Quote of the Day
Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
- Dr. Seuss
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
It's Business in the Front, Reggae in the Back
I saw a man on the train today who had, what can only be classified as a RastaMullet. Basically, the front part of his hair was shaved (almost to his skull) with what appeared to be shoulder-length dreads in the back (ironically, tied up in a bun). Weirdest part was, not only was he NOT homeless, he was wearing a really nice suit. Seriously, it felt like how it must have been when the upside of the Schwartz ring met the downside (Yes, I've never seen Star Wars, but I can quote the parody shamelessly. I refuse to apologize for being this cool). For the second time this week, I ask Why??!! Why would you do that!?!?!?! Shit or get off the pot -- either shave your head or grow dreads. Haven't the current presidential candidates taught you that you can't have everything??!?!! (Dammit, why aren't there any black women candidates?!?!!! It would make it so much easier to choose. I'm just saying. But I digress.) In sum: Dreads = cool if you wash them. Mullets = bad. Dread + Mullet = confused train passenger who wonders if you've ever been kicked out of a trailer park for smoking too much weed.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The Japanese Think of Everything, Don't They?
Imagine your hair is wet, and in need of rapid drying. Now, suppose you want to dry said hair whilst simultaneously pointing a gun to your head, all without shooting yourself accidentally. Good news -- you can now do it! Honestly, why would you buy this? Why? Perhaps you liked to be searched by the police at the airport. If you'd like, you can ride the subway with me.
Quote of the Day
You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who says it.
- Malcolm X
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
You, Dad! I Learned It By Watching You!
Let's face it. The reason you're here, the reason you're my friend, is because you read The New York Times. You also don't see what's the big deal about the MoveOn.org ad about General Petraeus. After all, it is STILL a free country, at least for the next week or so. Point being, you've probably already read this article that says the real drug addicts are not just teenagers, but the middle-aged. And, as my friend, this probably doesn't surprise you, because your years at NYU have taught you that a proper addiction, like a good wine, requires years of cultivation.
PHOTO: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions? Good, now pass the toast.
Prostitution: Not Just for Teenagers Anymore
My recent birthday has really caused me to think hard about my future, specifically what will happen to me when I am older. I guess my biggest fear is that one day my keen ability to consistently spend exactly how much I make will leave me without a pot to piss in, and, more importantly, no credit from which to lend against. Then I read this article, which reminded me that, no matter the age, there will always be money to be made for those who are willing to work for it. Whew! That takes a load off. I'm taking my 401(K) shopping!
Read More......I'm Not Too Proud to Steal Content from My Birthday Cards
My evil sister from Philly sent me a birthday card this year, and it is just another reminder of why I hate her so much: Because she's funnier than me. I've included most of it below, but parts of it, like Sally Field, have been censored for explicit(ly funny) content.
"So, in my 29th year, I've decided to turn over a new leaf, and only send birthday cards that arrive on time for the actual event. No more on-time(ish) cards, and no more cards that celebrate the one month anniversary of your most recent birthday. (At least no this year. As they say in AA, "Baby Steps." I think that applies here.) I don't want to pretend that I'm completely reformed, after all I found this card in my desk drawer, presumably the card I intended to send last year and just never got around to, so, in essence, this card, though the sentiment is new (I mean, that's if you can claim "Happy Birthday" as an "original" thought), the card itself is old and sort of on time, potentially early, even [ed. note: it was a day late].
You'll notice, though, that though I've decided to send birthday cards on time and so
selflessly, the message, meta-message, and logic is still completely self-absorbed. A duckingly does not become a swan overnight!
Shifting the focus to you... Happy Birthday!
Love, Ryan (and Michael)"
PHOTO: We like you. We really really like you. Cause you talked shit about the Iraq War on Fox. God, you've got balls.
Quote of the Day
Alright, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
- Dwight Schrute, The Office
Read More......
Thursday, September 13, 2007
83YO Man More Spry than Me. Why Are You Not Surprised?
An 83-year-old man, trapped under a flipped tractor, dug himself out using only his wits and a pocket knife. The extraordinary feat has been described by some as a 'life or death' situation, though, given his age, is probably more accurately classified as 'near death or death'.
On a side note, why am I not shocked that a man named Cockerham has eight children? Clearly we know which meat his wife prefers. Is it wrong to make jokes about an octegenarian? Perhaps, but it's why you like it.
PHOTO: Cockerham, pictured here with the offending tractor, says the incident only served to remind him of the giant mistake he made when he chose farming over opening a gourmet popcorn franchise. 'Madison still doesn't have access to delicious kettle corn, and I can't help but feel that I'm to blame."
Read More......
Fark: A Constant Source of News on Cute Animal Stories
As many of you know, I hate "real news". Mainly because I don't want a lot of "facts" bogging down my passionate, if not enlightened beliefs. Plus, like 99% of the shit that mainstream news covers is really fucking depressing. I mean, you do know that that AmyWinehouse chick is totally apeshit insane? It used to be, when I was a kid, not one year (NOT ONE YEAR!) went by without a story about some GD pup that traveled 300 miles back home after being lost on a trip. What I want to know is, why is this no longer newsworthy???!!! Can the puppies not find their way home anymore? Don't they know about the recent innovations in GPS technology??!!?!!
Anywho, the main reason I love the news aggregator Fark is because they are AWASH in these stories (though they occasionally do sneak a real story in once in a while -- bastards!). Finally, a welcome change to the daily update from the President and his lackies, which basically approximates to "Yes, we are still on a path to the region of world known as Hell. The transport vehicle remains a handbasket."
PHOTO: Sure, a pigeon and a monkey can fall in love, but where will they make a home?
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