Dear White Woman Walking in Front of Me: I Currently Have No Plans to Mug You

I know we live in a dangerous world, which is why I want to assure you that I have no intention of trying to burgle you. Sadly, I am afraid that you’ve already been robbed by the man in Chinatown who sold you the Hermes knockoff you are clutching so desperately. Genuine leather? I don’t think so.

While your frequent and furtive glances have been flattering, I must admit that they have been in vain. After all, I’d hate to ruin a perfectly good suit by attempting to evade the police. Plus, I’ve been your neighbor for almost a year now, so it would be silly for me to rob you, as you know where I live.

No worries, though – I totally understand how you feel. Every time I see a white person, I silently shudder and hope that they are not falsely inflating the profits from my pension fund in order to garner a higher year-end bonus. Have a nice day though.