Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I Watch 'The Starter Wife' so that You Don't Have To

Hour Four: Opens with a dream sequence – Woman on beach, makes out with Man 2, while viewer questions Woman's ability to pull off that bathing suit. Woman rats out Man 2’s murderous ways to cops while Man 2 tries to stop Friend 2 from driving drunk. Friend 2 eludes him, then crashes car into pole, opts for plastic surgeon instead of rehab. Cops arrest Man 2 for murdering Man 1, and Woman alibis him, but cops think she is insane, viewer agrees. Woman is confronted by Man 1, who is not dead, but trying to fake his suicide (possibly to get away from this group of freaks). Man 1 gives Woman a suicide note to clear Man 2 which Woman then gives to cops, who still think she is insane (viewer still agrees). With help of token black Friend 3, Token gay Friend 4 sells ugly chairs to Woman's Husband’s token popstar girlfriend in token subplot of the week. In implausible subplot of the week, Friend 1 takes back cheating Husband 2 after only about a minute of fighting, but bones up on cheater reading material (E.G. Men: Can't Live With Them, Can't Shoot Them in the Face), while Woman's Husband is named head of studio. Man 2 is released from jail, and he and Woman make hot homeless love. Token black Friend 3's sassy grandma declares "I ain't ever leavin'." Neither are we, sassy black grandma. Neither are we.

This Friday's Recap: Hour Five. AKA 'St. Anne's was closed, so I effed her for a hot shower and a meal.'

PHOTO: Homeless never looked this good.

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