Wine Shown to Stave Off Cavities, Heart Disease, Fear of Dying Alone

Recently studies by scientists in Grenoble now show that, in addition to preventing heart disease and cavity decay, drinking large quantities of red wine can help to inhibit feelings of desperation and loneliness stemming from an inability to successfully form long-term sexual relationships.

Many experts remain skeptical of the reports, and suggest that the studies will be seen as an attack on marriage, something which many cultural institutions and most overbearing mothers have long endorsed as the foundation of a happy and moral life. Others fear the possible ramifications on civilization should humans stop partnering off and procreating in favor of boozing it up. “If people stop worrying about their dead-end relationships,” says noted psychologist and innovator in couples therapy Dr. Phil, “then who will watch my show?”

However, this comes as a welcome validation to those who have long suspected the inebriant’s powerful curative ability, including John Rilkevich, who turned to drinking boxed wine shortly after his wife left him. “I drink to forget,” said Rilkevich. “Luckily, the reverse isn’t true.”