Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I Used to Be Funnier (and Less Desperate) Than I am Now

Some of you who have known me for a while may remember that I used to create “lists” for my friends, often of the top ten variety. While cleaning out my email (damn you, maximum capacity!), I recently stumbled across a few, and have posted one here for your amusement.

The following is excerpted from a 2003 email to my friend “B” from Cali, who is laughing to herself right now at the clever way in which I've disguised her name. She was having troubles with a live-in boyfriend, who had just admitted that he didn’t see their relationship going any further, as he was planning to move to JennyLand* in the indeterminate future and didn't cotton to the idea of long-distance relationships. However, he *still* wanted to keep dating, and didn't see why she wasn't keen on the idea. My response to her email is below.

"Dearest B-
...Here are some of your options:

1. Continue to date him and decide which one of your friends will be the one to go onto America's Most Wanted and say "I always knew that she would snap one day."

2. Help him pack. Tell him that you'll personally take him to Declanville* and then offer to drive him to the airport. Drop him off in the desert instead. Leave him there.

3. Shoot him. Be sure to do it in Arizona where your policemen brothers can cover up the evidence. (That's where they live, no?)

4. Let him know that you have never been one to let long distance get in the way of a caring relationship. As example, show him the letters that you send to the inmates.

5. Resolve yourself to the fact that you might one day end up on
Jerry Springer punching out a kangaroo farmer named "Sheila".

Feel better -- drink more!


PHOTO: Ah, if only someone had given me this sage-like advice before I made the same mistake, following my love all the way to NYU only to fall in love with my RA and have to choose between the two of them.....Wait, I'm confusing my life with Felicity again...Never mind.

PS: Jenny & Declan are my Australian friends. Hence, JennyLand & Declanville.

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