I Have Enrolled in Starter Wife Rehab

It’s official kids – I have a problem. And like every junkie, I’m looking for one final score before I go clean. Luckily, this decision coincides perfectly with the finale tonight! In the meantime, I am posting the recap from last week. I should warn you that the inanity of the show has never been more deliciously apparent.

Hour Five: Woman repeatedly effs the shit out of Man 2 while Man 2 confides that he killed his best friend in drunk driving accident, being homeless is his repentance. Hmm, interesting, Man 2 was convicted of Man 2. That can't be a coincidence. Woman, Woman’s Attorney meet with Husband, Husband’s Lawyer where Husband’s Lawyer tries to play hardball. However, Husband’s recent promotion drives him to increase Woman’s Lawyer’s initial proposal, but he later reneges, postpones negotiations.

Woman attends memorial for non-dead Man 1 with Man 1 disguised as a woman who looks like a man who used to be a linebacker. Woman’s Husband gives self-aggrandizing eulogy, but the rest of Man 1’s friends give heartfelt remarks that make Man 1 weep, decide to end charade. Man 1 goes up on stage and reveals himself to his friends (figuratively, not literally), who applaud him. Show has completely severed from reality – if any of you ever did that, I would hug you first from joy, but then I’d kick your emotion-whoring ass out of principle. Elated, Man 1 greenlights a bunch of indie projects, then fires Woman’s Husband for being a soulless loser. Woman rejoices at Husband’s comeuppance, not realizing that her alimony, lunches at Nobu and summer house on the beach just went out the door with it.

Conversation with her child, Man 2 prompt Woman to write a children’s book (she was an author before she was married) about sharks. Man 1 does community service for pretending to be dead, asks out and is turned down by Woman. Woman takes book to Old Agent, who says it is crap. Friend 2 tries to eff real estate agent, cannot go through with it. Friend 1 decides not to get plastic surgery, tells Woman she is off the sauce, proceeds to chug a bottle of vodka alone. Token Black Friend 3 walks in on Woman, Man 2, then later Popstar Girlfriend of Husband with her secret lover, while both were in flagrante. Hello, knocking? They invented it for a reason.

Friend 1 invites everyone over for brunch, and several awkward conversations hinting around Man 2’s homelessness ensue, stemming from his admission that he didn't know what “American Idol” was. Viewer calls bullshit. Woman is always blabbing on about how he's a "reader" -- didn’t he ever read any of the newspapers he slept on? Accountant Boyfriend of Token Gay Friend 4 offers Man 2 a job at his firm, Man 2 declines. Woman, Woman’s friends, and every single unemployed viewer (namely, me) groan in disgust. Man 2 tries to change subject, but Woman won’t drop it, and Man 2 storms off. Friend 1’s husband shows up, is upset that Friend 1 is no longer in rehab, says that things are going to change now that he is back. Overwhelmed by the new character addition, viewer spends three hours staring into a bathroom mirror and wondering how she ever let her habit get this far.

Next Week: Finally Finale! Woman is forced to choose between homeless hottie, richie rich. Viewer is confident that she will make the wrong choice.

PHOTO: Token Black Actress realizes that her years of training at the American Conservatory Theater and Tony Award were only precursors to a career playing Token Black Friend 3 to such talented thespians as Debra Messing, Beyoncé Knowles, Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson.