The Amount You Have to Pay Someone to Sit in Shit Has Officially Been Quantified

In a move destined to change the world of discount travel forever, customer service agents at two major travel outlets successfully quantified the cost of exposing travelers to human excrement. Passengers on a recent Continental flight received $500 in flight vouchers for being subjected to overflowing toilets on a seven-hour flight, along with “our most sincerest promise to never do it again,” says David Grizzle, SVP of Customer Experience. In spite of this, flight attendants continued with meal/beverage service, whilst simultaneously cautioning passengers not to eat/drink too much, less they need to use the one functioning toilet on board for the over 200 passengers. Luckily, the plane was flying to New Jersey from Amsterdam, so it is estimated that at least 80% of the occupants were too stoned to notice. “It was just like being back at college,” said passenger Colin Brock. “Which is the main reason why I dropped out.”

In a separate yet related incident, a burst pipe led to a family's cruise cabin being soaked in raw sewage on day two of a seven-day cruise. After they complained, the cruise line did *attempt* to clean the mess, but "it was just too gross," said Mary Rimera, Head Maid for the cruise ship. "It really smelled... we gave up after it started to stain our towels." Cruise ship operator Holland America Lines declined to let the family move to another room, but gave each member a credit of $150 (about a 5% discount on the cost of the trip) and a free case of amoebic dysentery as compensation.

While both companies are contrite about the mishaps, both chalk it up to extreme circumstances. “I don’t really understand what all of the fuss is about,” said Mr. Grizzle. “After all, nowhere in our passenger service contract do we promise a poop-free flight.”

PHOTO: In addition to their regular dinner service, customers on Continental flight 1970 received a complimentary round of antibiotics.