I Am Going Through Starter Wife Withdrawal

Thank god it's on tonight because I’m jonesing pretty bad. In the meantime, I recapped Gigi, which, despite being set in early 1900s and made in 1958, is just about the raciest thing you’ll ever see on Turner Classic Films. It was of my all-time favorites in childhood, mainly because it is the olden-day equivalent of Showgirls. And on with the show!

Hmm, is listed with 4-star review – viewer wonders why there hasn’t been a remake of the film yet. Movie is set in Paris and opens with horny old man looking at schoolkids, singing “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” (ah, yes, I see now!).

Horny old man is uncle to young rich man who is friends with his poor cousin who is grandmother to beautiful young girl. Young rich man treats beautiful young girl like sister, constantly brings her treats, while grandmother and great aunt, both former women of the night, scheme to turn beautiful young girl into sophisticated woman, rich young man into rich young lover, main jewelry provider. That’s right. Not husband, lover. God, I love the French. Second best quote in the film is by great aunt: “Wait for the first class jewels, Gigi. Hold on to your ideals.”

Rich young man tells horny old man that everything bores him, except friendship with grandmother, beautiful young girl. Horny old man says he and young rich man need to get laid. Rich young man goes to see current mistress, discovers she is sleeping with an even younger skating instructor that rich young man paid for. Rich young man pays younger skating instructor to leave current mistress, dumps current mistress (who later attempts suicide), and throws several “gay” parties to forget the whole incident. Once again, god I love the French.

Everyone goes to the beach, where grandmother reminisces with horny old man, her first lover who later cheated on her. Best quote in the film from horny old man: “I was so much in love with you I wanted to marry you….I had to do something, and what I did was the soprano!”

Beautiful young girl begins to dress/act like young woman. Rich young man mocks transformation, he and beautiful young girl fight, but he later apologizes, asks grandmother if beautiful young girl can be his lover. Grandmother, great aunt and rich young man go to attorney, draw up a contract for relationship (not making this up), and tell beautiful young girl, who declines the offer. Beautiful young girl later reconsiders, goes out with rich young man, only to have rich young man drag her home, where he asks grandmother for beautiful young girl's hand in marriage. Viewer calls bullshit.

PHOTO: The French have this tricky way of making you *want* to become a prostitute. I think the it's something they put in the wine.