Newly Released from Starter Wife Rehab, I Now Focus on Getting a Starter Life

Finale: Woman narcs on alkie friend 1 to husband, and Friend 1’s Husband freaks out, makes Friend 1 go to AA. Woman starts dating Man 1, and enjoying all the perks of being with someone who is rich and influential, including, viewer hopes, some serious attention towards Woman’s obviously lacking chesticular area. Formerly homeless Man 2, now gainfully employed, tries to kick it with her whilst she is on a date with Man 1, leading Woman to declare that she is not ready to date either of them. Because when you have to choose between someone you love and someone who is rich, the obvious choice is singlehood. Um, not.

In all seriousness, while I don’t condone marrying for love, you have to admit that having a homeless boyfriend is better than ending up as the President of the International Cat Association (actually, I jokingly made up this name, but it turns out that it actually exists, and I am pretty sure that the President is single. Or a man. Or both. Frightening.).

Husband proposes to popstar girlfriend at movie premiere that he had to beg his old assistant to get in to, and Popstar Girlfriend says no for obvious reasons (he's poor, folks!), abandons him before Husband’s preemptive overdose on Viagra can take full effect. Husband calls Woman over to help him fix his situation, and viewer discovers that watching Debra Messing get the infamous “Head Push” is the quickest known cure for heterosexuality. Instead, Woman takes picture of Husband’s, um, pre"dick"ament, and uses as blackmail to get awesome divorce settlement.

Fast forward six months – woman is at dinner with all her friends, including a sober Friend 1, a pregnant Friend 2, and still token Black Friend 3 and Gay Friend 4. Woman thanks friends for support, gives them a copy of her newest children’s book, and says that she is now ready to date. Yes, we thought so. Woman asks if any of them know where the Homeless Man 2 is. Luckily, he goes to rehab with Friend 1 and works for Gay Friend 4’s boyfriend, and Woman and Man 2 are quickly united, take the final plunge… Into the ocean, that is. Let’s hope for a strong riptide.

NEXT WEEK: I make amends with those who were harmed by my addiction…

PHOTO: I couldn’t find a photo of Messing (Molly, Woman) and Moyer (Sam, Man 2) together – so you will have to settle for this picture of another famous Sam and Molly, from everyone’s favorite pottery flick, Ghost.