free time to browse the interwebs and post articles for your amusement. However, today I am interested in hearing what sites YOU all look at when you are not otherwise engaged. Please post your replies in comments.

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Movie You Should Watch When Contemplating Suicide

Edith Piaf is the saddest motherf*cking celebrity to ever have existed outside the WWE. Oh, yes, and a good singer, too. Abandoned by 1) her father for the war then 2) her mother for a singing career, she is later taken from 3) her maternal grandmother for neglect and taken to 4) her paternal grandmother who runs a whorehouse, where she 5) goes blind and then is 6) ripped screaming from the arms of the prostitutes that loved her by her father, who makes her 7) work the streets for money, where she is discovered by Gérard Depardieu (who is surprisingly hot in this movie – and no one is *more* shocked than I by that statement), only to be 8) accused of murdering him shortly thereafter. This all happens in the first 20 minutes of the movie.

You can only imagine how *fun* the rest is – I’ll give you a hint: 9) Her married lover dies on a plane crash to see her which leads to 10) her addiction to morphine that 11) stops her from singing, the one thing she truly loves and right before 12) she dies at age 47 from 13) Cancer, the viewer discovers that she 14) had a baby that died when she was two (the baby, not Piaf). Really puts the whole “can’t find a job” thing into perspective.

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Movie You Should Run Out and Rent Sometime in the Next Year or So: Undercover Brother

Why, you ask? Because it is laugh out loud funny. Okay, maybe not *out loud* funny, but definitely laugh *hard enough to make you glad you put back Beverly Hills Ninja and picked this instead* funny. Memorable performances by Denise “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Inflatable” Richards and Dave “and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a dick for crack” Chappelle.

Memorable Quote: “Today is a great day for black people of all races.”

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Quote of the Day

In honor of several places that I've worked at in the past:

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: if a company can't explain, in one sentence, what it does...it's illegal.
-Lewis Black

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Why Does Anyone Still Fly Delta?

Seriously, Delta sucks. Not a day goes by, NOT A DAY, where I don't hear some story about something awful about Delta. The most recent *hiccup*? A bus that was taking diverted passengers to Newark crashed, killing the bus driver and injuring 12 more passengers. Apparently, Delta is no longer content to limit their incompetence to the air. Seriously, this company needs to shut down post haste.

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NEWSFLASH: People Actually Read This Blog

I signed up for Google Analytics (tracks webpage statistics) a few days ago on a lark, and was shocked by the status report I got this afternoon… Apparently, I have readers from three different continents! Since only six of them are habitable, that means I have like a 50% continent approval rating! I am *so* going to be bought out by Google.

PHOTO: I look forward to the day when I can wax poetic about my former poorness.

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Look Ma, No Hands!

Every once in a while, the impact of a truly amazing invention changes the course of history. If Thomas Edison hadn't invented the phonograph, L'il Mama might never have had the chance to share with the world the joys of wearing Lipgloss. If the 4th Earl of Sandwich wasn't too busy gambling to eat a proper meal, we might never have known the deliciousness of a pb&j. And if George Keppler had never invented this hoodie, frat boys everywhere would still have to worry about their cheap friend Mark drinking their brew while they were in the can. Thank you George Keppler, you're a true American hero.

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