Movie You Should Watch When Contemplating Suicide

Edith Piaf is the saddest motherf*cking celebrity to ever have existed outside the WWE. Oh, yes, and a good singer, too. Abandoned by 1) her father for the war then 2) her mother for a singing career, she is later taken from 3) her maternal grandmother for neglect and taken to 4) her paternal grandmother who runs a whorehouse, where she 5) goes blind and then is 6) ripped screaming from the arms of the prostitutes that loved her by her father, who makes her 7) work the streets for money, where she is discovered by Gérard Depardieu (who is surprisingly hot in this movie – and no one is *more* shocked than I by that statement), only to be 8) accused of murdering him shortly thereafter. This all happens in the first 20 minutes of the movie.

You can only imagine how *fun* the rest is – I’ll give you a hint: 9) Her married lover dies on a plane crash to see her which leads to 10) her addiction to morphine that 11) stops her from singing, the one thing she truly loves and right before 12) she dies at age 47 from 13) Cancer, the viewer discovers that she 14) had a baby that died when she was two (the baby, not Piaf). Really puts the whole “can’t find a job” thing into perspective.