I just wanted to drop you a quick note to thank you for stopping by my party. It was an unexpected, let’s say, *surprise* to see you there, especially seeing how I had forgotten to send you the invite… So sorry about that! It was particularly generous of you to bring a half-empty bottle of peach schnapps from the last party you were at. I'm sure they won't miss it.
My friend Amanda would also like to thank you for your candid thoughts on her relationship. Your poignant remarks on her then-boyfriend John, including the startling revelation that “he’s prolly boinking someone else,” really helped her to address the issues that they've been facing. I am thrilled to report that your joint decision to drunk-dial him and feign sex has led to what can only be referred as a *definitive* moment in their relationship.
I cannot stop thinking about how lucky it was that you were able to come, since your original plans to “fly to Miami Beach and fuck everything in sight” were delayed by your impending trial. Perhaps the tickets might come in handy when you “make a run to Cuba” to avoid extradition? I still think that the charges are a bit ridiculous ... After all, even *grandmothers* need to be bitch-slapped now and again.
I’ve a bit of bad news – that girl Daniela that you thought had “tasty sugar tits” has unfortunately declined to give you her number, as she has decided to become a lesbian. However, you’ll be happy to know that the cleaner *was* able to get your ralph stains out of my oriental carpet, and it only cost $400. I’m still waiting on the estimate for the hole you kicked in the wall playing “human foosball,” but it probably won’t be more than a couple hundred. It’s a small price to pay for good friends having a good time.
Good luck with the trial and paternity test,
PHOTO: Here's a cute pic Jenny took of you with the keg, right before you sold it for scrap metal.