Thursday, July 26, 2007

Hanging Around Fatties, Reading "Boredom Blog" Proven to Greatly Increase Risk of Obesity

Are you starting to notice a tire around your middle? Maybe your chunky friend Claire is to blame (you know, from the office? The one who always has cookies and took you to that all-you-can eat Mongolian bbq? Bitch.). Scientists recently discovered that having corpulent pals makes you more susceptible to weight gain. Dr. Nicholas Christakis, a physician and professor of medical sociology at Harvard Medical School and a principal investigator in the new study, warns that if something is not done soon, the United States will become something of “a cross between Night of the Living Dead and the Richard Simmons Cruise to Lose.”

Dr. Christakis says that his next project will focus on outlining the hidden connection between obesity and reading the famed Boredom Blog, known for its incessant promotion of the merits of excessive eating and (more often) drinking. Dr. Christakis hypothesizes that readers of the site are more inclined to make poor diet and lifestyle choices, and focuses the blame on resident blogger Erin Elvi Slives, whom he feels actively perpetuates the situation. “It’s not enough that she corrupts the morals and minds of over seven readers a day with her mildly humorous musings and off-color remarks – she is now robbing them of their health and well-being. She must be stopped, and I feel this study will go a long way in doing just that.”

These discoveries are most shocking to celebrities, who pride themselves on both their ability to count their own ribs and simultaneous tolerance for the hefty masses that fund their self-induced starvation and exercise bulimia. “This is my worst nightmare,” said Victoria Beckham, famous for no other reason than being emaciated. “I’m so quitting that lardarse salad-dodging Katie Holmes now – she’s definitely pushing eight stone [112 pounds], easy.”

What can the average person do to avoid becoming housebound by their own tonnage? “Jettison all your portly friends and stop reading this blog,” says Dr. Christakis. “God, nobody listens when I talk anymore.”

PHOTO: Dr. Christakis points out that animals are not immune to the obesity contagion, and points to this photo of Kirstie Alley's cat, taken prior to Alley joining Jenny Craig, to illustrate his point.

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