Nuns Plead to Whoopi Goldberg: Save Our Convent!

Rebellious nuns from the town of Kazimierz Dolny in Poland have sent numerous letters to actress Whoopi Goldberg, or Sister Mary Clarence as she’s known in the religious community, to beg for assistance in saving their convent, even as the Vatican seeks to evict them for non-compliance with papal edicts.

The nuns took over the convent in 2005 when the Vatican attempted to overthrow their Mother Superior for defying orders that she believed went against god’s will. They were expelled from their order, but have continued to occupy the convent, even after having their electricity and most of their supplies cut off and being served with an eviction notice.

Despite these many setbacks, the nuns are confident that they will be victorious, and implore Ms. Goldberg to join them in their efforts. “We saw how she saved that other convent and then a high school with only her dry wit and musical ability … I just know that if Sister Mary Clarence can unite us in song, we can sway the Vatican into reinstating our convent and our Mother Superior,” said Sister Mary Patrick.

“Look, we know that she’s only ever done this before in the movies,” said Sister Mary Lazarus. “But just think of what that smart mouth, nifty dance moves and questionable morals could do for us… The possibilities are endless.”

Ms. Goldberg has declined to comment, but her agent, John Smith of the William Morris Agency, has indicated that she is seriously considering the possibility. “Whoopi is very committed giving back to the community. And weight loss. She thinks that this could be her greatest role… erm, humanitarian effort yet.”