Friday, August 28, 2009

Wherein I list the reasons to (not) move to New York.

[Ed. Note: This email proves that what I like to do and what normal people like to do are not always the same thing. It is also probably why the New York Tourism Board still refuses to hire me.]

From elvi slives
Sent Wednesday, February 26, 2003 12:42 pm
To B-
Subject Re: I don't know no stinkin' B-

Dear Hooray!,

Don't tease -- are you really thinking of moving to NY? I have to prepare you ... it is ass-out cold up here. Not cold like Buffalo, although to listen to some of these weaklings complain, you would this was Siberia ... "My feet are cold ..." Then wear closed-toed shoes, dumbasses! Seriously, though, it is nothing like LA (there's no sun, there's no decent beaches, 99% of all the citizens are skipping their court-ordered anger management sessions)... At all. It's still fun, though, and there is plenty of drinking. And pardon me for saying so, but you will be getting *ss up the ying yang (okay, that sounded better in my head). Because, compared to NYers, you are refreshingly unjaded, yet don't appear to be a complete dolt. Very important. I hate you (congratulations -- you just received your first act of misplaced rage. Soon you will join us in cursing old women who take too long on to get on the bus and popping small children's balloons with your cigarettes ... but don't get me started. Where did I put those rage pills?) ....

AND IF YOU MOVE HERE ... you will also have to phase all colored clothing out of your wardrobe ... we only accept neutral tones, like taupe, ivory, ebony and nude. Not just black and white, kiddo. It's all about the shades of grey.

BUT THERE ARE STUPID THINGS HERE ... like they want to make it so you can't smoke in bars ... I mean, that healthy thing is totally cute in LA, but in NY, where smoking is like the mother's milk that so many of us were brutally denied, it's just fascist. And there is now going to be a fine on cell phone use in public areas (like movies, etc.). Stupid Bloomberg. I hate all rich people -- until I become one. And then I will just hate most rich people.

YOU COULD TOTALLY CRASH ON MY COUCH UNTIL YOU FIND AN APT ... but please let me know in advance, so I can buy a couch. Just kidding. Well, not really.

And I was still thinking about moving to LA, but then I found this new job at XXX ... and I'm moving out of Queens ... so the things that I was having issues with are slowly starting ot resolve themselves ... oh, NY, I could never leave you ...

So anyway, as of this Friday, I will no longer be at XXXX (although please be sure to keep me on your frequent spamming list ... always welcome at my home email) ...

Talk to you soon ...

elvi slives

PHOTO: In the end, B- opted not to move to New York. Was it something I said?

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