Monday, June 18, 2007

God Refused Service at Payless, Considers Smiting

Retail Giant Payless Shoe Source has been said to be bracing itself for a smiting from the Lord God Almighty after denying him service at one of their locations; an action which could result in the closure of one or more of its discount stores. "We don't actually *know* what is going to happen," said Matthew E. Rubel, Chief Executive Officer and President of Payless Corporation, "but we're preparing for the worst."

God, or "The Creator" as he's known to friends, entered the store in Merrillville, Indiana at about 1 p.m. Thursday, and asked two employees for socks and slippers. The slippers were not in stock, but the employees gave The Supreme Being the socks he was looking for, with a complimentary dose of attitude. The situation continued to escalate when The Holiest Member of the Trinity tried to leave with the socks, only to be arrested by the police and charged with two counts of attempted robbery, two counts of criminal confinement and intimidation charges. He was later released when it was discovered that, despite appearing in corporeal form, he was, in fact, The Divine Being.

God was unavailable for comment, but in a press conference earlier today at the Vatican, St. Peter, the Media Relations Director for Heaven, had this to say: "It is unfortunate what has occurred -- God is calling it his "Oprah" moment. However, Payless has nothing to fear, as ours is a kind and gentle savior. He is currently considering several 'alternative' methods of punishment, but isn't ready to commit to any one thing right now ... Let's just say if none of the parties involved are able to get a home equity loan under 15%, I wouldn't be a bit surprised."

PHOTO: St. Peter has said that this incident has helped God to understand "why Oprah is always bitching about the f**king Hermes incident." He says in the future, he will consider taking his business elsewhere, saying that "Ninewest's Spring Collection is to die for."

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